I'm really only responding to the first post. Thanks for messing with my mind and getting me to read on :wink:
I relate with your self-destructiveness. I also do it on a regular basis. I think I'm an extremely productive person. When I'm in a "good" phase, that means I work alot toward positive things. When I'm in a "bad" phase I'll work hard too, toward making it worse. Really, it may just be a problem of too much energy (kidding of course).
I'll drink every day for a month. I drink with the purpose of getting drunk (I posted in the "DP stories" board section a poem on this particular subject if you are interested). I switch kinds of alcohol alot. Sometimes I wine-binged, sometimes beer binge, and only when I go out do I hard-liquor binge, which only happens in really disconected-with-the-world times.
I also wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic. I will spend long stretches of time without drinking at all... during the "good" phases. Like everything else in my life, I shuffle from side to side. There is never a middle, just two extremes.
I often wonder which preceeds which. Does the feeling of disconnectedness come first, and thus lead me to alcohol. Or is it the other way around. I think the feeling comes first and I'm just looking for a way to block it.
If it's not alcohol it will be pot. Again, I'll spend days smoking all day, and then stop altogether, in regular intervals. Sometimes I wonder if bipolar doesn't really apply to me. Doctors have suggested it before, but I don't read myself in the description of all the symptoms. The only thing that really points to bipolar is the cycling aspect of my behavior. I've discovered more and more that I can't recall experiences from one phase when I'm in another. A weird form of amnesia.
There's also the food issue, but not in excess. When I decide to let that self-destructive aspect of myself come out, I can easily loose alot of weight, to the point that it is noticeable to others. I stop eating with the goal of destruction in mind. This always goes along with alcohol or pot. It's a very bad mix. That kind of food-control + alcohol only happens about once a year. Thankfully.
I really don't feel I am dependent to drugs or alcohol. I feel I'm incapable of feeling (again, refer to the poem I wrote). Like Sebastien said, the point seems to be to self-destruct. And the weird thing about it is that you are conscious of that goal. I drink, smoke, restrict my diet to numb out feeling. When you don't eat much you don't do much, you don't participate in life as you would. With alcohol or drugs you really disconnect. That is why I do it. I know it's awful for me but it's something that seems beyond my control. Since I'm not going to take meds for it, whatever it is, I'll have to figure other ways.
And then, when I'm not drinking or doing anything else bad to myself, I lead a normal life. I'd say my adulthood has been evenly divided between good and bad phases. Hard to classify someone as an addict when most of the time he/she has things under control, and does not think at all about numbing feelings out.
Nancy
I relate with your self-destructiveness. I also do it on a regular basis. I think I'm an extremely productive person. When I'm in a "good" phase, that means I work alot toward positive things. When I'm in a "bad" phase I'll work hard too, toward making it worse. Really, it may just be a problem of too much energy (kidding of course).
I'll drink every day for a month. I drink with the purpose of getting drunk (I posted in the "DP stories" board section a poem on this particular subject if you are interested). I switch kinds of alcohol alot. Sometimes I wine-binged, sometimes beer binge, and only when I go out do I hard-liquor binge, which only happens in really disconected-with-the-world times.
I also wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic. I will spend long stretches of time without drinking at all... during the "good" phases. Like everything else in my life, I shuffle from side to side. There is never a middle, just two extremes.
I often wonder which preceeds which. Does the feeling of disconnectedness come first, and thus lead me to alcohol. Or is it the other way around. I think the feeling comes first and I'm just looking for a way to block it.
If it's not alcohol it will be pot. Again, I'll spend days smoking all day, and then stop altogether, in regular intervals. Sometimes I wonder if bipolar doesn't really apply to me. Doctors have suggested it before, but I don't read myself in the description of all the symptoms. The only thing that really points to bipolar is the cycling aspect of my behavior. I've discovered more and more that I can't recall experiences from one phase when I'm in another. A weird form of amnesia.
There's also the food issue, but not in excess. When I decide to let that self-destructive aspect of myself come out, I can easily loose alot of weight, to the point that it is noticeable to others. I stop eating with the goal of destruction in mind. This always goes along with alcohol or pot. It's a very bad mix. That kind of food-control + alcohol only happens about once a year. Thankfully.
I really don't feel I am dependent to drugs or alcohol. I feel I'm incapable of feeling (again, refer to the poem I wrote). Like Sebastien said, the point seems to be to self-destruct. And the weird thing about it is that you are conscious of that goal. I drink, smoke, restrict my diet to numb out feeling. When you don't eat much you don't do much, you don't participate in life as you would. With alcohol or drugs you really disconnect. That is why I do it. I know it's awful for me but it's something that seems beyond my control. Since I'm not going to take meds for it, whatever it is, I'll have to figure other ways.
And then, when I'm not drinking or doing anything else bad to myself, I lead a normal life. I'd say my adulthood has been evenly divided between good and bad phases. Hard to classify someone as an addict when most of the time he/she has things under control, and does not think at all about numbing feelings out.
Nancy
