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Sometimes I have childhood memories and think, "wow, I wasn't like this back then, in fact I KNOW I wasn't. But what if I really don't exist and I'm just all in my mind. And my childhood was a lie!" Then I start pondering and I get worse. BUT I reassure myself, I was not like this 17 years of my life, so there is hope, I've only been like this for almost two months. I've had a horrific traumatic Marijuana trip and I will snap out of this, I can't be like this forever. This WILL go away. I know it will, I don't feel like it but I have to believe it! Then that's when the confidence hits, and I want to do what I want and say Fuck you Dp/Dr! I will live my life the way I want. But what most people don't realize is for a few minutes, you were actually snapped out of it for just a few seconds or minutes then your mind has that "Uh-oh. Defense mechanism, in action!" and your thinking ABBORT, ABBORT, ABBORT!!! But it fails and your brain shuts down, brain fog and horrific insane thoughts hit you again, and you can't remember where you are, Who are you? What time is it? What day and year it is, but really it's just the anxiety taking over again and you freak out and have these outrageous thoughts! Now, I know it is hard to stop these. It is like I'm so close yet so far away from getting rid of this. I can feel it. I'm trapped in the middle. Like, for instance, a candy bar across the kitchen. Now, you have just stepped in the kitchen and you want that candy bar, so you hold out your arm reaching for the candy bar trying to use the force, hoping it will come to you. This is how dealing with reality is. The reality is the candy bar and you are the force. And obviously you fail. BUT you know, you can walk, and walking is confidence, so walk your force to the candy bar, wise Jedi. There is hope, you just have to give it time. ANd strongly belive you CAN do this!:)
 
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