sounds like you're having a form of extreme impatience
you have to do something to excess to block out any sense of ambivalence or even feeling
maybe you don't want to face the feeling of "i don't know, i'm scared, i could lose this good thing" and sit with that.
or you put so MUCH investment into that "good thing" (like the job or relationship) that you cannot possibly AFFORD to lose it unless you destroy it yourself. Maybe this because you are convinced that that particular good thing is the ONE thing you need or the thing that will fulfill you.
And you don't want to feel bad when you don't expect it.
Truth is, we feel good and bad whether good things are happening or not. You can be in a good relationship and feel bad about it or something else and there's nothing wrong with it...happiness is relative. It seems like you're depending on these external things to make you happy. So you try to control them as much as possible.
But the real way to cope with things is to go through them, let them happen, and survive the outcome. not destroy it first or drink it away or control it. You seem very afraid to just let things happen in your life that are out of your control. I hear you there
It seems like you're afraid of living life the way it is supposed to be lived, with its ups and downs and its discomforts; you have to be able to know what you'e going to feel before you feel it, etc.
And don't use time as an excuse not to change your personality. I was as hard-headed at age 19 as some people were at 40 and it had nothing to do with time. Time will only make habits more comfortable and such...but don't hide behind a long-time personality disorder and think that you can't change yourself because of that. You may not WANT to change yourself. But you can.
You may not necessarily be an addict of one substance, but your behaviors seem to follow some traits shared by alcoholics and such...you can go for a long time without a binge (such as gambling) but when you do it you are out of control. And that out of control "you" is probably the part of you that comes out after a long period of too MUCH control.
you have to do something to excess to block out any sense of ambivalence or even feeling
maybe you don't want to face the feeling of "i don't know, i'm scared, i could lose this good thing" and sit with that.
or you put so MUCH investment into that "good thing" (like the job or relationship) that you cannot possibly AFFORD to lose it unless you destroy it yourself. Maybe this because you are convinced that that particular good thing is the ONE thing you need or the thing that will fulfill you.
And you don't want to feel bad when you don't expect it.
Truth is, we feel good and bad whether good things are happening or not. You can be in a good relationship and feel bad about it or something else and there's nothing wrong with it...happiness is relative. It seems like you're depending on these external things to make you happy. So you try to control them as much as possible.
But the real way to cope with things is to go through them, let them happen, and survive the outcome. not destroy it first or drink it away or control it. You seem very afraid to just let things happen in your life that are out of your control. I hear you there
It seems like you're afraid of living life the way it is supposed to be lived, with its ups and downs and its discomforts; you have to be able to know what you'e going to feel before you feel it, etc.
And don't use time as an excuse not to change your personality. I was as hard-headed at age 19 as some people were at 40 and it had nothing to do with time. Time will only make habits more comfortable and such...but don't hide behind a long-time personality disorder and think that you can't change yourself because of that. You may not WANT to change yourself. But you can.
You may not necessarily be an addict of one substance, but your behaviors seem to follow some traits shared by alcoholics and such...you can go for a long time without a binge (such as gambling) but when you do it you are out of control. And that out of control "you" is probably the part of you that comes out after a long period of too MUCH control.
