TRIGGER WARNING STRONG RECOVERED MINDS ONLY
Ever since dp dr I still question so much , I feel sketched about free will as in yes I make my own decisions and thoughts but do I? I believe in God but if God "created me" I technically did not have a say in who I was .. my ideas and what I like.. is it what I like like? Or is my brain just made like that. Because I could've been born liking what you like.. I could've been even been born with psycopathic temdencies and had no say in it . Who am I why why why I could've been an animal what's even the difference and do I even have free will please tell me yes but make it convincing ...
You do have free will, and I can give you a flavor of the arguments from both naturalistic/atheist and theistic perspectives. (I won't go into too much detail, because I suspect it could be triggering.)
In the naturalistic view, the universe seems to be something like a machine and, according to current scientific understanding, everything is ultimately probabilistic: partially determined causally according to physical laws and necessary logical/mathematical principles, but fundamentally random and non-deterministic at the quantum level. According to this view, the intuitive, "naive" notion of absolute free will is incoherent and nonsensical since absolute randomness is free but it isn't directed conscious will, and causality isn't free.
However, this concept of free will can be, and has been, made consistent and coherent, and usefully re-defined such that its reality is obvious. And there are even many such definitions that you are free to choose from!
In essence, and to use a metaphor, I would say that it is delusional to feel you are being determined and defined (inside and out) by nature because you are not just like a ball being tossed about on a wave: you are literally a PART of the wave itself.
You are in fact so free that you can choose to accept or reject free will, and that belief in free will is not separate from who you are, for choosing to believe you have no free will would profoundly transform your sense of self, your thinking, and your behavior.
In the theistic view, there is a God who transcends existence and the limits of human conception. (Any other "god" has no philosophical significance and is undeserving of the name.) For God, all things are possible since God, as creator of existence, precedes everything. His reality is what you might term pre-rational. Free will in the absolute sense, despite our not being able to know how it is possible, is real, and your deepest intuition here is not mistaken. Free will is our greatest gift and without it (or, what amounts to the same thing, if we deny or refuse to exercise it), we would be nothing but God's wind-up toys.
Both extreme freedom and extreme necessity can be terrifying and paralyzing, not just the latter as you found. You can lose yourself if you have too much of one or the other. However, we should remember that we have both and not let our thoughts become unbalanced. Our self is found in the tension and balance between them. (And not just freedom and necessity, but the temporal and eternal, the finite and the infinite, etc.)
Soren Kierkegaard (the 19th century Danish theologian and first existentialist philosopher), wrote a lot on this. His remedy for forms of despair such as you feel is faith, which he defines:
This then is the formula which describes the state of the self when despair is completely eradicated: in relating to itself and in wanting to be itself, the self is grounded transparently in the Power that established it.
This works even if you understand that power as God, the Tao, your highest self, or a logical principle. You don't even have to name that power, but however abstract or formless it is, you must have faith in it. The alternative is despair, whether conscious or unconscious.
EDIT: Kierkegaard can be a very tough read. (For example, "the self relating to itself" is spirit or self-consciousness. Elsewhere, you would come across "the relation's relating to itself" which is the self, where the relation is the tension between opposed ideas such as freedom and necessity, temporal and eternal, etc.) The Hubert Dreyfus lectures on Kierkegaard (on YouTube) are a good introduction.
