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Confessions of a SEX junkie

3349 Views 27 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  sebastian
Okay, take SEX out of the subject heading and replace it with "masochism", "self-destruction", or something else along those lines. You see, "Confessions of a self-destruction junkie" just doesn't have a snappy ring to it. Nor does it have that sensationalistic swagger. I needed to get you here to read what i wanted to say, and thus i needed a grabber for my subject heading. Sorry. Didn't mean to manipulate your limbic system or anything, but that's the way these things are done. But here you are! Bravo! And since you've already read this much, you might as well read the rest. 'Twon't be long...

After quite some time analyzing oneself, one can arrive at a few immutable truths. I've found out some things about me these last few weeks, and while i suppose i've always been aware of them on some level, realizing it in all it's logical lustre certainly gives one a new perspective on one's own psychology. I have noticed that i am, without doubt, a Destruction Junkie. Let me explain a little of what i mean...

For as long as i can remember i have wantonly craven the excesses of life. I have never been satisfied with just a little of anything. How do i express this without making it sound like a virtue?

I drink a lot. Like, really, quite a helluva lot. Ever since i was 19, i've drank excessively. And i don't mean "excessively" by the standards of medical doctors or a similarly stodgy perspective. I mean like if i was on a barge with some Irish sailors, they'd probably have an "intervention" to try to get me to slow down. I don't keep a flask at my work or anything (although now that i think of it, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea), and i don't drink "excessively" every night (although there is rarely a night that will go by when i won't indulge in an aperetif or two...or three). But when the weekends come around, i drink like Dean Martin at a Vegas strip club. I'm never satisfied with "getting drunk". I seem to want to achieve alcholic oblivion every time i go out, and often succeed in doing so. I've been sick this week, so i didn't go out last night, but even staying at home i managed to polish off a 1.5 litre bottle of wine. I went to bed at about 5:30, but then sprung out of bed at 10. It's like my body just says, "Oh what's the point in making him sick, he's just going to do the same thing tomorrow, might as well get an early start."

I guess that all sounds rather frightful. Strangely, i wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic. I don't NEED to drink. I just enjoy it a lot. But my point here isn't specific to is the excess of it that i'm alluding to. Another example:

I gamble. Quite a bit. I've recently discovered the joyous world of online poker. I've blown a couple of grand over the span of a month. And it's strange too. It's not that i'm a bad player. I'm actually quite good. The problem is that if i win, i'll just gamble more and more money. There is no ceiling too high. I suspect that if i won a million dollars on a lottery ticket, i'd gamble to make it two million. It's absurd. I'm like Philip Seymour Hoffman in that Owning Mahoney movie. I'd reckon that throughout my life i've lost close to $50,000 gambling in some form or another. And yet, i wouldn't consider myself a gambling addict. I never spend more money then i can afford. I can go extraordinarily long periods without gambling. And I really could stop anytime i wanted to. Again, the problem is with the excess. It's almost like i WANT to lose, if that makes sense. If i'm up, i'll keep gambling until i lose.

Smoking. I don't smoke anymore, but i did for a long time, and let's face it, it truly is a ridiculously self-destructive habit.

Eating. I love food. Thankfully, i have a metabolism that works extra fast so i'm not yet obese. However, i'm not exactly washboard stomach man these days either. The thing is, i will gorge myself on food. I'll eat until i'm completely stuffed. Instead of eating dinner and feeling comfortably full, i'll order another round until i can't eat another bite, much like that guy in Monty Python's Meaning of Life.

Relationships. I am simply never satisfied. And it's so stupid because i should feel lucky to get just about any girl, let alone the fastidious standards i've set the bar at. Every relationship i enter into is doomed from the start because i will immediately go into sabotage mode, ultimately undermining any chance of happiness i could have had. It makes me want to weep when i think of the chances i've had in the past to really get intimate with a woman. I've had a few long term relationships but i sabotaged those as well, or i was just outright rejected.

Basically it's this: Any time things are going well in my life, it's like a part of me is looking for a way to make me fail. It makes so sense. If i'm drinking, i want to pass out. If i'm gambling, I want to lose. If i'm in a relationship, I want it to end badly. If things are going well in my life, if i've got a good job, enjoying my interests, etc. I will find a way to make things go wrong. Paint myself into a corner. It happens time and time again. It really does. And i just don't understand it.

I think this has a lot to do with my DP. I think it's caused by anxiety and this personality conflict. I guess part of me is somewhat relieved at all of this because to know that DP is based on a personality disorder, rather than something biological, i think gives us all a beacon of hope. We can change it if we really have the will to do so. But changing one's personality after decades of indoctrination, is damn near impossible. How is this done? And can any of you relate to any of this?


