dreamcatcher, I thank you for replying to my post. I understand how you feel. I too had a breakdown a few years ago and my whole world fell apart. I also do not remember alot of things due to it being so severe. I spent months in hospital and barely uttered one word. My world had literally collapsed, my mind felt like it was gone forever and my heart was broken beyond repair so I thought. I was told over and over again I was going to be okay. The nurses and doctors came into to see me many times in a day and I did not respond to anyone. I even stopped crying, ate very little and I felt like the woman I once knew was gone forever. Even though the doctor's said you will be that woman again you will be back I never once believed it and to be honest with you got to the point where it really did not matter anymore. I felt like I had tried so hard all my life to make others happy to be accepted, all I wanted was to be loved. My childhood was a constant reminder that I was not loved the way I should have been. Oh how could I fix this I thought to myself, believe it or not it was the poor treatment that I watched by so called professionals that one day made me stand up for myself and say why is it that because a person falls down from a broken heart are we to be looked down upon? I decided from that day on that I would try and live life a little bit more for me, I am not trying to sound selfish here, but we do have to love and accept who we are and be kind to ourselves like we would be to others.
Dreamer I hope you have a wonderful christmas. Your last christmas was painful and you deserve good things. You are a kind and caring woman who gives alot of support to others here and I appreciate all that you do. I have learned that happiness can be right there in front of me when I do not even see it. To me it is little things now that make me smile. like I mentioned in my post, a warm cup of cocoa, a walk in the snow, just to feel life all around me is now precious to me. I look at life a little bit differently now, I know that I will never be loved by my family ever again and I have accepted that. There child was not well at times and instead of loving and caring they chose to walk away and pretend I do not exist. I know in my heart though that my heart is a good one, a kind one and one that keep opening up in time to share life again. Enjoy the moments, the little things, you know I made a snow angel the other day and actually laughed. I thought at first oh I am a grown woman I should not do this, then I realized oh what the heck grown women need a good laugh to. One moment at at time.