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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi people,

I really don't feel good, I have more and more agressivity and impulsions, that makes me more disconnected..... I am afraid of me.....

I yell at my boyfriend (like this PM), because he wanted to sleep, and I was to take care of my son, and I didn't wanted because I felt too disconnected, and I took the kid and went to my parents in car.... crying.... it's not usual for me to do this but each time, I reallt feel like I am going nuts. I feel like there is no way I can be better, and I want strong meds, I can't cope anymore with this disconnection and depression feelings, it's horrible, I want to go to the hospital, but again, I think of what people will say, and I say to myself : what is happening to me? Do I have something else like bipolar, or more???? I swear I feel like even sunny days are frighening. And even klono don't help me. Before, it was helping me, but now I am at a point where I feel that nothing will help me, even anti-psychotics, they will just knock me,but I wont feel better, more there, less afraid, more me.... I really feel dead.

I don't know what I can do to feel more stable, even when I calm myself I feel like it's the end of the world. It's like my mind cannot endure this another minute.

Karine :(
 

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Hi Karine!

I've read a few of your posts and I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I've been there. What a nightmare, eh? The worst thing about it, is that it takes time to recover. I honestly don't know how I managed to battle my illness for such a long time. Other people on this board have given you great advice.

If you really believe you can't cope anymore, why not take time out for yourself? I think you'll get better a lot quicker, if many of lifes other stresses are temporarily taken off your shoulders. (I don't know... I might be suggesting the wrong things to you here, mind. If any other members of this board believe my suggestions are a bad idea, then please listen to them, Karine, as I'm sure they would know better than me. I've had no training whatsoever. I just want to try to help you.)

The way I see it, is that you're struggling to cope with life yourself, let alone look after your two year old child, too. That's something I know I couldn't have done when I was really ill, and I think I'm a very strong person. Perhaps it's time for you to spend some time in hospital, like you want to, so you can focus ONLY on getting better?

That's what I did, even though it wasn't easy to get into hospital. I think you've got to be suicidal or homicidal for doctors to take you seriously. Even then, the majority of them don't seem to care - they just help you enough to cover their a**es! Also, doctors don't like to hospitalize people like us, as they're afraid we won't want to leave one day and face the outside world again.

Anyway, if your boyfriend loves you enough, he will help you and wait for you. He's bound to be stressed himself, too. Don't expect miracles from him. He might not be able to look after your daughter all by himself. If this does happen, Karine, try not to feel guilty. It's better for your daughter to miss you for a few months and have her mummy on the road to recovery, than for you to stay home now and upset her from your suffering. I strongly believe that children and pets can pick up on our mental suffering. It happened to me...

Some women have their children taken away from them because they are addicted to heroin... or alcohol... or because they physically or sexually abuse the poor little mites. Remember, Karine - this is not your fault! People won't take your daughter away from you because you aren't capable of looking after her. On the contrary - they will help you as much as they can.

I used to think there was some other mental illness wrong with me, too. I searched for the answers for years. I couldn't accept that the only thing wrong with me, was that I was suffering from Dp, Dr, Anxiety and Depression. But stop and think... ONLY Dp, Dr, Anxiety and Depression??? Bloody Hell! I believe that suffering from all this is just as bad, if not worse than any other mental illness. Try not to worry about what people might think of you. Remember they just don't understand. YOU know you're genuinely suffering, so this is the only thing that matters. You can't help your daughter or anyone else, unless you help yourself first.

Please take great care of yourself.

Love,

Lesley Ann
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
THANKS a lot, I feel like this comes from your heart... it's true I have problems to cope with LIFE in itself..... sometimes I just want to sleep because life is too hard. I give up easily.

Tonight I am at my paretns home, and I took a klono to calm down. My parents and I take care of my son. I feel more relaxed. I have a big big headache and feel nauseated.

I mat give a realt try to medication that helped dp/dr and don't worry about schizo. That is my main fear, it's incredible. I should say to myself that if I have hallucinations, just stop the med!!!

My depression is real hard. I would like so much med that ca ease the depression whil the AD takes effect. That is why sometimes I think of anti-psychotics at low doses. You know all how much it's hard sometimes. Maybe I could take for a few weeks...

Anyway, thanks a lot for your post.

Karine xxx
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I know you don't believe me, but I'm going to say it anyway. All those fears of doing something terrible, et.c..all those fears of your own impulses...it is coming from this:

Part of you does NOT want to be a mother. Part of you wants to still be a child yourself and to be taken care of by your parents.

Part of you DOES want to go to a hospital - but not because they could really do anything good for you there, but because part of you wants to give your son to your parents - and have THEM raise him. That part of you thinks it's a way OUT - to become so incapcitated by your own mind that you CANNOT function at all. Then it's not "your fault" - and your baby is with "normal" people like your parents and you can just heal yourself.

I'm not judging those feelings - you're scared of being a grown up. But that is the stuff you need to TALK about - to be as honest as you can about your private thoughts - and to finally realize that WANTING something is not the same thing as doing it!!

