[sebastian]

So, i'm writing this now, spent with exhaustion and anxietal trauma. My anxiety/depersonalization has been mounting over the past two weeks, and hit an absolute crescendo tonight on my way home from out of town. Just to give you a bit of a background...i've had a very rough past couple of weeks, and it seems to have put me in a more pronounced and intense dp state.

I've been going non-stop since last weekend, when i went on another long trip, drank myself silly virtually every night, went to concerts throughout the week, and then took another trip this weekend to my old university town to catch up with friends and go to yet another concert ("Interpol" this time, in case anyone is interested...and it was a great show). Needless to say, i've gotten very little sleep and have been drinking like a fish all weekend, and have been bustling about seemingly non-stop for two weeks now. I was feeling pretty terrible to begin with, but this two week bender of mine came to a screaming climax tonight on my drive home (it was a 4 hour drive back to toronto).

I was in the car, listening to erik satie, in that dismal twilight hour, feeling appropriately depressed and anxious as usual, when all of a sudden i was struck with this huge wave of derealization. i mean, it was REALLY REALLY bad. I didn't know what hit me. I swerved the car and almost hit someone in the lane beside me. I almost got to the point where i literally didn't know where or who i was. It was just insane. It was like i couldn't come back or something. I pulled off the road to regain composure, and the composure barely came. I drank water, chain-smoked, and drove in the slow lane the rest of the way home, shaking like a leaf. It was just horrifying, and i still feel it to some extent, although thankfully the intensity has gone down quite a bit.

It was probably the worst wave of that i've ever had. It's so hard to tell with these things, as you know. I feel utterly hopeless right now and again wonder how i can ever possibly make it through another day, let alone the rest of my life. I'm at home now and terrified. I know it's a bit of a cliche on this board, but i truly feel like this might be the end for me. I can't see how i can get back on my feet after this. Granted, i have felt this defeated before, but i'm sure most of you know how real it feels at the time. And i'm in that time right now.

i'm wondering if any of you have had any major dp/dr-attacks like this one. There was nothing slow about it. It was a huge wave which totally engulfed me and rests just off the shore even now, no doubt assembling into another large crest. I'm also writing this to solicit the requisite sympathy. So please, if any of you feel like responding, please do so. This has been a horrible day for me.

Thanks,

s.

 

[Guest]

Sounds like you had a horrid experience Sebastian.
I've had many of these heavy duty dp attacks.
They certainly take the wind out of your sails.

I hope you are now feeling better

Cheers Shelly

 

[sebastian]

thanks for your comment shelly. to be honest, i'm barely functioning at work right now. i still feel oh so dream-like, and have no idea how i'm going to make it through the rest of the day. It's just so horrifying. I'm so tired of all this.

 

[gem]

I do hope you feel better soon. Living with dp/dr is very difficult and sometimes you just feel like you cannot cope another day with it. It is like any illness there are days you feel confident that it will feel better and then there are days that you just do not know. One thing though, the drinking has not helped your dp/dr, the amount of drink you have mentioned would not help your dp/dr and it may even intensify this. Personally if it was me if it was me I would not drink like that. Alcohol can make one feel really depressed and it may have contributed to how you were feeling.

gem.

 

[Kelson12]

You just answered your own question of why you feel like this...

You drank like a fish and have had little sleep...you are setting your self up to feel horrible. Take care.

Kelson

 

[Dreamer]

Sebastian,
Sorry you're in this state. As Kelson noted, you've answered your question. It doesn't surprise me that excess alcohol and lack of sleep set this off, and it will pass once your body gets back to normal.

I've had a number of these hideous waves over the years as well. And I always look for "variables", that is, what could have possibly caused me to feel like this?

In many cases it was physical illness. I had one of the worst epidodes of my life when I had a serious brochitis. I literally disappeared from the face of the earth. I swear it. And I thought, "How can I even kill myself, there's nothing here to kill." I wasn't enough "there" to get up of the sofa. It was also one of the few times when I felt my face on fire... as though I were sitting near a bonfire, and no, it wasn't the fever I had.

But this passed. As the horrible bug left my bloodstream, whatever it was, the DP/DR went back to "normal." I swore I wanted to die.

Also, there have been psychological/anxiety triggers I haven't quite figured out and they involve "the novel".. novel situations. When I've had visitors to my apartment, invariably there will be a day when I have a horrible wave of DP/DR. If I sit down and talk with the person, I'm able to "talk myself down".

Other times I do what you did. Distraction, talking to myself, reassuring myself. I think I get thrown that I have someone new in my apartment. I usually don't have that many visitors, so it's odd and anxiety provoking (fight/flight gone wild) to have a new routine, someone new there. I've also had this visiting other people. Staying at their house.

I can only say, all of these hideous events usuallly have a clear cause, and the cause for your episode is pretty clear as Kelson mentioned.

Also, for me, they always passed. Sometimes within 24 hours, sometimes longer, say days or a week. You will get out of this. But dear Lord, man, what you did would be a guarantee of DP/DR Hell for me.

Take Care,
This too shall pass,
D

 

[sebastian]

thanks dreamer,

it's strange what a comfort words can be. i needed that.

i agree with you about the alcohol and the lack of sleep. sometimes i wonder if i only drink so i'll have an excuse to tell myself why i feel bad. but i think yesterday's experience was enough to scare me into sobriety...at least for awhile.

thanks again, to all who responded.

s.