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I am sorry if I am annoying people with all of these posts. But I mean we have nothing to loose, life can't be much worse than this so why not ?

I have felt a huge relief in just talking about what's on my mind. I don't know exactly if these things are going to help anyone nor myself but it doesn't hurt to try. I think we all have to start by making sense of our own lifes, and try to formulate and think our own thoughts. Because as of right now for me at least it does not feel like I am the person doing it.

I think we actually have to want to be us to recover. It's probably so much easier for us to live with dp than without for several reasons. And we have to find those reasons why we are still in this state of mind. Which is very difficult. I know for me at least if I don't do anything this shit is not gonna leave me alone.

I looked at myself in the mirror today, not really recognizing myself. I said to myself that this is bullshit, but it is still hard to say things to yourself because there is no self, not really feel like me saying it and meaning it. What is so weird about this is that I have a feeling of not even being aloud to be myself. Life seems so complex with this constant weird feeling. There is a reason we are disconnected from our lives. I have always been a small person, quite shy at times. I have felt like I had a very different personality from people around me at times, felt excluded. Being the small person and always being the one listening and not participating in a group. I wanted to be assertive, be like the other people around me. I remember feeling a huge urge to change whenever I was in a situation where everyone around me where talking and I did not feel like I was confident good enough to join. I remember trying so hard to work on being a better speaker more confident so that I could feel good enough to join the conversation in those situations. I analysed how people behaved, spoke. Tried to train myself in situations where I felt safe. Always tried to remember what I said when I felt like I managed to handle a social situation well so that I could do the same in situations where I was scared. So most of my time I was just analyzing and overthinking about everything. Suddenly I felt like it clicked I had become the person that I wanted to become, saying things in a way that I felt was good enough where i felt like I could handle any social situation. But the same problems came up over and over again. The problem was that I just was not focused on my needs and I was not just being a normal person. I just disconnected from everything about myself and had become a person that I finally liked. And in reality people where just being themselves whereas I felt like everyone was doing the same thing as me and controlling everything and had trained their personality to be a certain way. So i always post-poned things and never really dared to be here until I felt like I had a strong enough personality. Before saying something I always planned what I was gonna say. Before telling a story I always made sure I knew exactly what I was gonna say before I said it. It became exhausting to just be here. Always on hyperalert around other people making sure I was the person that I wanted to be and that I never said something wrong or embarrassed myself. . So the problem is right in front of my eyes honestly. Not daring to be here because I feel like myself is not good enough. With some people I talked a lot and with other people I did not. Talked a lot with people I felt like I was stronger then and with weird people. And people I saw as normal I did not say to much. Because I was afraid the would figure out something was wrong with me. I had so much shame in reality and was very shame based. So in social situation I never really talked just to have a normal conversation about something I was interested in but it was more like me trying to become the person that I wanted to become. In these past days I have tried to show more of myself, stuttering saying eeeehhh, started by saying something and then not knowing what I was gonna say, pronouncing words wrong, building confidence in myself that I will be able to just handle the situation. tried to become comfortable with being me and being present. And everything is okay even if I don't control everyhing. I think seeing things for what they really are and accepting things about yourself that are true about yourself is important in the process of recovering. I saw myself as so much better than I actually was. Admit your anxiety if you have any, admit that you are scared, say that you don't feel confident, that you are scared. I wanted to fight against all these things but it is so much easier to just admit it and talk to a very close friend or family about it and start building a secure base and showing your true self to the word. For instance I was at a friend's place and I said to my sister that I was a bit scared and had a lot of anxiety and we talked about it and I felt so much more safe and relaxed because I knew I had a safe base I could go to. But I mean everything is hard with dp. You don't know what you are feeling. It does not feel like there is a person inside you that you have to take care of. It is impossible to know what you have to do to feel safe. So you have to think like when would the previous me feel safe. But to much thinking ain't good and it just so frustrating.

Yea I don't know if anything will resonate with anyone and I am not really a writer.
 

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I actually think this is a great start! By admitting your anxieties / your insecurities and even telling others " I am very anxious" right now you create a great compassionate space. I think you are on the right track. Admitting your insecurities/ problems with self worth while being totally OK with what you are is a great way for gaining confidence in your "true self". Keep going mate, you are so worth it!

Love and hugs from Germany
 
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