Well I finally got my appointment with the gp on Monday (Wahey we're making great progress here). I must say that since Friday I have been feeling slightly better. I mean before I was almost considering suicide, but now I'm just about managing, although still a million miles away from normality.
Anyway, the gp was a woman, a very nice lady who did seem to want to listen, and not just reach for her prescription pad before I even sat down. After telling her some of my more down to earth symptoms, anxiety depression, panic attacks, and feelings of unreality (without reeally specifying what these were), she said that perhaps It would be best not to go down the anti depressent route strait away. She suggested counselling first of all. I really don't see how counselling is supposed to help. Basically exitence itself, everything about out from the external world to my own thoughts and feelings, feels unreal, I'm extremely depressed. I'm not particularly anxious anymore, just sort of emotionally dead, or depressed, whatever. I'm having the most bizarre obsessive thoughts, thoughts that don't even make sense anymore. Now how the hell is sitting in a room with a counsellor who's probably used to hearing stuff like 'my flat mates hate me' 'my course is too hard' etc, gonna' help.
I know the only way our is to stop obsessing, but I'm so depressed that I simply haven't the strength to turn my attention away. It's been two weeks since I saw any signs of normality, and that was only fleeting. When the depression starts to lift, there's a huge amount of anxiety underneath. So for God's sake someone just get me some Paxil, and lets get this over with.
I tried Paxil for a week, two years ago. I seemed to tolerate it quite well. It made me a lot more depressed for a few days. On the evening of the last day of me taking it, I actually really started to feel better.
But now I have to wait another week before I can see the gp again. I have my counselling appointment on Tuesday.
For God's sake, HURRY UP!!!