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-- its a long rant, if u read it thanks, maybe some of u wiser people would know the right decision or could give me some input

me and my old chick were together for like 3 years

the 1st year of our relationship was the greatest, thats when i was healthy

but a little after that first year, i was just thinking, u know im young.. and i think i wanna test the waters

crazy cus the day i got dp, me and my gf got into a fight, and i think having those emotions and on top of me feeling like a complete loser cus i didnt know what to do with my life career wise

kinda all led me to get drunk and then take a couple puffs of weed

and then bam

i wasnt feeling right, i talked to my gf like 2 days later and i was thinking this feeling was just the pressure of me wanting out, i went over to her house, just explained what ive been feeling, how crazy my life has turned upside down in just a day, and then i broke up with her

thinking i need to focus on myself and get through whatever the hell is happening to me

me and my old chick worked at the same job, thats how we got together

anyways like day 5

i was panicing hard, and finally googled my symptoms and found out this is what i had

i was in no condition to go to work

especially after finding out, i like had a break down and read the scary stories and thought i was fucked

i texted my old chick and ask if she could cover me that day

and thank god she did, that was a sunday

we worked together on tuesdays, so if i remember, after tuesday at work, we had a talk

and i think i wanted to explain to her what was going on

knowing me, when im in a fucked up situation, i just wanr to be alone and handle it myself, with no1s help

but i think that night she told me she wanted to be by my side through it

and some how, i forget, but we got back together

shes like my bestfriend, we could literally do anything together

and she looked at me as if i wasnt even dp, like she couldnt see the difference, like she was oblivious

like i said, we were together for like a year and a couple of months, then i got dp, our relationship lasted 3 years

after a couple of months of getting back together, i was super depressed, but she was the best thing in my life at the time

and instead of dwelling sometimes, i knew i had to act like im okay and be a good boyfriend and do my best to make her laugh

it sucked cus i use to make her laugh a 100 times a day, now it was like, if i could just make her laugh once.. that would be so cool

and it sucked cus since dp, its like i lost my personality, and i would just say a bunch of random shit just to try to get a responce from her

how she was with me 2 years after dp, i wouldnt know

but the thing was, i felt guilty, i wanted to break up with her before the dp

and even during our relationship, i dont think i was in love with her

she loved me, like a lot

and i dont think the love was mutual

but i always said, i dont know what love is

our relationship was super cool

literally my best friend, we'd wrestle, talk shit to each other, like best friends and we'd get it on as well

i think thats what u want in a life time partner?

but even tho we were best friends, ive always had a feeling, like i dont think shes the 1 for some odd reason..

and it sucks

i would tell myself, dude im fucked up, and shes still here with me, she doesnt judge me, and she cares for me a lot

shes a ride of die for me man

y dont i feel like i love her, y would i want to break up with her

towards the end of our 3 year relationship

we got into fights but thats typical

i felt like these fights were different tho, i felt like she was starting to want out

i felt like, shes finally getting over my fucked up self, and i dont blame her

her parents use to love me, now they dont understand, her mom told her all the time to dump my ass

the dad was cool but still

towards the end, i just felt like she wanted to move on

she was finishing school, and was getting offers out of state for a job

i just wasnt ready to move out with her, im still in my early 20s with no career, and im fucked up

we took a week break from each other, and i knew this would probly be it for us

we met up a week after and we had a talk, she pretty much told me she was moving on, and i agreed, i think it was best

i didnt want to hold her back,

she was saying she wanted to decline those out of state jobs becus she was with me, and that would be fucked up

i dont want to hold her back

so we broke up, but we ended good and said well be friends

the day she broke up with me she also told me she had a tumor that she needed to get removed and could be cancerous

i cried man, it was a huge shock

but months later, she got it taken out and it wasnt cancer thank god

i was by her side even though we werent together, i felt like that was the least i could do

a week after we officially broke up, i wasnt feeling to bad

i just knew i needed this time to get better

and i wasnt missing her much

and i felt like that was a sign that i didnt actually love her

but im also really a to myself person, i feel like i want to do everything by myself

but a week after we broke up, she called and wanted to talk again

we met up and she wanted to kiss me and get back together

i kinda turned my cheek, and was like..

i kinda need to think, i dont want to get back together right now, its just not a good time

and then she left, but we would text each other like once a week

anyways

its been 3 and a half months since we've broken up

i miss her family, i sometimes miss her, and we still talk

and she tells me she loves me still

i just dont know, i dont want to get back together and then have those feelings of wanting to get out again

and i dont think say we were together and i got back to normal again and then i leave her

i think that would be fucked up

even tho i kinda miss her, i just dont know man, her family was really cool, and so was our relationship

i just dont know what love is man

and its tough right now cus shes been telling me shes been going out, shes been getting texts from other guys, these dudes saying shes beautiful and stuff, like trying to play game with her

its just tough man

i dont want to keep her from living, i really wanted her to forget me and move on

but now im thinking maybe i might want to get with her again

but if that happens what if i get the feeling of not loving her again?

maybe thats the answer, if i had those feelings of not loving her, what would make me love her now

but what the hell is a relationship man

what made me want to get out was, im a decent looking guy, and i was turning pussy left and right down

well not like that, but like i had my chances, i just didnt pull the trigger, and these girls i was turning down

i felt were more attractive looking then my actual gf

and i kinda was losing that attractiveness towards her

she gained a lot of weight due to school and stressing and so did i ofc, but idk man

she was so down with me, yet i feel like im choosing looks over a down as fuck chick

i dont know what to do man..

this is my rant

if u read it cool, i just needed to talk..

i dont know the answers, i dont know what ill be doing

dont judge me man, im in a difficult situation

trying to make the right decision
 

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I get where you’re coming from.. I was in a similar situation before I got dp where I had a bf who loved the shit out of me to the point where I thought that no one could ever love me as deeply as him which was the reason why I stayed with him despite being unsure of what love even is/feels like. I totally get it.. I also felt like I wanted to keep my options open and I constantly felt like shit for thinking that way.. All i can say is it feels like you are capable of feeling love so maybe you really need to look for someone else as bad as it sounds. You’ll never know... with having dp it’s hard to feel deep feelings anyway but I guess it’s still possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I get where you're coming from.. I was in a similar situation before I got dp where I had a bf who loved the shit out of me to the point where I thought that no one could ever love me as deeply as him which was the reason why I stayed with him despite being unsure of what love even is/feels like. I totally get it.. I also felt like I wanted to keep my options open and I constantly felt like shit for thinking that way.. All i can say is it feels like you are capable of feeling love so maybe you really need to look for someone else as bad as it sounds. You'll never know... with having dp it's hard to feel deep feelings anyway but I guess it's still possible.
i appreciate ur feedback, just kinda thinking back, i think ur right, its gonna be tough, but i think it might be the right decision
 

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Man, if you had it at some point and wanted to get out than it's not that, that you want. You want something though....to be loved perhaps? to have ppl around? etc. Find other avenues of getting whatever it is you got out of that relationship somewhere else.
 
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