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Thanks for the responses all, and the advice as well. Some of it was right on the money.

I think what's interesting about this though is that i'm able to actually dissect my personality to the point where i can see that this causes this, that causes that, etc. Alas, i'm still far from being able to modify these personality defects in a way that will effect change.

I can see that the DP is caused as an outgrowth of my obsessive anxiety. I can see that the obsessive anxiety is an outgrowth of my personality type. And I can see that my personality type is effected, in a reciprocal way, by the things i do...actions i take...negative emotions i perpetuate by doing these things.

And it all boils down to the naked truth about it all, which is that i have problems dealing with (as Person said), control. Control over myself, over others, over my destiny, etc. This single aspect of my personality is, i suspect, effecting all the others in immeasurably detrimental ways, which manifests itself in the behaviours aforementioned. Ultimately, i assume, it's that atavistic fear of the unknown...of death. Everything else is really just a microcosm of that fear.

I guess the question is though, if i know this, how can i change? It seems such an arduous task. I've tried to change my behaviour soooo many times before and i always end up back in the same place. I really think though, that if my personality can change, if my actions become more positive, then the anxiety will subside, and the DP will vanish. Is this a reasonable assumption? I've had the DP go away for very long periods of time just by forgetting about it, relaxing, doing other things. If you rip out the foundation, does the whole dp house collapse?

DREAMER: I quite enjoyed that film as well, and yes i saw a lot of myself in it. Not so much in the sense that i was filling a void in my life. I mean, i don't think i'd put gambling at a 10 and the rest of my life at a 2, but definitely the compulsion part of it. My favourite scene in that movie, and i think one that typifies the whole illness, is when he's at the casino, and he's actually up something like 7 million dollars! He now has the money to pay off the enormous debt he had dug himself into. He even has a few million of his own to spare, where he could quit his boring job, hop on a plane with his wife (who i felt horribly sorry for, i might add), and go island hopping the rest of his life. And yet what does he do??? He keeps gambling!!! And it's funny because John Hurt's character, the casino boss, knows him so well, and he says something like, "Don't worry. He has to lose all."

I identify with that quite a bit. Of course, in my case, it happened on a much smaller scale. I was up about $6,000 when i had just gotten my student loans, and i would have been set up for the entire year. And set up in style at that. I had the student loan money plus this $6,000 that i'd won at blackjack over the span of a week. I even had a job at this point as well, and so i was just flush with cash while the rest of my friends were struggling to find beer money. But did i stop? Did i tuck the money away for later? Did i have one big party to be remembered for generations of university students to come? God No. I marched back to that casino again and again until i lost every dime. Not only did i lose the $6,000 i'd lost, but i flushed out most of my student loans in the process. It was horrible. I'll never forget that night.

But yes, i very much so identified with Mahoney. Another bit i liked in that movie was how the casino boss had that janitor or whatever he was, hang out with him, just because Mahoney happened to eat some of his ribs that time. Hilarious. That's a true story, in case you didn't know. Poor schmuck.
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mrmole said:
ashesinwinter said:
Dreamer said:
Firstly, I find it fascinating how many MEN on this board ...
Just so you know, I am female....
Didn't know that. :shock:
Then this is REALLY gonna shock is a snapshot of me coming out of the shower...

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Dreamer and Wendy, i'm sorry to hear you're both feeling especially down these days. I'd love to say something inspiring or helpful but i'm too drained right now to write much of anything. In any case, i'm positive you'll come around, as i'm sure you both are as well. It's amazing the resilience we all seem to have. We just keep bouncing back for more, stronger each time. I was in a very bad state a few weeks ago...just feeling incomporably depersonalized. Hard to explain can there be degrees of something of which one either is or isn't. But there are. And it was really bad. And these days i'm feeling all right. Extremely busy but feeling quite real. You'll both be back in the ring in no time. In fact, you're probably already there.

Shelly, I think you're right on the money with the addictive-personality suggestion. I was cringing as i was reading that thinking..."Yeah, that's me. Okay. Right. That's me." etc. Anyway, thanks.

And thanks all who wrote and contributed. It's interaction like this that keeps us fighting this monstrosity instead of analyzing it in a vacuum, which is hugely dangerous.

I've just kind of realized that this post is quite lacking. I'm sorry, but i'm exhausted and i've got to do a seminar tomorrow and have no idea what i'm going to say. Ugh. It's time for bed.

gem said:
If you look at all the posts you can see that we are all there for each other right now. The question was would be there if needed, the answer is yes because one of our own who is suffering needed us and here we are and the posts are growing. I think that is beautiful. I think all of us here are very kind and caring people.
You said it, Gem...
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