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Confessions of a SEX junkie

3361 Views 27 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  sebastian
Okay, take SEX out of the subject heading and replace it with "masochism", "self-destruction", or something else along those lines. You see, "Confessions of a self-destruction junkie" just doesn't have a snappy ring to it. Nor does it have that sensationalistic swagger. I needed to get you here to read what i wanted to say, and thus i needed a grabber for my subject heading. Sorry. Didn't mean to manipulate your limbic system or anything, but that's the way these things are done. But here you are! Bravo! And since you've already read this much, you might as well read the rest. 'Twon't be long...

After quite some time analyzing oneself, one can arrive at a few immutable truths. I've found out some things about me these last few weeks, and while i suppose i've always been aware of them on some level, realizing it in all it's logical lustre certainly gives one a new perspective on one's own psychology. I have noticed that i am, without doubt, a Destruction Junkie. Let me explain a little of what i mean...

For as long as i can remember i have wantonly craven the excesses of life. I have never been satisfied with just a little of anything. How do i express this without making it sound like a virtue?

I drink a lot. Like, really, quite a helluva lot. Ever since i was 19, i've drank excessively. And i don't mean "excessively" by the standards of medical doctors or a similarly stodgy perspective. I mean like if i was on a barge with some Irish sailors, they'd probably have an "intervention" to try to get me to slow down. I don't keep a flask at my work or anything (although now that i think of it, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea), and i don't drink "excessively" every night (although there is rarely a night that will go by when i won't indulge in an aperetif or two...or three). But when the weekends come around, i drink like Dean Martin at a Vegas strip club. I'm never satisfied with "getting drunk". I seem to want to achieve alcholic oblivion every time i go out, and often succeed in doing so. I've been sick this week, so i didn't go out last night, but even staying at home i managed to polish off a 1.5 litre bottle of wine. I went to bed at about 5:30, but then sprung out of bed at 10. It's like my body just says, "Oh what's the point in making him sick, he's just going to do the same thing tomorrow, might as well get an early start."

I guess that all sounds rather frightful. Strangely, i wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic. I don't NEED to drink. I just enjoy it a lot. But my point here isn't specific to is the excess of it that i'm alluding to. Another example:

I gamble. Quite a bit. I've recently discovered the joyous world of online poker. I've blown a couple of grand over the span of a month. And it's strange too. It's not that i'm a bad player. I'm actually quite good. The problem is that if i win, i'll just gamble more and more money. There is no ceiling too high. I suspect that if i won a million dollars on a lottery ticket, i'd gamble to make it two million. It's absurd. I'm like Philip Seymour Hoffman in that Owning Mahoney movie. I'd reckon that throughout my life i've lost close to $50,000 gambling in some form or another. And yet, i wouldn't consider myself a gambling addict. I never spend more money then i can afford. I can go extraordinarily long periods without gambling. And I really could stop anytime i wanted to. Again, the problem is with the excess. It's almost like i WANT to lose, if that makes sense. If i'm up, i'll keep gambling until i lose.

Smoking. I don't smoke anymore, but i did for a long time, and let's face it, it truly is a ridiculously self-destructive habit.

Eating. I love food. Thankfully, i have a metabolism that works extra fast so i'm not yet obese. However, i'm not exactly washboard stomach man these days either. The thing is, i will gorge myself on food. I'll eat until i'm completely stuffed. Instead of eating dinner and feeling comfortably full, i'll order another round until i can't eat another bite, much like that guy in Monty Python's Meaning of Life.

Relationships. I am simply never satisfied. And it's so stupid because i should feel lucky to get just about any girl, let alone the fastidious standards i've set the bar at. Every relationship i enter into is doomed from the start because i will immediately go into sabotage mode, ultimately undermining any chance of happiness i could have had. It makes me want to weep when i think of the chances i've had in the past to really get intimate with a woman. I've had a few long term relationships but i sabotaged those as well, or i was just outright rejected.

Basically it's this: Any time things are going well in my life, it's like a part of me is looking for a way to make me fail. It makes so sense. If i'm drinking, i want to pass out. If i'm gambling, I want to lose. If i'm in a relationship, I want it to end badly. If things are going well in my life, if i've got a good job, enjoying my interests, etc. I will find a way to make things go wrong. Paint myself into a corner. It happens time and time again. It really does. And i just don't understand it.

I think this has a lot to do with my DP. I think it's caused by anxiety and this personality conflict. I guess part of me is somewhat relieved at all of this because to know that DP is based on a personality disorder, rather than something biological, i think gives us all a beacon of hope. We can change it if we really have the will to do so. But changing one's personality after decades of indoctrination, is damn near impossible. How is this done? And can any of you relate to any of this?


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To Wendy and Dreamer,

If someone you loved needed you to be there for them right now, could you ?

Dreamer, my friend, I know you would be there for someone else.

I want to be needed too. I feel I can climb a snow covered mountain with a raincoat and a pair of flipflops on if someone needs my help. And yet, I can't get out of the bed some days because there is nothing for me.

What are we to do about this? How can we find energy and life to save others but not ourselves?

I feel sorry for you and me both. If I could get to you, I'd get out of my jammies right now, come to your place and throw myself in to helping you move and get things in order and make you laugh. I truly feel I could gather that kind of energy. And I would feel good for that moment in time.

Help me learn not to just love and help others but love and help myself...amen.

Smile sweetie, at least you're younger than me. :wink:

Love to you,

Shelly, you always have excellant post, Mate.
Wendy, I've sent you an email.
Sebastian...that was a dirty trick using the S word to get me to look. :lol:
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Oh yeah! P.S. like the Hairball :shock: always has to do. :wink:

Dreamer, I know what I said is old, old hat to you, but worth mentioning out loud now and again.

Now, I'm finished. lol.
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