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I only know I'm tired of myself, of my life, of their nonsense.. I'm Always feeling fear like it's regular to me like breath, I envy people who live their daily life without the threat of a terrible anxiety attack in any random moment..

in a single day my mind was full of all of this doubts:

- I don't feel like I have no sense of self, I kinda feel like I have more than one sense of self, like how I think, feel and see things is fragmented and on top of all of that, whenever I try to think consciously or better myself internally, it's like a layer of new self is going to put on

- I fear I never had really a soul, a center in me, genuine normal thoughts and feelings like everyone, only a projected self from Others point of view

- I get random remote memories, mental images/vibes/moods popping up and I freak out trying to understand if are based on reality, on things I've thought, dreamt or a mix of all of that

- While I try to fall asleep, it's like my mind start INVENTING songs, phrases, places and it starts like to think that such things are realer to me than reality (or something like this, I can't grasp the exact sense). or either, it pictures a sense of myself far away from me

- I can feel the separation between internal me and outer me, the one everyone knows.. its like, if I imagine myself interacting with family or friends etc, I feel like I know that's not the real me and so I freak out thinking that maybe I projected a me all my life that doesn't really match with my internal experience, so it's like no one really ever knew me??!

- I get ridicolous dread if I think that such a confusing and existential life period may repeat further in life and what if it will confuse me and destroy me futher? Maybe in how I perceive life, I fear the random mental images or moods I get cause I fear they're too real, I also fear that I should've got aware of all of this before in life, I fear I was Always in danger

- I fear outer reality is like a mix of what my consciousness decide to focus on at any moment or think/or daydream about. I also fear that all of this may mix and then confuse my thoughts, perception and dreams in future

- I fear I'm actually not human internally

- I fear I'm trapped in such a situation my mind can't physically grasp or comprehend, I fear I'm fucked up

- I get extreme ANXIETY because I might feel like my existence was Always sick or crazy and that all of my happy or normal moments were no-sense because it's like, since I know myself better than anyone else, then I also know that all my life I was nonsensical and so my reasons of joy and sadness (?) then I also get anxious thinking how I suffered and rejoyed, I had hope but what all was for? I ended up in such a horrible state now, like the old me couldn't even comprehend, how the fuck did I end up thinking on such abstract stuff and fearing such random things? Plus whenever I see movies like Predestination or time traveling, past life, paraxods topics etc I get anxious cause it's like my mind goes seeking the connections and dots between those situations and mine, it's like all my fears are based on insights and connections that are there but are Always shifting and can't grasp, I know it's crazy , it's like I can't accept just how my life and myself appear at face value and i'ts like I need to dig deeper and deeper in search for the "truth" of how I operate internally but I just feel weirder and weirder, I feel like there's so many philosophies, simple concepts, solutions and thoughts on this world that I just shift between all of them searching for my truth, so I freak out cause I feel like I just don't exist

- I get exhasperated at how emotionally fragile I feel I am, like all of my life I was bordering on feeling overwhelm with no proper reason, why am I this fucked up? I also fear that not even in Death such dilemmas can be quieted cause, I fear I may be caught up in loops or paradoxs and so, can't even die

The list goes on and on, and it's Always frightened.. How I fight such fears?

.....
 

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This is so same than mine. I fear that i cannot die because im already dead. And im gonna be in this hell forever. Idont see anyway out of this. I think dead would be better tjan this. This is like total chaos. Make nosense of myself anymore. Always too aware of my own consciousness. And i have fears like. No it shouldnot go this way..or that way. I have to stay in this chaos. Its like always something is stopping me. Something is always kind of wrong. I get nothing to done and end up living with this confusion
 

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This is exactly how i feel right now, all these fears in my head make me feel kind of insane, but its kind of confusing i was feeling like 95% for a week with barely even thinking about derealization and than this hit me this week and its kind of scary.
 
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