[lone wolf]

I am curious to know, are there any people in this message board who have had DR 24/7 for a long time, I mean more than five years - and still have been able to get rid of it somehow.

Indeed I'd be delighted if there were anyone who has conquered this mental phenomenon without any therapy, cuz now I am trying therapy the second time in my life, and it feels as useless as before - the therapist is just so clueless and I feel learning nothing about myself in the sessions. :?

I don't suffer from obsessive thinking, nor I have "visible" anxiety (but maybe hidden), but I have had chronic DR 24/7 for fifteen years now. I have learned to live with DR, and currently I do not think it will ever go away, but what if...

If there were any people who have had DR (or DP) as long as I have, and still they would have been able to conquer it somehow - this would be so good news for me. So if you are like that, I hope you would reply - lots of thanks!

 

[g-funk]

Do you have any idea why it started 15 years ago? Just curious!

 

[lone wolf]

Do you have any idea why it started 15 years ago? Just curious!

I have a theory for the causes of my DR, but am not sure about it though... When I was fourteen, there were mornings when I felt I hadn't woken up exactly, but would still be in the dream or inside glass walls. First times I could be sure that next morning I would be okay again, but for some reason DR became chronic in autumn 1989.

I have thought maybe it happened, cuz at the same time I lost my last friend at school, who also started look down on me like the other pupils in our class. I also have a background of mother's alcohol abuse, while I was very young (6-9-year-old), and that may have affected negatively too, cuz at that time I learned not to trust anyone. So the disparage during my teenage years made me isolate from other teenagers, and I had even more reasons not to trust anyone. I ended up having a very low self-esteem, seeing myself worthless. I guess DR might be the result of all those things combined together, and bc all of those negative things in my life I wasn't able to endure the reality without DR anymore. At least that's a good guess.

One thing more - there were a short period during the age fourteen, while I dressed very provocatively and used very strong make-up. It was my try to get respect from others, trying to be cool and tough. I stopped dressing like that since I started feeling DR though. A couple of years ago during my PTSD I was introduced to a fourteen-year-old aspect of mine, who was a serious shoplifter and also wanted to do all the things I was interested in during my teenage years (reading natural sciences, especially physics and biology and playing to violin). This alter of mine chose the name Linda for herself, after one famous Finnish Playboy pop violinist. :wink: However, when I started my current medication she went hiding inside, but lately I have been able to regain the contact with her for some short occasions.

I think I may have DDNOS, and my teenage alter Linda is the aspect of myself, who I was while I tried to be a tough girl during my teenage times. I think she went hiding inside me first time, since I started feeling DR, but came back into present, cuz I needed her during my PTSD a few years ago. I wish I could establish a better contact with Linda now, as by doing that I might have a chance to get rid of DR...? I am not sure about this though, but only hopeful.

I have asked about hiding alters in one DID mailing list, and they thought my current antipsychotic medication may affect the co-consciousness with Linda, as I'm currently on Zyprexa 10 mg (with antidepressant Remeron 30 mg). So I've asked can I swich Zyprexa to a better antipsych due to sexual reasons (I feel hardly any sexual desire on Zyprexa), and my psychiatrist agreed with me and prescribed me Risperdal. I'll switch the med after I have used my current stock of Zyprexa - let's see what will happen then...

(My psychiatrist doesn't know about this alter thing though, and I'm pretty sure I will never tell her, cuz dissociative disorders aren't well known in Finland. However, she knows about my past PTSD psychosis and DR. I wish I could tell about Linda to my current therapist, but I'm afraid she won't understand. It is a pity, as in that way I might learn a lot about myself/ves, if I could discuss about alter functions with my therapist. But one cannot have it all... :?)

 

[g-funk]

Just out of curiosity (again) - have you ever had any sleep disorders or night terrors etc? Just that you mention about waking up in a dream like state. The reason I ask is because since being on Efexor, it has brought back the sleeping problems and night terrors I suffered as a child and a couple of times I have woken up out of a night terror and felt that horrible feeling like a night terror, only with more awareness. I was extremely panicky but just talked myself down, and lay there til the feeling wore off. It was then that I realised that my night terrors as a child felt similar if not the same as a certain dissociative feeling I have had that I always thought was a panic attack, first occuring in strobe lighting. I am not saying that there are no psychological reasons, just wondered if there was a link that implicates a certain person who may be susceptible to altered states of concsiousness. I notice there is a lot of people here who have sleeping problems in particluar when they wake up. Just an idea, I'm sure its been researched.

Sorry, didn't mean to take over your post there!

Its weird how you dont suffer anxiety. I think give the therapy a go, explore the things you think may have caused this. Its often said that the realtionship with the therapist is the most important part of it all. It sounds as though you should maybe try and find one who you feel more comfortable with. Of course, it may be that you just don't feel like telling her that stuff just yet. Maybe it will take time to build the trust.

 

[lone wolf]

Hi g-funk - thanks for your reply...

Just out of curiosity (again) - have you ever had any sleep disorders or night terrors etc? Just that you mention about waking up in a dream like state.

I remember having nightmares only as a very small child, but nowadays I'm used to having sleep paralysis quite often. I also used to see hypnagogic visions before falling to sleep before, but nowadays - as I'm on antipsychotic medication - I see visions like hypnagogic hallucinations only in the state between the sleep and waking up, very rarely though. However, I don't see these things as any disorder, bc I don't feel disturbed by them - rather I feel keen interest toward them, as those experiences are quite weird.

I also see lucid dreams sometimes - maybe once a year/two years - and the are very important to me, as my lucid dreams always contain very beautiful symbolic imagery, which reflects the issues I have in my life during that time. However, it seems that my current therapist is a bit close-minded toward dreams and psychotic ideation, and thus I feel the therapy useless, cuz I can't process those things with her...

I wish I could have a therapist who would have a theoretical background I wish for (Jungian), but it is not possible without paying for it. So I think I will have this one year free therapy at Espoonlahti psychiatric clinic and after that I may consider of having other therapy... If I want to choose a therapist who would be "on the same wave-lengths" enough with me, I'll have to pay for it. And at the moment I'm a moneyless student...

However - I hope to finish my studies soon and after that find work, then it may be possible for me to find a good therapist, who would appreciate my insights/viewpoints better than my current therapist does. Let's see...

 

[g-funk]

I have had some lucid dreams recently. Literally, I am aware that I am asleep and am in full control of the dream. These tend to be when I wake up and my consciousness is a bit screwed.

I hope you find the therapist you need!