[squish_is_me]

Last may when I began having these issues it was when me and BF were supposed to be splitting! I love him dearly and have two children and want nothing more than to marry him! He however finds pot to be more inportanat so he is leaving because I dont want it in my house.
Well during the time I was pregnant we were working things out but I still never really knew where I stood. After I had my son I thought everything was fine until I found out he was stealing from my daughter. Then we began talking about pot and splitting. and I feel like my DR episodes have gotten some worse lately though I still am not sure what brings them on some days!
Well I was reading a post on here between someone and Janine. Janine was talking about this state being caused by us hinding from things ... or something along that line. Well I have a ver very deep seeded fear of being alone in some ways but more than anything being without Adam(bf)!! I really really dont wanna loose him! I hate to think about it! Everyday I hope he will change his mind! In a lot of ways he is also a security blanket! When I have a DR episode it is comforting to know he is there or he will be latter! He will always be there! Now that is all changing! He is leaving and I am having a hard time coping with that alone but also the fact that my security blanket is leaving!
I also have a BPD mother and a huge deep seeded fear I will turn into her! A fear I will physically or emotionally hurt my children! I fear hurting them since she hurt me so much!
Should I try to accept and let go of the fear and concerns. Stop worrying about my security blanket being gone and stopy being terrified I will be my m,other, stop worrying I will harm my children? Would that help?
If so ... i am not really sure how to do two of those! I know how to try and let go of Adam, though it is hard. But my fear of being BPD is horrible as is the fear of harming my children because I may be like her one day. I am not really sure to over come that? Any thought?

(oh and by the way I have been a bit of a posting nut since I just found this site so thanks for listening and helping me!!! )

 

[squish_is_me]

uuuuuh... noone has a guess or answer??

 

[Guest]

Sorry no one replyed quickly enough, it maybe just take some time. I personally think there are certain good fears, things you have to accept, and things you shouldn't dwell on.

You are worried about losing your boyfriend, harming your children and becoming BP like your mother. Not wanting to harm your children is an important thing, maybe a little irrational. I found from my experience that important relation ships (like your children) are important as they are a gateway to the real emotional world. DP tries to severe us from a reality that we can't handle (but usually misfires and gets us stuck in this zone).

Have you paniced at the thought of losing your bf forever? If so, the panic couldn't be healthy for your dp and you should think about what you would do if he were gone.

I'm not very well educated on BP, but doesn't it develop at a very young age, like before you can have children? If i'm correct on that point then you shouldn't have to fear it. Alot of dp/drs including me have a fear that they will lose their mind to another disorder, namely shizophrenia. I say don't worry about developing those other problems.

 

[squish_is_me]

Well BPD is actually a personality disorder based on the fear abandonment and it usually always appears in someone who has been either sexually or physically abused and or abandoned. My mother was actually quite normal till she was like20 something and was abandoned by a man who got her pregnant and then she abandoned the child. From what I know it can come on at many points in your life. I have not been abused o been abandoned but I do still fear turning out like her because she feels soi horrible inside and alone and because I cant stand her! I dont wanna feel that way and I dont want my kids to feel that way about me!

As far as BF goes... Well possibly I was not clear. He is leaving! He wants to smoke pot in our house and I wont let him and so he is leaving and I am devistated! I truely wanted to marry this man and now he is just gonna leave! Beyond that he is a bit of a security blanket in my times of anxiety and DR and fear!
Does that make more sense?

 

[Sojourner]

You obviously think that smoking dope and stealing are things you don't want around you. Why, therefore, would you want someone who does those things?

Seems to me you're feeling dependence upon him and that is not love.

Let him go and find a good man.

I applaud you for drawing the line in the sand and saying, "No pot." Good for you. That shows you have strength.

You will get strong being alone for a while, and it doesn't have to be forever. The stronger you get, the more you will see it wasn't love.

 

[squish_is_me]

I wont lie he is somewhat of a safety blanket for me but there is no doubt I love him! I love him with every ounce of my being! Just because someone does something you dont like or that isnt right doesnt mean you dont actually love them! I find it hard to imagine myself ith anyone but him! Not because he is comforting when I have my DR and anxiety but because I care so deeply for him! we have shared some very speial times together and he truely means the world to me! He just isnt ready to grow up! He got me preggie right when we had just finally gained our freedom and were living alone and we had to move back home! I am 21 (22 in July) and have a 3 yr old and a 4 1/2 mo old. It is trying on anyone. especially I think on younger peopl buthe just has never accepted and coped with the fact that this is how life has to be!
But my point of this was that I was wondering if possibly my fear that I wont be ok without it might be that thing I dont wanna admit! That possibly things arent as good as I thought and that he should go and that I dont want him too and that he Is a safety blanket as well as my love! And that I was wondering if this could be that thing that I dont wanna admit that is helping cause these DR moments?

 

[Sojourner]

Seems quite possible. You are under great stress right now.

 

[Universal]

Well any psychological stressors are always helping making the dpdr worse. I guess your decision should be more of a balanced one. Maybe you can let him smoke, but not around your children and make him smoke so he blows it out the window and no into the house. I feel for you, it must be tough to have children at this age (I'll be 21 in 2 months). Plus having this condition is no picnic. If you really love him, maybe you shouldn't boot him. It's really not fault of yours being he is a security blanket, because you need people to be with/share love together. It's a tough decision but it looks like you might need him for help and admitting you need help isn't a weakness, in fact admitting you need help is what's getting me back on track in life, just admitting in my heart and soul that I'm imperfect (no matter of how compulsive I get). I find that if I remain humble around people it's so much easier to go throught the day and get along... anyway don't wannt make this post about ME, lol.

 

[squish_is_me]

well, i I allow him to smoke in my house then I run the risk of losing my children! F*ck that! If someone smeeled it and called the cops my kids could be taken from me even though I am clean! I'm not having any part of it!
I agree that admitting I need help is a good step I agree but isnt it wrong to hold on to the safety blanket bad. I mean dont get me wrong I love him deeply! buuuut... I was talking on here in another post about letting go of that thing that makes it feel ok... so on that note wouldnt my own advise elisit the fact that I should let him go even though I am afraid to?

 

[Sojourner]

When you make a decision about this -- one that really comes from your deepest self -- I think you may be surprised about how you feel.

 

[gem]

You are in a very tough situation and I sympathize with you. I can offer a little bit of advice it may be helpful it may not be. Loving someone with all your heart and soul is truly very precious and when that love becomes painful it hurts deeply. You sound like a loving caring mother who wants the best for her children. Like all human beings we all want to be loved and be able to love someone. Trust and respect is very important in a relationship. This love, trust and respect has to work both ways. In your situation it sounds like you are giving and trying to have a happy home. Unfortunately it does not sound like this is being returned to you. I know it hurts deeply when you love someone and some of the things they do make life hard to live but you must remember that you and only you can make the decision whether this is the life you want, yes you may believe that the security blanket is there right now, but is it? You have to look at what you are recieving in this relationship. Is the trust and respect being given to you? Life can be beautiful when sharing with someone you love but being loved and respected in return is very important. In the years to come you may want to ask yourself do I want to be in a relationship where your feelings are not respected. If someone wants to leave because they cannot have their own way this is not showing love. It is a give and take when you are with someone. Please remember though it is also very important that you have the love and respect for yourself also.

gem.