[Flavius]

Okay,

I'm discovered this forum before year and a half, I was in a mild state of Dp/Dr and having intense panic attack on daily basis. It was hell. Now it's way worse, ten time worse. I wonder it even could be worse. I readed hundreds of stories, especially recovery section and doing some topics by myself. Just when I though I'm on a half way to heal I ruined myself even more.

I reading all these symptoms by others but my list is almost endless :O and that's freaking me out. I'm really scared I will do suicide, because I don't think about suicide anymore, I have a urge to do that, but I don't want to ruin my family, I'm craving for recovery. Nobody in the world deserve to ''live'' this way. This isn't life. It's life only tehnicaly.

Since I developed agoraphobia (I'm bedbound) I can't even sometimes go to the nearest grocery store or even throw away a trash in a dumpster.

Since this lasting for almost two years now and doesnt passing I'm really freaked out that I will end in mental institution locked down for a long time. I'm tripping worse case scenarios . In my country society is very conservative and uneducated about trauma related issues so it's very hard to tell my story to other people, even to my family members - I always telling that I'm depressed, which is the only just tip of the iceberg. I have zero support from my family, both financially and spiritually or whatsoever.

I can't work work almost nothing, barely functioning. My movements and coordinations are almost locked, like I'm robot. Like I'm using hands to do something. Like my body isn't mine anymore. When I'm walking I have a feeling like I'm floating, barely having control over my body.

Preexistent Issues

Prior to this anxiety/panic attack induced Dp/Dr I suffered from social phobia and major depression. Prior to panic attacks I'm almost never searched for theraphist, I fighted on my own, have good and bad times. Due to my awkward social skill I couldn't establish any relationship with females, even to those that kinda liked me. I had few friends and lived in my own world, reading books about philosophy and religion. I was deep into Catholic faith nad went on many spiritual renewal, it's kinda made me calmer. I was believer in Jesus Christ, but that cost me of lack of social engaging, now I abandod my faith because I started to lose faith in God.I seriously started to doubt that personal God intervenes in peoples life. Further, I couldn't go on parties and drink since I couldn't stand alchohol, it made me even worse.I was so nervous around people almost never engaging in conversations instead I was pretty well self educated on many topics.

Childhood Story

I thought I always have a pretty happy childhod, from 5 to 12. After reading a dozens of articles and some books and all those videos and seminars on childhood traumas and their relationship to adult life now I know I'm wrong. I have a very strict father and I experienced fear in very early phase of childhood. I was not beating, maybe rarely, but I was surrounded by yelling father and he didn't care to much about me, especially emotionally. I have my toys and friends but that's it. I passed from my hometown to another smaller town at the age of 12. It was city devasted by the war, yes here in Croatia was war beetwen 1991.-1995.

In my middle school I fall twice first grade. It gaved me so much stress and shame in my life that I started to dissociate from myself. Some friends also noticed that I'm pretty lost. At that time I really didn't know whats happening with me. I didn't search for therapist. I moved to another school in my hometown and started to recovering. I continue to live pretty normally, a little bit depressed and socially awkward and insecure but nothing severe.

Now, I'm 32, having no girlfriend or close friends, relying on my mother and brother who really don't understanding whats going on with me.

After girl rejected me that I loved and married with other guy I went to emotional breakdown. I was so distress that I couldnt sleep properly. I applyed for working on cruise ship. My biggest mistake in my life. Working on cruise ship far away from home completely devaste me. I was only two months but I didn't recovered to this day.

Working with mild DP, anxiety and panic attack on cruise ship was worst thing someone could do. But I deciede to fight it. I couldn't.

My body couldn't carry such prolonged and intense stress so I collapsed and completely dissociate from myself.

From moderate DP I went into severe DP state, that last more than I year now. I was able to drive my car and I drive car just to get into reality. It was like I'm in a half dream.

