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Chat and I need it!

806 Views 9 Replies 1 Participant Last post by  Janinebaker
Hi people,

I really don't feel good, I have more and more agressivity and impulsions, that makes me more disconnected..... I am afraid of me.....

I yell at my boyfriend (like this PM), because he wanted to sleep, and I was to take care of my son, and I didn't wanted because I felt too disconnected, and I took the kid and went to my parents in car.... crying.... it's not usual for me to do this but each time, I reallt feel like I am going nuts. I feel like there is no way I can be better, and I want strong meds, I can't cope anymore with this disconnection and depression feelings, it's horrible, I want to go to the hospital, but again, I think of what people will say, and I say to myself : what is happening to me? Do I have something else like bipolar, or more???? I swear I feel like even sunny days are frighening. And even klono don't help me. Before, it was helping me, but now I am at a point where I feel that nothing will help me, even anti-psychotics, they will just knock me,but I wont feel better, more there, less afraid, more me.... I really feel dead.

I don't know what I can do to feel more stable, even when I calm myself I feel like it's the end of the world. It's like my mind cannot endure this another minute.

Karine :(
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Hi Karine!

I've read a few of your posts and I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I've been there. What a nightmare, eh? The worst thing about it, is that it takes time to recover. I honestly don't know how I managed to battle my illness for such a long time. Other people on this board have given you great advice.

If you really believe you can't cope anymore, why not take time out for yourself? I think you'll get better a lot quicker, if many of lifes other stresses are temporarily taken off your shoulders. (I don't know... I might be suggesting the wrong things to you here, mind. If any other members of this board believe my suggestions are a bad idea, then please listen to them, Karine, as I'm sure they would know better than me. I've had no training whatsoever. I just want to try to help you.)

The way I see it, is that you're struggling to cope with life yourself, let alone look after your two year old child, too. That's something I know I couldn't have done when I was really ill, and I think I'm a very strong person. Perhaps it's time for you to spend some time in hospital, like you want to, so you can focus ONLY on getting better?

That's what I did, even though it wasn't easy to get into hospital. I think you've got to be suicidal or homicidal for doctors to take you seriously. Even then, the majority of them don't seem to care - they just help you enough to cover their a**es! Also, doctors don't like to hospitalize people like us, as they're afraid we won't want to leave one day and face the outside world again.

Anyway, if your boyfriend loves you enough, he will help you and wait for you. He's bound to be stressed himself, too. Don't expect miracles from him. He might not be able to look after your daughter all by himself. If this does happen, Karine, try not to feel guilty. It's better for your daughter to miss you for a few months and have her mummy on the road to recovery, than for you to stay home now and upset her from your suffering. I strongly believe that children and pets can pick up on our mental suffering. It happened to me...

Some women have their children taken away from them because they are addicted to heroin... or alcohol... or because they physically or sexually abuse the poor little mites. Remember, Karine - this is not your fault! People won't take your daughter away from you because you aren't capable of looking after her. On the contrary - they will help you as much as they can.

I used to think there was some other mental illness wrong with me, too. I searched for the answers for years. I couldn't accept that the only thing wrong with me, was that I was suffering from Dp, Dr, Anxiety and Depression. But stop and think... ONLY Dp, Dr, Anxiety and Depression??? Bloody Hell! I believe that suffering from all this is just as bad, if not worse than any other mental illness. Try not to worry about what people might think of you. Remember they just don't understand. YOU know you're genuinely suffering, so this is the only thing that matters. You can't help your daughter or anyone else, unless you help yourself first.

Please take great care of yourself.


Lesley Ann
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Karine, I've read loads of Janine's posts and I have to say that I've never yet believed her advice or opinions to be wrong.

Okay, so you've had a son and now decided it's not the life you want. It's tragic, yes, but don't hate yourself because of this. Everybody makes mistakes, however small or big. I believe we all deserve a second chance in life.

I don't think you're a bad person because you don't want to grow up, or because you don't enjoy being a mother, etc.. Perhaps you shouldn't push yourself too much on trying to 'like' being a good, reliable mother? You might end up seriously resenting your son for 'spoiling' your life, and he could end up having problems in his future because of this.

Surely it'd be better for him, if he was brought up by somebody who enjoyed every minute with him? What about your boyfriend? Or your parents? You could watch him growing up from a distance.

I'm not advising you to rush into any decisions - especially as I'm sure this would be a really complicated matter - but at least try to start thinking and (Like Janine suggested) talking to your therapist about it.

Incidentally, I personally know someone who also decided that motherhood wasn't for her, because she didn't want to grow up and become responsible. Her parents adopted her son, and now they ALL live under the same roof. Although they would never dream about life without their grandson, it did spoil their plans of a happy, peaceful retirement.


Lesley Ann
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That's good to hear, Karine.

I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.

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