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So i thought i was getting better dpdr wise but my main thing right now is nothing feels like it used to. I feel like its dpdr but I am afraid this is just how it is now. I ask my older family if adults just think differently or have a transformation of consciousness or something and most of them tell me "yeah, adults think differently" and "yeah, life feels different when you get older" and ill tell them whats going on with me and they just tell me stuff like "your problems will get better." "This gets easier to deal with." And recently "You just need to grow up! Your putting yourself through all this!" And "this is just how life is!" Like??? So feeling unreal and questioning existence 24/7 is something i can just switch off like that?? Or something that i just live with from now on that might get easier? Some say i just have depression. I know i have depression too but thats not it. Yes depression can give you an existential crisis but thats not it? I was literally diagosed with ocd too and non of my family takes that seriously, thinking its normal but its debilitating, espessially with sleep, im up untill morning hours, sweating, tossing and turning, and cant stop thinking. I tremble, count, tap my fingers a certain number of times, mess with my eyesbrows all the time. And i also have to look shit up cause idk whatelse to do. I wonder if i accually fall asleep and just having a nightmare about this shit cause im not aware that 4 hours pass in like the blink of an eye. Im always tired, i cant even tell if ive rested sometimes unless i know i had an accual dream. I try guided meditation but half the time it just doesnt work and i have yet to receive treatment as i only just saw a therapist once recently and i only will see her once a week which doesnt feel like enough.
My mom even said i shouldnt see a therapist cause it wont do anything for me, that i can manage this on my own. Is she right? I feel so lost and i wanna feel like i did before, even if its just shitty health anxiety, its better than this. Im 21, do adults just transform in consciousness or something? I feel like reality itself is different and i dont even recognize myself or my life! All day, ill zone out about something and then when i look around, even in my own house and think "am i accually this person?" Or "i dont recognize anything" and "how am i only this?" "Am i accually just everything and noones real?" And then theres my personal favorite, "how does anything exist?" It never ends. I cant even talk to my mom anymore cause she just gets angry with me now. She claims shes been through stuff like this or has even worse problems. She always says im selfish for whatever reason because im always stuck in my head but im trying so hard to understand. Most people experiance brief moments of feeling unreal that goes away so thats probably what she means by relating to it but shes never had it cronically. Sometimes when i question who i am or if im that person from my memories, i get scared ill just stop existing or die right then and there because i know how fragile life is, espessially if i have an out of body feeling with it. Ive been trying to work on my fear of death which is whats helped me feel alil better dp wise but i still just cant shake it, that theres something so dark and mysterious thats permanent and inevitable. I dont even know what "normal" is anymore, i just want ME back but i can hardly remember what thats like. Time is so skewed, 3 years ago seems like the beginning of my true life since that was when the onset of all my mental issues began but the past 3 months have been the worst. Some fam say its just me growing up which yes could be a small part of whats going on but i sometimes literally cannot recognize myself or my reflection. Im just faking feeling better now around my loved ones cause i dont think they understand.
 
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