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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,
ive long been suspecting that peoples individual dissociation varies quite a lot within the dpdr community.
Or in other words, dpdr is just an umbrella term.
So i wanted to give you the most accurate description of my dissociation as i can so perhaps some of you can tell me if you relate or not. Because a lot of people ive talked to i feel are experiencing things a little differently.

So, i would put my experience in the DR category as it mainly affects my perception of things other than my sense of self.
It is like my attention is totally fragmented in time, meaning it doesnt fully stay with anything even for a couple seconds as i get "sucked" into my head basically like 10 times a second or something. I cant exactly tell.
While in a way thats the normal ordinary mind, its also like these tiny spacing out moments pull me way DEEPER than it would for a healthy person.
Essentially permanent tiny daydreams that happen SO FAST that i cant even tell what im thinking about but im also NOT AT ALL in the present moment.
The more stressed i am, the faster AND deeper this happens, eventually to a point where i feel like im in a complete coma/ experiencing absolutely nothing other than the insane internal physical agitation/nervous energy that always accompanies this.
You could also call it a RACING mind with every thought pulling me so deep( like they would in an ordinary nice little daydream) that i become unconscious of the outside world.
And with this happening SO FAST it feels like im teleporting from second to second.
There is no continuity at all, which makes it impossible to enjoy anything plus ofc the horrible agitation/anxiety i mentioned.
I think that is the best way i can describe it.

Now, not actually surprisingly ive found meditation to be the ONLY thing thats ever really helped me with that, as it trains the mind to do the exaxct opposite of what i described.
Im also not quite sure which comes first, the physical stress or the fragmented attention.
Bit of a chicken and the egg scenario.
But i actually think its the attention issue thats the main driver of my physical discomfort.
I think that because none of the physical interventions like progressive muscle relaxation, running, TRE, etc. really help much at all.
But making an effort to focus my attention does and it also lowers the physical stress.
(whenever i manage to do so which is rather rare, hyperawareness obsessions etc. make it quite hard and i have to be "relatively calm" to begin with)

Im certainly a highly sensory person in terms of sensory overload. The more shit happening around me the worse this all gets.

Anyways, does someone relate to what i described?
 

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Can't say that I relate. But I agree totally with the first thing you said about DP/DR being an umbrella term. We're all on some kind of spectrum, each experiencing perhaps our own unique version of dissociation and disorder. The funny thing is that we use the same words to describe different experiences.

So I've heard of somebody describing their DP/DR experience as a constant jackhammer in the mind. This person feels no relief and has had it for over 10+ years. Though different from you in that they find no help with meditation. But it sounded similar to your attention problem.

You seem to know what helps and what does not. So I'd advise of course to continue your meditations. Hopefully also you find somebody here that relates.
 

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I relate to this, highly. Infact this IS my issue. I often don’t feel like I’m present at all, and when I don’t, I can’t even tell what I am thinking about. But that’s the thing. When we are trying to find out what we are thinking about, that’s what we are thinking, so it seems like we are thinking about nothing. You’re searching for your mind (sanity), and that’s where your energy is going. You never lost it at all, there is no tiny permanent daydreams. This happens once we become aware of whatever it is that’s sets our minds down this path of insanity. There’s a song called the Dive by Eyedea. He talks about this.
“The puzzle's alive, and it changes as you try to escape it, It created time and made it appear to pass by. You don't know what you think. You don't think what you know. You're a total lunatic, and afraid it's starting to show”

i would like to note that I struggle with this too still. Even though I think I have the answer, I still get obsessed with this mind metacognition issue. The best thing you can do is drop the theories, and know that you never lost it at all. Dive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I relate to this, highly. Infact this IS my issue. I often don’t feel like I’m present at all, and when I don’t, I can’t even tell what I am thinking about. But that’s the thing. When we are trying to find out what we are thinking about, that’s what we are thinking, so it seems like we are thinking about nothing. You’re searching for your mind (sanity), and that’s where your energy is going. You never lost it at all, there is no tiny permanent daydreams. This happens once we become aware of whatever it is that’s sets our minds down this path of insanity. There’s a song called the Dive by Eyedea. He talks about this.
“The puzzle's alive, and it changes as you try to escape it, It created time and made it appear to pass by. You don't know what you think. You don't think what you know. You're a total lunatic, and afraid it's starting to show”

i would like to note that I struggle with this too still. Even though I think I have the answer, I still get obsessed with this mind metacognition issue. The best thing you can do is drop the theories, and know that you never lost it at all. Dive.
Haha i know that song, the album is fantastic!
Yea part of it is the constant hyper/meta awareness. Thats definitely true and why obsession makes things so much worse.
When people say " when i think about it it gets worse" i believe thats because being aware of something like your perception or how present you are automatically gets you into the hyper/meta awareness loop.

But that being said, it seems like there is also some neurological thing going on with me where my brain does this automatically in the face of stress. And it sucks at dealing with a lot of sensory input.
I once had a quantitative eeg done, and it showed unusually high theta in the frontal right area, which they said is an adhd pattern.
Interestingly enough, i got tested for adhd and i dont have it lol.
Because i dont usually get lost in some mind stories and forget what im doing, but i shift back and forth so fast, that i can function fine, but i dont feel present.
just a theory tho not entirely sure
 
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