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I am writing this as a blog entry because this will be rather long.

I don't know if anyone here will have any advice for me and that's OK. I just feel like I need to get this out of my head and put this somewhere that I know atleast one person will read it and maybe tell me I am valid in feeling this way or not.

I have issues with my real Father that seem to affect my feelings of self-worth/happiness.

He has never been a part of my life and I don't know if I really want him to be. I don't know what I want from him, that's why I find it rather confusing.

He has wrote me two letters in my lifetime, one when I was 12 that I didn't get to read as my Mum wouldn't let me and one when I was 16. Thinking about it now from a slightly more adult pov the letter I got to read was a very nice letter, he even put a necklace inside. But from the reactions of my Family members when I told them my Dad had wrote to me made me think or act otherwise. I remember telling people '' I don't need him '' basically he can **** off and that's how I was for years because I had basically been told to act that way about it?. I don't know if I actually meant it but that's what happened and I didn't reply to him.

This year at the age of 21 I decided to reach out to him. I found his address and I wrote him a letter, putting my contact details in obviously. I received an email from him but I was a lot more upset after reading the email than I thought I would be. In the email he didn't once ask me what I was doing with my life or how I was or how I felt. He told me why he hasn't been a part of my life and then went on to tell me about his Wife and other Daughters and Grandchild. He even sent me pictures of his Family, like old pictures of them growing up, pictures of him, he even sent me a picture of his dog (which was a bit weird). I remember feeling nothing but hate and jealousy towards him/his wife/daughters and I still feel that way now and since around that time I have had no contact with him again.

Like I said I don't know what I want from him, I don't even think I want him to be in my life. Basically I don't think he can win with me, because I will never understand how you claim to love and care about someone so much but not fight for them or try to be in their life, he obviously couldn't have cared enough. Everyone's circumstances are different yes but I really believe that if you create a life, you should be there for your child in anyway you can, even if your circumstances make it so you can't be there in person, even if it's just a shitty Birthday card once a year (which I never got, I have never gotten a Birthday card or even a Happy Birthday) just to say like I'm still here, I care, I haven't forgotten about you.

I can be doing so great with my anxiety and dp but this thing is always there, this complicated little problem in my head that I don't quite know how to get past, so I just try to bury it and it feeds all of my insecurities. I can't feel completely content and free with this there. It's like I need to finally put it to bed now, like right now or I feel it's always going to be there in the back of my head, ruining my life but I'm at a loss on how to do that.

I know that some people don't even have parents, grew up in care or some kids don't even have their Father's acknowledge their existence and I guess I feel kind of selfish for feeling the way I do about it but I can't help the way I feel.

Thank you for reading if you did, sorry it's so long and if you have any advice then please feel free to share it.

Thanks.



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Wendy
Sep 18 2014 01:36 PM

I think your complaint is legitimate.

A father should be there for his child, regardless of what life choices he may have chosen in the future. However, you should keep a couple of things in mind here because I think it's important that you forgive him, and yourself, for this complication. Don't forget about the times that he wrote you; I think that, maybe because he was reprimanded for sending you something, he rather just waited until you gave him a contact.

Also understand that you've been out of his life for years - it's just as difficult for him, I'm sure; not to mention helping his other family members on the side of that. I'm sure that there's so much he wants to tell you, that he ended up doing that and forgot to ask what was happening with you. I don't think he doesn't care about what you're doing; I think he cares more than you think. On the other hand, he should have wrote you more and sent you things to support you as you were growing older. I think, in this situation, both parties have done a little bit of a pushing away.

If you're looking to get content with the situation, you might want to discuss it with him. Tell him how you feel and talk about everything so that you can, soon, clear up the problem and forgive him. Once you solve this problem, you may find that you're experiencing a lot more freedom from that nagging complication in your head. This is just my opinion from my own experiences (having grown up in several houses due to divorces). I hope this helps, even if a little bit.




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beefyflamingo
Sep 21 2014 08:21 AM

I completely understand where you are coming from. It's a similar story with my father. I was taught to hate him, and not need him but in reality I was confused and sor tof missed him? idk. He left when I was 10 and showed no sign of care or love. I would see him about twice a year and it was all fake. I recently found out that he has married a new woman and idk how I feel. Theres a whole financial situation with my Mum and shit so I cant contact him. I jsut don't understand how a man could completely drop his entire family after 10 years and just fuck off. I feel like he owes me. I feel like he is a narcissist and is a factor in my DP/DR.

Thanks for your post, its good to read someones pov with a simlar situation
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Dreamer
Sep 23 2014 01:07 PM

Sa-lB I also have a similar story (with variations). My father had little part in my life and my mother was abusive.
I am 55 and my parents were much older when I was born (43 - my mother and 53- my father).
My father never understood what was wrong with me, and I was never able to articulate why he didn't/couldn't help me.
He is now gone, since 1990. I was 30 something and he was 84 when he died in 1990.

There is no time now as an adult for me to ever say what I really felt. I was not angry as I just didn't understand. And I don't think he could love me, and I don't think I loved him, but he was my father.

I encourage you ... but this is up to you .. to write exactly what you feel to your father. First write out everything you feel in a draft and set it aside for yourself. Anger, hurt, etc. Then try to communicate with him. Email him your pain. Even if he doesn't/can't respond you will have said your piece.

You never know when you don't have that choice anymore.

I know the sick relationship I had with my parents damaged me regardless of the DP/DR, etc. I honestly believe being 100% open is freeing. You have nothing to lose.

And attacking him in an email (though I know you are hurt and angry) ... well I vote if I had been able to communicate with my father -- I would have just said, "Why?" I would have calmly asked SO many questions. I also heard from someone (some idiot friend of his) that he would rather have had a boy. I think it's true. But I will never know. At that time he was dying. There was no chance to confront him on that, and he was so out of it in the last few weeks it would have served no purpose.

Good Luck.
I understand the pain and hurt.
I have always felt like an orphan, my entire life. Having a parent abandon you physically or emotionally is devastating.




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fangril
Sep 30 2014 02:25 AM

Nobody knows what this man is feeling.

I can only relate this to myself so bear with me. I never send cards ever. But while some people send cards and go on with their lives, i would be someone that the real feelings behind the cards would eat me up inside. Maybe he is one of those people. But maybe not. Either way you've gotten this far. Always look forward. And lean on the people who do want to talk to you. You can't make people do things, especially if they don't want to. And that's not your fault.

Who knows the exact circumstances (...?), but it played out so that dad wouldn't be involved.

So what? Keep going. Sounds like childish "adult" behavior on the part of the "parents", totally out of your control and before you were even able to make sense of it. It's oout of your control. So do what makes you happy. : )))))

 
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