[Guest]

I'm seeking to get out of this state in part through talking to someone everyday and repeating how much I want to get out of this. Its difficult sometimes when the dreamy world hits you and takes you away far from any empathy for and connection with anyone. I'm working in a music group at the minute and I'm so aware of how the other two joke and play around and I just feel like its all just a million miles away sometimes. It feels like I'm not in control and so am then overly blunt and often surely insensitive when I speak. I hate this. This wasn't the person I was before. I'm struggling though and I suppose then I go to the extreme form of hoping other people won't see by being tough and no-nonsense hard ass about everything. Agghh! Does anyone else feel like this? Am I alone in these feelings? I wish I could jump out of myself and say to these people in a soothing manner, she doesn't mean it, she's just hurting somehow. That its not what I want. I just don't know the aternatives. I'm aware this just sounds crazy. I guess the heart does have its reasons of which reason knows nothing. I thought the other day of how maybe this freezing this paralysing feeling is what is needed by the heart to survive sometimes repeated trauma. how do people communicate with work colleagues? What does it feel like for y'all? How do you cope? Thanks!!!!!!

 

[Diverticulitis]

You know that machine that Homer uses to handle the radioactive rod in the opening titles of the Simpsons? The thing where you stick your arms through two openings in a glass tank and pick things up with pincers? That's how I feel when I'm dealing with other people. I fumble and grab and try to pick up their delicate emotions with my clumsy, heavy pincers, getting more and more frustrated and distant from them.

In my last job I spent every day in all-consuming anxiety.
When I left, a year ago, several people said to me that I'd always struck them as so calm, collected and relaxed. It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard, but it showed that the 'front' of coolness that I'd projected to protect me from them had worked a treat.
I wish I'd been myself more. I keep everyone at arms length. To paraphrase someone on here's signature:
"Be yourself, in any way you can."

 

[Guest]

Hey Stan, I can really relate so much to that!! People seem to think I'm really confident and sorted and someone that is so much themselves. People have said they see as someone set to succeed, this is sooo ridiculous to me, do they really believe the facade?. I don't know how people can't see that there's something else going on. Yet at the same time I'm scared they will.