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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey again!

I'm completely new here, but I posted some time ago 1 topic called Doubting Girl, where I sumed up shortly main struggles that I go through. This time I would like to share with You what actually triggered my depersonalization.

Well, my psychologist don't really think it's depersonalization, rather something based on panic, but anyway I know what I felt in my brain.

After my mum's death (when I was 8 years old) I got interested in building relationship with God. I was raised in Catholic Church like most of people who live in Poland. So, when she died I felt alone and started talk to God, pray and I treated God as a protector...like a parent that I lost. I had a thoughts about becoming a nun. Kids from my class looked at me in a strange way. They couldn't understand why I am so interested in religion and I couldn't understand why they don't give a damn about creator of the Universe. Obviously they didn't have to go through trauma of losing a parent, especially mum, who is the most precious for any child.

You know, years went by and when I was 16 years old and started going to high school, my dad decided that it will be good to have at home an Internet connection for learning purposes. That was a time when I hit on a idea to write a screenplay as a way to go abroad to a university. I needed more information for my stories-mostly about people who believe in a different forms of religion. So, I started searching more and more informaton about Christianity in the first place and I realized that there is lots of prophesies about end of the world and Jesus Christ's coming back. I was reading some passeges of the Bible related to things that I have never seen when I was in a Catholic Church. It all started to be very problematic. Because I was a person who had a respect for God from early childhood years I decided to trust what is written in a Bible.

In April 2011, I visited Evangelical Church (it turned out that it's really close to the block of flats where I'm living). I seemed to be really moved by that what I discovered about Christinity, especially in a more fundamental way. People welcomed me warmly. There was a one girl who obsessively liked me from the first sight and she was the only one or one from two young people in this church, rest of them were mostly elderly folks. It changed with a time.

In September 2011, I decided to officially accept Christ as my Lord and saviour and be baptized in a water BUT...before that special event I started having real doubts related to the whole faith. In the back of my head were some questions related to Darwin's evolution and I wasn't sure to live in a such a conservative community when it comes to thinking about anything in this world. It all started to SCARE me terribly. I was afraid to try an atheistic, liberal world, because it never really suit my quiet personality, shyness and angelic face...mostly, I was just afraid to lose God that I was relying on since my mum's death.

So in August 2011, some time before water baptism I wrote about my struggles and doubts on Protestant forum. They calmed me down, said they had some thoughts like that before baptism and that the devil tries to trick me in some way.

But, I remember that one mysterious guy wrote to me and he said that he was in Catholic Church , than in a Protestant Church and now he is an Atheist. He said that unfortunately whole religion is an illusion and my beliefs are based on a fantasy-something like that.

That wasn't a turning point in my depersonalization yet, but it was close to that. I registered on another forum, but this time it was a social forum "for open-minded people". My curiosity led me to it. I explained to people there what I believe in and why (I didn't mentioned my doubts about Christinity). There was a one guy who left Pentacostal Church and another who was much into Western Spirituality and I remember he wrote something like "god is like a policeman who controls our thoughts and actions".

I don't get it why, but it hit me in a brain SO BADLY that immediately I felt something weird in my brain. I felt weird in my room, not like before.

I experienced kind of panic attack. I didn't know what is happening with my brain. I thought that I will lose my consciousness, stop talking or forget who I am.

This felt so real and i felt like some sort of CURTAIN was put on my brain.

Some time after that experience I reminded myself when one of my online friends mentioned something to me about depersonalization in his depression.

I researched what depersonalization is all about and it seemed to perfectly fit to that what I experienced.

When it all happened I was ignoring this state of mind and I was focusing as much as it's possible on my daily duties and I decided to be baptized in a water with ALL these doubts related to faith :/

Six years passed quickly from this time and I am still in church, but in a closet as a free-thinker. I'm planning to write letter to my church during summer time to explain that I have a crisis of faith and don't believe in a God the way I used to and I want to looking for a community abroad when I will finish my studies in my country.

In my case it was stupid, cause I started having doubts about Christianity before baptism in Evangelical Church and I was

afraid to tell the church that I don't have conviction. As a result I go to church for 6 years and pretend to be a believer or sometimes feel like a believer.

I treated God as a protector, who will take care of me while my dad was working and I was home alone. Other kids with full families didn't understand what I go through.

Because of lack of mum and grandmothers in my life I am kind of emotionally unstable and look weird and envy at other girls who do everything with their mums. I thought that God and church will be a part of my entire world till I die. I was saying myself "Well even if the rest members of my family will die I will have God and church wherever I will go".

Also, I have a really weird addictions that help me to not to think about the whole situation that I am in:

- handbags addiction and shopaholism in general that led me to lots of debts and caused my dad (the only parent that I have) to drink an alcohol,

- listening and watching favourite music video clips for few hours everyday and dancing (actually jumping like crazy to the rhythm),

- searching different stuff and watching different interviews from the past era or current stuff,

- talking to myself out loud about subjects that I am interested in or actually talking like I would be interviewed by someone (like I would be in a talk show).

Some time ago I registed on a forum called Ex-Christian forum when I shared my story and still share lots of thoughts with them. Hope that in the future I will meet a community in reality.

THANK YOU, for reading my post and I'm sorry if I hurt someone's spiritual feeling, but I really needed to share this story with You.

I HAVE A HOPE that someone here has also some experiences with crisis of faith and it's impact on a mental health.
 

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Jedi Knight
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It sounds like your faith is something that has been important to you and helped you through difficult times, so I'm not surprised you've had some difficulties if things have lead you to question it.

Working out whether religion is something that is or isn't for you is different for every person, but I'd just like to point out that Christianity isn't the only belief system out there, and it may be the case that something else is a better fit for you.

Hope you're well :)
 
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I lost my spirituality and desire for religious beliefs when I was 17 after becoming severely ill following intense temporal lobe seizures. I got no help from medical experts and would not understand or establish that I was epileptic for 35 years. My spiritual advisor became Christopher Hitchens who has been preserved for posterity (he died of esophageal cancer in 2011), in numerous best selling books, and youtube videos.

Hitchens makes strong arguments that religion is the source of much of the worlds wars, pain, and suffering. "(God is not Great"). The more you listen to his arguments, the more you realize he is absolutely correct. It is not the end of the world to lose one's belief in god.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I lost my spirituality and desire for religious beliefs when I was 17 after becoming severely ill following intense temporal lobe seizures. I got no help from medical experts and would not understand or establish that I was epileptic for 35 years. My spiritual advisor became Christopher Hitchens who has been preserved for posterity (he died of esophageal cancer in 2011), in numerous best selling books, and youtube videos.

Hitchens makes strong arguments that religion is the source of much of the worlds wars, pain, and suffering. "(God is not Great"). The more you listen to his arguments, the more you realize he is absolutely correct. It is not the end of the world to lose one's belief in god.
Thank You for Your response forestx5 :)

Yeah, it's true that Christopher Hitchens made some good arguments, but unfortunately not everyone has such a strong mental health to easily deal with feelings related to losing a believe in God. For some people God is a sense of existence and when all of the sudden they find out that God is not necessary "there" or "alive"...it's truly end of the world for them and beginning of insanity.

When someone loses faith in God, they have to stop relying on Him and realize that they only can decide about their destiny.
 

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Honestly, I think we are part of something more amazing than that which is explained by a man made god. All religions are, in fact, man made. Most plagarize from each other sinfully. Virgin births and resurrections are a dime a dozen. I suppose it is allowable to believe in a higher power, as one might perceive it....but it shouldn't interfere with one's rational thinking.

Or, you can take a side and participate in the next crusade. It's all good.
 
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