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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone!

I'm writing to ask for help regarding my boyfriend (who's now my ex). I'll try to make the story short.

He's 32 and he had a really rough time last year with big life changes that have left him on the edge, including having to move to his distressing mother's house, then coming to a new country, getting a new and more demanding job... We've spent half of the year living a long-distance relationship and I have seen him gradually enter what it seemed to be a mild depression, alongside with a really strong anxiety state.

He would always say that I was his safety ground, the surest thing he had in life and the person who he loved the most. We were planning our wedding, we got along really well and we had no significant issues disturbing the relationship.

When he came to be with me, last October, he was already in a very distressed state due to his mother's provocations and the pressure to keep the new job. Then, he told me he "almost had a panic attack" in the plane, during the flight...

When he got here, some other things happened that left him really disturbed and then one day we went out with some friends and, PUFF, it's like he was completely lost inside himself. He almost didn't interact with us at all.

At home, he almost wouldn't talk to me and every single minute he had of free-time would be spent watching Netflix. Before, we would really connect and he would be more relaxed and comfortable, play his guitar (which now he doesn't even touch), walk around, I don't know, there was really something different. He kept saying that he didn't feel at home and by then I wasn't really worried about any psychological problem because I was just thinking that he'd had fallen out of love with me, or that it was the new apartment or the overall stress...

But then he had another panic attack. And then another one. And one day he called me when I was nowhere near home to say that he "saw me" outside the building and that he was wondering why I still hadn't entered the house. I said that I was miles away, but by this point I was really worried about his mental health.

Our sex life was close to none.

He started saying that he didn't feel the way he used to about me anymore and he didn't understand why. He couldn't answer absolutely any question regarding our future, but at the same time he didn't want to break up with me nor go back to his parents' home earlier (by this time, we were still in a long-distance relationship and he had plans to go back to his parents' house for Christmas). He was really confused about everything and he kept saying that he didn't know who he was or what he wanted in life. This was all really strange to see because the man I know was very sure of himself, of his actions and normally didn't question himself much or didn't think much about this kind of stuff... So to see him making philosophical questions like "who am I?" felt really wrong and strange.

He would get pessimistic about life, he'd say he wasn't happy and that he thought he'd never be happy at all.

When we would talk about our future together, he simply couldn't talk or decide anything (he said he didn't know anything about his life or his wishes anymore) and his stomach would get upset to a point I felt I would be hurting him if I kept on trying to talk. Once, when we tried to talk, he started crying convulsively for a while, then he ran to scream with his face to a pillow and then he simply just let himself fall down to the floor, frustrated because he couldn't feel the same way as before and so couldn't say what he wanted. He was also afraid I would stop loving him because of this...

All of this was alternated with some good moments when he seemed to be himself and to love me as well.

By monday or sometimes even sunday, he couldn't remember what he did during the weekend.

He would complain that he didn't know what he was feeling...

To finish the story, the time came for him to go back to our home country. On our last week together I felt him closer to me than before, he was really loving, we said we'd be together and find a way to sort everything out and I could really feel he loved me and that he was sad to get away from me, with everything we had gone through. We really believed that once he was back to his comfort zone and close to his family his mind would function better... He didn't want to break up!

Well, he traveled and the first week he got there he called me to say that his feeling for me was "cloudy", that he couldn't feel he loved me anymore and that he really needed to be alone to sort his mind. A couple of weeks later I found out that he cheated on me the following day that he got there with a friend of his (he says he likes her as a friend, but that he felt confused about her) and that he felt really bad about it the first two weeks, but now he doesn't seem to feel shit. It seems that he has absolutely no empathy for my pain right now and I KNOW he is not this kind of guy. He is really caring towards others and he couldn' do something like this and don't feel bad about it, especially to me.

He can't explain why he doesn't love me anymore, he says there wasn't any problem in our relationship... When I asked him if this is only with me, if he can feel love towards his family, his parents, brothers and nieces, he said "no" and started crying really hard, wondering if he would ever be able to feel again!

He said his mind is foggy and that his concentration and his memory are shit, but he thought it was because of the week he smoked in 2016, which makes absolutely no sense because he can recall not being like this before he came to meet me in France. He says all he feels is "transition" and he doesn't feel like he's home anywhere. He doesn't play his guitar anymore and he said he can't even exercise...

He seems like an entirely different person, cold and distant, it's like we never lived a beautiful story together.

I know he had a childhood trauma and that because of this he would dissociate sometimes during stressful moments, but I don't think he ever had a depersonalization episode...

He's been seeing a therapist for a month now and I hope they can figure out wtf is happening to him... He said that so far they are treating it as if he has "suppressed" his love for me because of all the stress he has been going through.

I've been hurt and I think the pain I'm feeling right now is so big it compensates for both of us. Even though he cheated on me and had no compromise whatsoever, I still love him and I know he's not the man I'm seeing right now. It has been a month and a half since we broke up and we've been speaking once a week ever since (mostly I'm the one who reaches out). He doesn't want to have contact with me anymore because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, so I can't really know how everything is progressing or what other symptom he's been having, but it kills me not to understand.

Please help me out guys, does this seem like depersonalisation to you?? Being just a symptom of anxiety or depression, can this go away faster than it does when it's DR disorder?

When he's able to feel again, will he still feel love for me or will he be able to look back and see what he did, what he lost?

The first time you had this, did you understand right away what was happening to you? Can someone relate to my story?
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