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Confessions of a SEX junkie

3351 Views 27 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  sebastian
Okay, take SEX out of the subject heading and replace it with "masochism", "self-destruction", or something else along those lines. You see, "Confessions of a self-destruction junkie" just doesn't have a snappy ring to it. Nor does it have that sensationalistic swagger. I needed to get you here to read what i wanted to say, and thus i needed a grabber for my subject heading. Sorry. Didn't mean to manipulate your limbic system or anything, but that's the way these things are done. But here you are! Bravo! And since you've already read this much, you might as well read the rest. 'Twon't be long...

After quite some time analyzing oneself, one can arrive at a few immutable truths. I've found out some things about me these last few weeks, and while i suppose i've always been aware of them on some level, realizing it in all it's logical lustre certainly gives one a new perspective on one's own psychology. I have noticed that i am, without doubt, a Destruction Junkie. Let me explain a little of what i mean...

For as long as i can remember i have wantonly craven the excesses of life. I have never been satisfied with just a little of anything. How do i express this without making it sound like a virtue?

I drink a lot. Like, really, quite a helluva lot. Ever since i was 19, i've drank excessively. And i don't mean "excessively" by the standards of medical doctors or a similarly stodgy perspective. I mean like if i was on a barge with some Irish sailors, they'd probably have an "intervention" to try to get me to slow down. I don't keep a flask at my work or anything (although now that i think of it, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea), and i don't drink "excessively" every night (although there is rarely a night that will go by when i won't indulge in an aperetif or two...or three). But when the weekends come around, i drink like Dean Martin at a Vegas strip club. I'm never satisfied with "getting drunk". I seem to want to achieve alcholic oblivion every time i go out, and often succeed in doing so. I've been sick this week, so i didn't go out last night, but even staying at home i managed to polish off a 1.5 litre bottle of wine. I went to bed at about 5:30, but then sprung out of bed at 10. It's like my body just says, "Oh what's the point in making him sick, he's just going to do the same thing tomorrow, might as well get an early start."

I guess that all sounds rather frightful. Strangely, i wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic. I don't NEED to drink. I just enjoy it a lot. But my point here isn't specific to is the excess of it that i'm alluding to. Another example:

I gamble. Quite a bit. I've recently discovered the joyous world of online poker. I've blown a couple of grand over the span of a month. And it's strange too. It's not that i'm a bad player. I'm actually quite good. The problem is that if i win, i'll just gamble more and more money. There is no ceiling too high. I suspect that if i won a million dollars on a lottery ticket, i'd gamble to make it two million. It's absurd. I'm like Philip Seymour Hoffman in that Owning Mahoney movie. I'd reckon that throughout my life i've lost close to $50,000 gambling in some form or another. And yet, i wouldn't consider myself a gambling addict. I never spend more money then i can afford. I can go extraordinarily long periods without gambling. And I really could stop anytime i wanted to. Again, the problem is with the excess. It's almost like i WANT to lose, if that makes sense. If i'm up, i'll keep gambling until i lose.

Smoking. I don't smoke anymore, but i did for a long time, and let's face it, it truly is a ridiculously self-destructive habit.

Eating. I love food. Thankfully, i have a metabolism that works extra fast so i'm not yet obese. However, i'm not exactly washboard stomach man these days either. The thing is, i will gorge myself on food. I'll eat until i'm completely stuffed. Instead of eating dinner and feeling comfortably full, i'll order another round until i can't eat another bite, much like that guy in Monty Python's Meaning of Life.

Relationships. I am simply never satisfied. And it's so stupid because i should feel lucky to get just about any girl, let alone the fastidious standards i've set the bar at. Every relationship i enter into is doomed from the start because i will immediately go into sabotage mode, ultimately undermining any chance of happiness i could have had. It makes me want to weep when i think of the chances i've had in the past to really get intimate with a woman. I've had a few long term relationships but i sabotaged those as well, or i was just outright rejected.

Basically it's this: Any time things are going well in my life, it's like a part of me is looking for a way to make me fail. It makes so sense. If i'm drinking, i want to pass out. If i'm gambling, I want to lose. If i'm in a relationship, I want it to end badly. If things are going well in my life, if i've got a good job, enjoying my interests, etc. I will find a way to make things go wrong. Paint myself into a corner. It happens time and time again. It really does. And i just don't understand it.

I think this has a lot to do with my DP. I think it's caused by anxiety and this personality conflict. I guess part of me is somewhat relieved at all of this because to know that DP is based on a personality disorder, rather than something biological, i think gives us all a beacon of hope. We can change it if we really have the will to do so. But changing one's personality after decades of indoctrination, is damn near impossible. How is this done? And can any of you relate to any of this?


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sounds like you're having a form of extreme impatience

you have to do something to excess to block out any sense of ambivalence or even feeling

maybe you don't want to face the feeling of "i don't know, i'm scared, i could lose this good thing" and sit with that.

or you put so MUCH investment into that "good thing" (like the job or relationship) that you cannot possibly AFFORD to lose it unless you destroy it yourself. Maybe this because you are convinced that that particular good thing is the ONE thing you need or the thing that will fulfill you.

And you don't want to feel bad when you don't expect it.

Truth is, we feel good and bad whether good things are happening or not. You can be in a good relationship and feel bad about it or something else and there's nothing wrong with it...happiness is relative. It seems like you're depending on these external things to make you happy. So you try to control them as much as possible.

But the real way to cope with things is to go through them, let them happen, and survive the outcome. not destroy it first or drink it away or control it. You seem very afraid to just let things happen in your life that are out of your control. I hear you there :)

It seems like you're afraid of living life the way it is supposed to be lived, with its ups and downs and its discomforts; you have to be able to know what you'e going to feel before you feel it, etc.

And don't use time as an excuse not to change your personality. I was as hard-headed at age 19 as some people were at 40 and it had nothing to do with time. Time will only make habits more comfortable and such...but don't hide behind a long-time personality disorder and think that you can't change yourself because of that. You may not WANT to change yourself. But you can.

You may not necessarily be an addict of one substance, but your behaviors seem to follow some traits shared by alcoholics and can go for a long time without a binge (such as gambling) but when you do it you are out of control. And that out of control "you" is probably the part of you that comes out after a long period of too MUCH control.
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that story about your dad in the operating room kind of reminds me of the movie the cutting edge, where the hockey player is like "you know, I dont think she even enjoys ice skating"

its like a person keeps going, blazing a trail and getting more and more impatient w/those around them because hell it's probably not what they want to do anyway and they're doing it to prove something
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