Love,
J
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Janine,

I wont quote you, but you are ABSOLUTELY right. And I know that. But how can I learn to be a mother? And liking it? And growing up?

I don't know how. Do you think talking about growing up with psychologist would help me more? Talking about being a mother, etc.

I really feel like I won't ever ever get used to it. It's true, I feel better when alone, with books, with other person that take care of my son, in my bed, alone. I feel very guilty for this. And when I TRY to like it and be responsible, a good mother, etc. Everybody around think I am so good! But all I think is : I don't like that, and never will. It's too hard I don't have energy for that in my life. And then I cry when things getting harder. Because a baby take all my life away. I am not the same girl I used to be. I can't do things like before. I can't do anything anytime like before. I have to take care of him all the time. I lost myself. And the problem is : I don't like myself as a mother, and don't want to have time for myself alone, because I don't recognize myself and feel like a stranger. My life now is too far from my life before, when I had routine, selfish patterns, I was eating like I wanted (now it's for the baby), I was doing exercice, cyclinjg, each morning in the summer *now I can't, I was drinking and going out (now it's not that way), me and my boyfriend were going to the movies, anytime, I would buy myself some beautiful clothes (now I don't care about myself), I was very selfish, hobbies, etc.

I didn't welcome my kid, and I feel like a monster. I hate myself so much.

Why am I like that? And if I was so immature, why did I do a baby? What was I thinking?

I hate myself but when I look at my son I see a beautiful kid. I love him bu at the same time, I love hime MORE when he's quiet, and sleep, etc.

I was immature all my life. Bang! I have to be adult, and I don't want to!!! How can the transition be more gradable???

K xxx
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
As I said A YEAR AGO!! (grin), that is precisely the stuff you need to talk about in therapy.

I do NOT think you're a bad person at all for having those feelings and thoughts. YOU do. That's precisely why it's what you need to talk about and work on. You can't go to therapy looking for tips on how to be a better mother when you don't WANT to be a better mother - you SAY you do, grin...but you're lying! You're looking for a way OUT.

Again, I AM NOT judging you. All people have all kinds of terrible thoughts and desires. But that's where neurosis come from - our inability to talk about them in the light of day. You need to be as honest as possible about your inner thoughts. The days for secret thoughts are over.

Love you,
J
 

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Karine, I've read loads of Janine's posts and I have to say that I've never yet believed her advice or opinions to be wrong.

Okay, so you've had a son and now decided it's not the life you want. It's tragic, yes, but don't hate yourself because of this. Everybody makes mistakes, however small or big. I believe we all deserve a second chance in life.

I don't think you're a bad person because you don't want to grow up, or because you don't enjoy being a mother, etc.. Perhaps you shouldn't push yourself too much on trying to 'like' being a good, reliable mother? You might end up seriously resenting your son for 'spoiling' your life, and he could end up having problems in his future because of this.

Surely it'd be better for him, if he was brought up by somebody who enjoyed every minute with him? What about your boyfriend? Or your parents? You could watch him growing up from a distance.

I'm not advising you to rush into any decisions - especially as I'm sure this would be a really complicated matter - but at least try to start thinking and (Like Janine suggested) talking to your therapist about it.

Incidentally, I personally know someone who also decided that motherhood wasn't for her, because she didn't want to grow up and become responsible. Her parents adopted her son, and now they ALL live under the same roof. Although they would never dream about life without their grandson, it did spoil their plans of a happy, peaceful retirement.

Love,

Lesley Ann
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hi,

Sunshine Spirit,

I don't think it would be a good idea. I would feel more suicidal after that. I can't do that. I love him you know, and I am able to take care of him, nobody can say I am not good, I just don't feel like it, but he's happy, seems to, with me.

I couldn't accept that, I would be more dp and dr and confused. It's not acceptable. I hav to learn to like that, it's life!!

You know I always set back when I felt not good in life, and that's called not getting involved in life. But with a kid, sorry, I can't. I'd go crazy if I'd let him to somebody. I SWEAR I'd go crazy.

I not even an option. I HAVE A problem, and I HAVE to grown up, wanting or not.

Karine
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
NNNNOOOOOO! I am not suggesting you give your son to someone else to raise, lol.....

I'm talking ONLY about THOUGHTS and FANTASIES. It's clear to me that in your MIND (thoughts only) that is one of the ideas that is roaming around in your unconscious.

Thoughts are not actions. And just because we are having ideas about something, that does NOT mean that we should act on them.

Actually, this is the whole problem in a nutshell. We get so scared to admit to ourselves that we have such thoughts because we think IF we talk about them, then we will have to DO them. That's the very core of where our neurotic symtpoms originate.

To talk about something is not to start on the road to DOING it. To talk is to sort out the unacceptable and terrifying thoughts that we refuse to OWN but that are running us into the ground with symptoms.

Make any sense?

Do NOT give away your child, lol....good GOd, that is not what I was saying at all. But it will help you if you face how much you'd LIKE to do that sometimes. The inner conflicts. That's the stuff to sort out.

Love,
J
 
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