Medications

Mitrazapin for depression, quit after six-seven months, not help at all, maybe from begining

Now I'm only on benzodiazepams, carefull about dosage, don't want to high dosage because I'm affraid, but doesnt have effects as used to be

Symptoms

- feeling detached from myself completely, like I'm ghost

- enviroment doesnt makes significance or meaning

- always introspecting myself, my thoughts, am I real

- obssessive existential thoughts, freaking about my existence, why I exist in the universe, what is God, is there a meaning to life (list is endless)

- obsessive intrusive thoughts ( watching movie clips of my life on and on), repeating memories when I was feeled humilated with others or embaressed

- hypohondriasis, applyng to myself everything I read about mental illnesses on this forum or elsewhere, thinking about every mental disorder I read or knowing

- can't watch horror or psychologilcal movies, kinda freaks me out. I saw a madman on movie and I started to freaking I will be like him, ended up in mental institution

- highly social phobia, barely can watch people in their eyes, always thinking how they perceive me

- bad coordination and movements, often my legs starts to shaking, my arms feels like they are artifficial

- tripping everything I can imagine, pure obsession what If I lose my mind and start to run naked on the street, what if I kill someone etc. I know I wouldn't but fear is there.

- I can't recognize myself in the mirror, like I watching a stranger, like me isn't me anymore

- it's like panic attack 24/7, always in tension and fear, obsessively trying to control

- fearing of losing control over myself or already losed

Calming myself through relaxation music, TV shows I barely can focuse music, doesnt distract me as before. Even benziodizepams doesnt calm me anymore ( I dont want to lift up a dosage).

Please help me, I have no money to pay a well quallifed therapist anymore. Should I rise a dosage of benzodiazepams?

This is really hell, every day I woke up and nothing changes. There's moments of distractions when I forget about my DP (or is it something other) but it's almost impossible to not to think. I can't go oustide anymore because my legs are so shaky and body is numb.

Please give me some advice.

 

[Flavius]

Symptoms I forget to mention:

- episodes of rage and conflicts, very edgy and easy to provoke

- cant think clearly

- my speech is sometimes blocked, poorly verbalization skills, sometimes like cry is coming out of my mouth instead of words

- disorientation , fatigue and feeling of weakness

- sleep deprivation, constantly scanning heartbeat

- feeling like I'm going to die or experience near death, like I'm totally dissapearing

- poor cognitive skills, barely can read

- even in my bed dont feel safe anymore

...and some others symptoms I cant describe

 

[jr85]

Flavius, I'm sorry you're in a bad way. I've been suicidal for about a year now but not as often as I was. Mine also started from extreme stress and anxiety. We're in a state of shutdown because we were under so much psychological stress that our nervous system perceived that we are going to die, so it shuts us down from feeling to make it easier for us to die. It doesn't matter that we weren't really under threat of dying. Our nervous system doesn't know the difference. It's a form of PTSD. I highly recommend the book "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine. He identifies this shutdown mechanism and has given me great hope that we can recover. I was 95% sure I was going to kill myself so I understand the pain. He also has an online course that I just started to help us complete the trauma cycle so we can recover. The trauma is stuck in our bodies and the horror of being a zombie keeps the state of fear and shutdown going. Good luck.

 

[Flavius]

Thanks for reply; I read Peter Levine Waking the Tiger. I understand the mechanism of nervous system. This is to long and to heavy to bear. I'm feeling like I'm near death, waiting to be eated by tiger. It makes perfect sense all this Levine work, but I have no money to do the therapy. Somatic experiencing practice isnt yet provided in my country. I'm stuck in this hell.

 

[Phantasm]

Thanks for sharing your story Flavius. You know how when a computer gets too much malware it starts to shut down? I think it can be like that, but our malware is the negative messages we receive, through mistreatment and neglect, especially in our formative years. Seeing that it didn't come from us, not identifying with it but starting to question its validity, whether it was good information or bad information, being the friend you need to yourself, can make a difference.

 

[Flavius]

Well, in my early stage of dp/dr I could somehow go to the coffe shop, I was near panick attack every time and sitting on the edge of chair, ready to escape. I dont want to go outside anymore and torture myself, its always struggle.

Now, I'm in severe dp state, feeling like ghost, like I'm dead, completely losing sense of self and feeling overwhelming fear. I cant even concetrate on easiest task, barely having control over my movements. I live in dysfunctional family, nobody cares about me. I have no job or any income or support. This is what hell looks like.

 

[Flavius]

Well, let me say something about @Somatic Experiencing Therapy. I read it a lot on the internet, and after all this medication I tried I was thinking that this kind of therapy is the key to recovering, since is something new and revolutionary and not yet in mainstream psychotherapy.

