Dear sebastian,
Since you mentioned one of my favorite films -- Owning Mahowney sp? -- starring one of my favorite actors -- Philip Seymour Hoffman, I have to respond. I am also rather low today. Just can't get going.
Remember in Owning Mahowney at the end, the psychiatrist asked him, "How would you rate how you feel when you gamble, on a scale of 1 to 10?" He said "A 10" (He may have even said "A 20") Then the psychiatrist said, and w/out gambling, your normal life?, I think Mahowney said "A two."
But of course in that film he was arrested for what he had done and had to try to confront all of this. He had destroyed his life, his relationships, lost his job, etc. He said something like, "I guess I'll have to live with a 2." Somthing like that.
Strange, you remind me a bit of our Martin here and of Mahowney. Sort of an "all or nothing" stance on life, but being extremely self-destructive. Losing $50,000 isn't ... well it isn't good. I'm not judging you, but Hell, I could use that for a downpayment on a condo right now, LOL. I'd have a place to live instead of throwing my money away on rent.
It sounds as if you have addictive behavior at minimum. And it seems addictive behavior is like a high that makes up for an internal emptiness like the dude in the film.
My father was a surgeon. But he was also a gambler. Horses, stock market. He also had OCD/hoarder-clutterer, and was basicially an unhappy, anxious man. He was meant to be a bachelor. He married my mother at 50, they had me when he was 53, and she tossed him out the door soon after that. He couldn't handle responsibility. It terrified him.
I'm not sure what would have helped him -- he might have had some response to Zoloft if there had been any in his day (he was born in 1906), but he also didn't believe in psychiatry at all. I also don't know where this came from as he came from a family of 4. His 2 brothers were all fine and successful, and his sister was a regular housewife. To the best of my knowledge, she was "high strung". I never met any of them but one was a playwright, one in the military, and of course my father was a surgeon. But of course, emotional problems can affect anyone, in any profession.
I'm wondering if this isn't sort of a compulsion to either break away from feeling empty? I forgot what you wrote already, as I've seen this pattern in a number of people I've known. An inner sense of ennui, for lack of a better word, or a sense of worthlessness. That film was incredible. Captured the whole thing for me.
Did you connect with the film, or does any of this make sense.
All I know is how unhappy my father was. How he couldn't have normal relationships with people/women -- he was passive/self-conscious, and the "risk taking" I think was a high, and was self-destructive hence proving him right that he was "not a good person."
I didn't know him that well, but at his funeral, many people came. MANY. And what really flipped me out was a woman who came up to me. She said, "20 years ago, I had lung cancer, and your father operated on me. I am alive today because of him, and that's why I came to pay my respects when I saw the obituary."
So many different facets to him. He also was known to throw a fit and fire all the nurses in the operating room if they made a mistake. Real rage that I NEVER saw. He was never angry with me.
Very complex person, as was Mahowney. In certain ways, Mahowney and my father seem very alike.
Do you connect with any of this?
Best,
D
Since you mentioned one of my favorite films -- Owning Mahowney sp? -- starring one of my favorite actors -- Philip Seymour Hoffman, I have to respond. I am also rather low today. Just can't get going.
Remember in Owning Mahowney at the end, the psychiatrist asked him, "How would you rate how you feel when you gamble, on a scale of 1 to 10?" He said "A 10" (He may have even said "A 20") Then the psychiatrist said, and w/out gambling, your normal life?, I think Mahowney said "A two."
But of course in that film he was arrested for what he had done and had to try to confront all of this. He had destroyed his life, his relationships, lost his job, etc. He said something like, "I guess I'll have to live with a 2." Somthing like that.
Strange, you remind me a bit of our Martin here and of Mahowney. Sort of an "all or nothing" stance on life, but being extremely self-destructive. Losing $50,000 isn't ... well it isn't good. I'm not judging you, but Hell, I could use that for a downpayment on a condo right now, LOL. I'd have a place to live instead of throwing my money away on rent.
It sounds as if you have addictive behavior at minimum. And it seems addictive behavior is like a high that makes up for an internal emptiness like the dude in the film.
My father was a surgeon. But he was also a gambler. Horses, stock market. He also had OCD/hoarder-clutterer, and was basicially an unhappy, anxious man. He was meant to be a bachelor. He married my mother at 50, they had me when he was 53, and she tossed him out the door soon after that. He couldn't handle responsibility. It terrified him.
I'm not sure what would have helped him -- he might have had some response to Zoloft if there had been any in his day (he was born in 1906), but he also didn't believe in psychiatry at all. I also don't know where this came from as he came from a family of 4. His 2 brothers were all fine and successful, and his sister was a regular housewife. To the best of my knowledge, she was "high strung". I never met any of them but one was a playwright, one in the military, and of course my father was a surgeon. But of course, emotional problems can affect anyone, in any profession.
I'm wondering if this isn't sort of a compulsion to either break away from feeling empty? I forgot what you wrote already, as I've seen this pattern in a number of people I've known. An inner sense of ennui, for lack of a better word, or a sense of worthlessness. That film was incredible. Captured the whole thing for me.
Did you connect with the film, or does any of this make sense.
All I know is how unhappy my father was. How he couldn't have normal relationships with people/women -- he was passive/self-conscious, and the "risk taking" I think was a high, and was self-destructive hence proving him right that he was "not a good person."
I didn't know him that well, but at his funeral, many people came. MANY. And what really flipped me out was a woman who came up to me. She said, "20 years ago, I had lung cancer, and your father operated on me. I am alive today because of him, and that's why I came to pay my respects when I saw the obituary."
So many different facets to him. He also was known to throw a fit and fire all the nurses in the operating room if they made a mistake. Real rage that I NEVER saw. He was never angry with me.
Very complex person, as was Mahowney. In certain ways, Mahowney and my father seem very alike.
Do you connect with any of this?
Best,
D
