Thanks for the responses all, and the advice as well. Some of it was right on the money.
I think what's interesting about this though is that i'm able to actually dissect my personality to the point where i can see that this causes this, that causes that, etc. Alas, i'm still far from being able to modify these personality defects in a way that will effect change.
I can see that the DP is caused as an outgrowth of my obsessive anxiety. I can see that the obsessive anxiety is an outgrowth of my personality type. And I can see that my personality type is effected, in a reciprocal way, by the things i do...actions i take...negative emotions i perpetuate by doing these things.
And it all boils down to the naked truth about it all, which is that i have problems dealing with (as Person said), control. Control over myself, over others, over my destiny, etc. This single aspect of my personality is, i suspect, effecting all the others in immeasurably detrimental ways, which manifests itself in the behaviours aforementioned. Ultimately, i assume, it's that atavistic fear of the unknown...of death. Everything else is really just a microcosm of that fear.
I guess the question is though, if i know this, how can i change? It seems such an arduous task. I've tried to change my behaviour soooo many times before and i always end up back in the same place. I really think though, that if my personality can change, if my actions become more positive, then the anxiety will subside, and the DP will vanish. Is this a reasonable assumption? I've had the DP go away for very long periods of time just by forgetting about it, relaxing, doing other things. If you rip out the foundation, does the whole dp house collapse?
DREAMER: I quite enjoyed that film as well, and yes i saw a lot of myself in it. Not so much in the sense that i was filling a void in my life. I mean, i don't think i'd put gambling at a 10 and the rest of my life at a 2, but definitely the compulsion part of it. My favourite scene in that movie, and i think one that typifies the whole illness, is when he's at the casino, and he's actually up something like 7 million dollars! He now has the money to pay off the enormous debt he had dug himself into. He even has a few million of his own to spare, where he could quit his boring job, hop on a plane with his wife (who i felt horribly sorry for, i might add), and go island hopping the rest of his life. And yet what does he do??? He keeps gambling!!! And it's funny because John Hurt's character, the casino boss, knows him so well, and he says something like, "Don't worry. He has to lose all."
I identify with that quite a bit. Of course, in my case, it happened on a much smaller scale. I was up about $6,000 when i had just gotten my student loans, and i would have been set up for the entire year. And set up in style at that. I had the student loan money plus this $6,000 that i'd won at blackjack over the span of a week. I even had a job at this point as well, and so i was just flush with cash while the rest of my friends were struggling to find beer money. But did i stop? Did i tuck the money away for later? Did i have one big party to be remembered for generations of university students to come? God No. I marched back to that casino again and again until i lost every dime. Not only did i lose the $6,000 i'd lost, but i flushed out most of my student loans in the process. It was horrible. I'll never forget that night.
But yes, i very much so identified with Mahoney. Another bit i liked in that movie was how the casino boss had that janitor or whatever he was, hang out with him, just because Mahoney happened to eat some of his ribs that time. Hilarious. That's a true story, in case you didn't know. Poor schmuck.
I think what's interesting about this though is that i'm able to actually dissect my personality to the point where i can see that this causes this, that causes that, etc. Alas, i'm still far from being able to modify these personality defects in a way that will effect change.
I can see that the DP is caused as an outgrowth of my obsessive anxiety. I can see that the obsessive anxiety is an outgrowth of my personality type. And I can see that my personality type is effected, in a reciprocal way, by the things i do...actions i take...negative emotions i perpetuate by doing these things.
And it all boils down to the naked truth about it all, which is that i have problems dealing with (as Person said), control. Control over myself, over others, over my destiny, etc. This single aspect of my personality is, i suspect, effecting all the others in immeasurably detrimental ways, which manifests itself in the behaviours aforementioned. Ultimately, i assume, it's that atavistic fear of the unknown...of death. Everything else is really just a microcosm of that fear.
I guess the question is though, if i know this, how can i change? It seems such an arduous task. I've tried to change my behaviour soooo many times before and i always end up back in the same place. I really think though, that if my personality can change, if my actions become more positive, then the anxiety will subside, and the DP will vanish. Is this a reasonable assumption? I've had the DP go away for very long periods of time just by forgetting about it, relaxing, doing other things. If you rip out the foundation, does the whole dp house collapse?
DREAMER: I quite enjoyed that film as well, and yes i saw a lot of myself in it. Not so much in the sense that i was filling a void in my life. I mean, i don't think i'd put gambling at a 10 and the rest of my life at a 2, but definitely the compulsion part of it. My favourite scene in that movie, and i think one that typifies the whole illness, is when he's at the casino, and he's actually up something like 7 million dollars! He now has the money to pay off the enormous debt he had dug himself into. He even has a few million of his own to spare, where he could quit his boring job, hop on a plane with his wife (who i felt horribly sorry for, i might add), and go island hopping the rest of his life. And yet what does he do??? He keeps gambling!!! And it's funny because John Hurt's character, the casino boss, knows him so well, and he says something like, "Don't worry. He has to lose all."
I identify with that quite a bit. Of course, in my case, it happened on a much smaller scale. I was up about $6,000 when i had just gotten my student loans, and i would have been set up for the entire year. And set up in style at that. I had the student loan money plus this $6,000 that i'd won at blackjack over the span of a week. I even had a job at this point as well, and so i was just flush with cash while the rest of my friends were struggling to find beer money. But did i stop? Did i tuck the money away for later? Did i have one big party to be remembered for generations of university students to come? God No. I marched back to that casino again and again until i lost every dime. Not only did i lose the $6,000 i'd lost, but i flushed out most of my student loans in the process. It was horrible. I'll never forget that night.
But yes, i very much so identified with Mahoney. Another bit i liked in that movie was how the casino boss had that janitor or whatever he was, hang out with him, just because Mahoney happened to eat some of his ribs that time. Hilarious. That's a true story, in case you didn't know. Poor schmuck.
