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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, i'm writing this now, spent with exhaustion and anxietal trauma. My anxiety/depersonalization has been mounting over the past two weeks, and hit an absolute crescendo tonight on my way home from out of town. Just to give you a bit of a background...i've had a very rough past couple of weeks, and it seems to have put me in a more pronounced and intense dp state.

I've been going non-stop since last weekend, when i went on another long trip, drank myself silly virtually every night, went to concerts throughout the week, and then took another trip this weekend to my old university town to catch up with friends and go to yet another concert ("Interpol" this time, in case anyone is interested...and it was a great show). Needless to say, i've gotten very little sleep and have been drinking like a fish all weekend, and have been bustling about seemingly non-stop for two weeks now. I was feeling pretty terrible to begin with, but this two week bender of mine came to a screaming climax tonight on my drive home (it was a 4 hour drive back to toronto).

I was in the car, listening to erik satie, in that dismal twilight hour, feeling appropriately depressed and anxious as usual, when all of a sudden i was struck with this huge wave of derealization. i mean, it was REALLY REALLY bad. I didn't know what hit me. I swerved the car and almost hit someone in the lane beside me. I almost got to the point where i literally didn't know where or who i was. It was just insane. It was like i couldn't come back or something. I pulled off the road to regain composure, and the composure barely came. I drank water, chain-smoked, and drove in the slow lane the rest of the way home, shaking like a leaf. It was just horrifying, and i still feel it to some extent, although thankfully the intensity has gone down quite a bit.

It was probably the worst wave of that i've ever had. It's so hard to tell with these things, as you know. I feel utterly hopeless right now and again wonder how i can ever possibly make it through another day, let alone the rest of my life. I'm at home now and terrified. I know it's a bit of a cliche on this board, but i truly feel like this might be the end for me. I can't see how i can get back on my feet after this. Granted, i have felt this defeated before, but i'm sure most of you know how real it feels at the time. And i'm in that time right now.

i'm wondering if any of you have had any major dp/dr-attacks like this one. There was nothing slow about it. It was a huge wave which totally engulfed me and rests just off the shore even now, no doubt assembling into another large crest. I'm also writing this to solicit the requisite sympathy. So please, if any of you feel like responding, please do so. This has been a horrible day for me.

Thanks,

s.
 

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Former Moderator
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thanks for your comment shelly. to be honest, i'm barely functioning at work right now. i still feel oh so dream-like, and have no idea how i'm going to make it through the rest of the day. It's just so horrifying. I'm so tired of all this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
thanks dreamer,

it's strange what a comfort words can be. i needed that.

i agree with you about the alcohol and the lack of sleep. sometimes i wonder if i only drink so i'll have an excuse to tell myself why i feel bad. but i think yesterday's experience was enough to scare me into sobriety...at least for awhile.

thanks again, to all who responded.

s.
 
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