Well, in February (before two months) I done in private three session with certified practitioner, who's actually doing stuff to bring this therapy to my country (Croatia) and educating people (psychiatrist, social worker, body workers etc).

On first session it was very strange. Woman just staring at my body and ask me about sensation I feel and describe my surroundings.

After three days and three sessions I can't say I got some relief. There's no any stress discharge from my body, even when I did some strange movements, nothing really happened and I was somehow dissapointed. I was one of the first in my country I went on this session. In Croatia, it will be available in year 2020. for clients after three year course.

Waking the Tiger by the Peter Levine is excellent book, I read it prior to my session and I was excited to see what actualy is Somatic Experiencing Therapy. Actually, three courses arent enough to discharge stress from my body, it must take a couple of years to fully discharge stress from my body and be authentic self like a born again. It takes a lot of money and time to heal ourselves from this form of PTSD. I've been anxious and depressed since my teen years, and thas alnost 20 years of suffering.

Am I better than before four months? I can say nor better or worse, but not that suicidal as before four months. Still is hell, but minor changes are occuring, I know that because I couldn't even type anything on this forum, that bad my condition was.

 

[allison84]

Hi I'm glad you are feeling in a stronger state of mind
I've had this over 2 years now and I know after so long it just feels impossible to ever get over this but we need to keep pushing forward at least for our loved ones

 

[Flavius]

I envy those people in recovery section that are healed after 1.5 years. Since my first panic attack it past exactly 2.5 years. Since I register on this forum it past 2 years. At that time in late spring my DP was mild, barely have it and I was function pretty well and I prepared myself to work on cruise ship. After spending 2 months on ship my body stopped to function and I was in a full state of DP-

Being depersonalized at the ship in the middle of ocean is worst nightmare you can get. There was a time I couldnt leave my own room, obssesively researching this condition, and taking supplement and medication that barely helped.

In more than 2 years theres different stages of DP. You never can fully distract yourself from DP because it is in your head heavily affecting mind and thoughts. I really feel like I'm already passed away and now I'm ghost just observing things without emotion, everything is meaningless and strange.

In books by Peter Levine, PhD, he describes dissociation from evolutionary perspective as a last defense mechanism of body to prepare it for less painfull death.

When our ancestors dealed with the danger/tiger in woods or jungle they were in high fight/flight mode. However, if they perceived they cant escape and they will be eaten and killed by beast/tiger, they bodies instantly shuts down the mind and emotions so humans can feel less pain as possible.

So. DP is natural defense mechanism that supposed to be a gift of nature. Well, curse is that brain and nervous system doesnt know we no longer live in a jungle as a humans anymore and brain didnt change alot since last 200 000 years. This need to be understood. In DP we function in a primal way, healing process is a slow and unlinear.

 

[Phantasm]

Maybe the difference is that we are self-aware, so while an animal may just accept these processes and allow them, we have the ability to question, misinterpret and become afraid of trauma symptoms. An animal may just shake it out, while we may come to see the sensations themselves as danger signals. We can also be conditioned to turn against and question ourselves, if we are given negative responses about who we are and our place in the group.

 

[Flavius]

Well, in the animal kingdon trauma is virtualy non-existent because animals (and human also) have natural response to traumatic stress events by shaking stress off immediately through nervous system. Humans have also this instinct to protect itself from traumatic and stressful events by fligh/fight or freeze reaction, it's in our most primitive part of the brain, and here is the problem, shaking is in our culture considered as a sign of weakness and we suppress that in order to not embaress ourselves.

This cognitive or prefrontal (neocortex) parts of the brain in humans is what oftenly causes trauma to suppress. This self awareness, intellectual capacity, imagination and other neocortex functions are doing more harm than good in a response to traumatic events.

Problem why CBT or talk therapy doenst work with PTSD ( in PTSD dissociation is very common) is because neocortex part of the brain almost cant reach to the primal/primitive part of the brain, so only way to reach homeostasis (state of balance in nervous system) is through body movements, yoga and long term meditation and others stuff to rewire our brain and reset nervous system.

Body Keeps the Score (Brain, Body and Mind in the Healing of Trauma) by Bessel van der Kolk is the bible of trauma related disorders (depression, bipolar, anxiety, ptsd, c-ptsd etc). Recommened to all. I almost cry when I read that books, It makes so sense and I realized many things from my own life experience.

PM if you want this book in PDF or EPUB format.