actually when you combine ecstacy and coke you get a massive---
oh wait nevermind
that's not productive is it
well during my dp career i had a lot more fun combining various street drugs than combining prescriptions, i guess because none of that stuff was going to cure me.
but god damn, guys. i could be the AUTHORITY on dpd here. I could have done research on every man, woman, child, and abortion (*) in search of more info on dee pee dee. I could publish papers. I could tell you that you couldn't cure dp without curing the anxiety or that the anxiety and the dp are unrelated or that you put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and ASKDGIJHAIOWENASIDGDS IT DOESNT MATTER!
But good ol' kicking and screaming...
I'll tell you...For a year or two I lived in an awful blur of hell. Where things were "stabilized". Not super bad and not great at all. I went through many days in half-existence, laid low, got a bit of fun, logged hours on the internet...still had DP, drugs helped the symptoms a little...progress? barely.
I didn't do any WORK on my self. I didn't know HOW to do any work on myself. I didn't know WHAT THE HELL TO DO. I would have posted the same, two or three years ago, to Des, with something like "you are a daft bastard who obviously doesn't know dpd and all the scholarly research involved in it etc etc"
But for me to tell the truth to some of the men and women in my life whom I was manipulating? For me to admit to A LOT of lies? For me to do things that scared the crap out of me? I didn't do it. I didn't know that was a solution.
Two/three years ago, I still thought that once i got outta DP jail, i'd go right back to trying to date a certain guy and go right back to some college major I was in for the wrong reasons (basically ones of narcissistic nature), and that I would SHOW all those people who thought i was crazy, i'd show them when i became successful and healthy, and I would go right back to getting the hell out of town and going to the coast to complete my dreams.
And I really hate that I keep harping on Mr Des, but a little post of his put a big dent in my plans, and probably saved my life. (Janine had many a wonderful post as well, but i wouldn't really understand what she was saying [except for blah blah blah don't self monitor blah blah KIDDING JANINE
] until this guy came along, and i really wish the old board wasn't gone because Jewels posts helped me very much as well)
he basically said things like "do what you're afraid of"
"be honest, tell people how you REALLY feel instead of being an actor"
and really, it wasn't Des's words; people in all SORTS of recovery programs say that stuff every day. But no one ever brought it to the attention of the DP'd folk.
and he said something about how your world would become beautiful and scary.
and i really thought about this one. a few months later, after reading a book about honesty, i started really implementing this stuff.
my time was up. i had to start telling people how i felt. i had to start doing things like saying NO when I didn't want to do something they asked me to. I had to learn to tell people why i was upset instead of just avoiding them (i'm still stuck on stuff like this, don't get me wrong). i had to play less control games and realize that my manipulations didn't work. i had to actually leave the house to go out into the world and possibly make a FOOL out of myself. I had to take risks, like play in a group sport i wasn't good at (instead of hanging out with a bunch of people i KNEW i could impress). I had to live some of the dreams i always had in my head (like singing in public and taking an acting class.) I had to LIVE this life, because there was no end to the amount of time DP would stay if i waited for its departure before i started living again.
all that started a year and a half ago, give or take.
how was that last year and a half, compared to the years before that of hellish but predictable complacence?
well, honestly, the last year and a half has been the absolute worst hell ever. I have had bouts of the bloodiest of bloodiest anxiety, e-mails to trusted friends of "I AM REALLY GONNA KILL MYSELF THIS TIME LIFE WILL NEVER GET BETTER AAAAAGH!", I have had MASSIVE dissapointments, sick relationships, horrifying family fights, prescription drug abuse, my world turned upside down every five minutes, emails to a certain DP board member with message titles such as "HELP HELP HELP", "PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE HELP" and "AAAAGH HELP!"
I have had times of curling up on the cold bathroom floor at school, crashing out on random couches, fits of screaming, crying rage in the hands of well-meaning strangers, xanax induced twilight tranquility a few hours later, misfortune upon misfortune upon misfortune and EVERY DAY A GOD DAMNED BLOODY PANIC THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHER FUCK ER
so, do i regret it?
no. I am thankful for it with every fiber of my being. I didn't realize how MUCH i would be kicking and screaming. YES, life has been SO, INCREDIBLY scary, like Des promised in that post...
but it has been beautiful too, like he said.
I believe, i HOPE, that i have started to make some of the first REAL friends I have ever had. I have accomplished SO many different things I really couldn't count them all. I met a ton of new friends, teachers, and other great people. I have had some of the craziest experiences...I got out feelings to people that I kept inside me for half a decade...i got to sing in public 8)
I learned about myself.
I became more trusting of myself (well, at least a tiny bit)
I started to see (and break away, hopefully it will last) from many of the sick relationships i was in and I have become more keen at spotting new ones before they get far
I have started to set boundaries.
I have accepted some really lame psychobabble terms like "setting boundaries".
I have gotten to know my family better.
I have done so many things i was afraid of, and i had fun at them. i became a better dancer, a better listener (well, a TINY bit), and hopefully a better friend.
I actually ask people how THEY are. sometimes.
and you know what? last night i went out to a party that held NO expectatiosn for me, that held NO chance of meeting a guy or being recognized for whatever greatness I feel I have, just a party with people I used to cast off as completely boring.
and last night i had fun.
i feel that little change has been like a deliverance from the depths of hell. the depths of my own hell.
that subtle, TINY, change took a year and a half of the most gut wrenching horrors outside of DP itself (i was not cured from DP at all, but these horrors were different).
That little change cost my family hundreds of dollars in therapy (although therapy is not where I healed anyway), as well as hundreds of dollars on some pretty interesting medical procedures ( the lighter one being a crowdsurfing accident because I drunkenly decided that I needed to confront my fear of crowdsurfing 8) got dropped on my tailbone, dang)
that little change cost most of my entire way of life.
that little change cost me an incredible amount of heartache and tears, mostly over my own expectations and delusions.
but that change represented a glimpse into REALITY, where i was a small part of a bigger world and not in my own fantasy world.
yes. kicking and screaming. it has been catastrophic. but it has also been so much fun, even in those catastrophic moments, even in the drug induced craziness, even in the bad breakups it has been SO MUCH MORE INCREDIBLY AMAZING THAN SITTING AT THE GOD DAMNED COMPUTER PROVING TO PEOPLE THAT DPD COULD ONLY BE CURED IN SUCH AND SUCH WAY AND THAT WHOEVER OBJECTED TO THAT IDEA, RECOVERED OR NOT, WAS MEAN WRONG AND INSENSITIVE AND GOD DAMNIT I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT THAN BE HAPPY!
(but do acutal work to change myself? naaaaaaaaah, don't need to do that. I'll just wait for a cure.)
slowly clawing and scratching for the slightest scraps of change, rising and falling on the way, taking some risks and learning, although hellish, has also been the ride of my life, has taken me to places physically and mentally i would have NEVER imagined years ago...
so. if you want to sit here and worry about the definition of DP and what the good doctors of the world say, great. you have a master's thesis.
but if you want this stuff to have any benefit for your SELF, you're gonna have to forget about ALL of that shit and start doing things that you would never imagine doing.
the things you fear most.
anything else would be suicide.
*phrase lovingly stolen from someone who saved me when i was responsible and killed me when i wasn't
