..by any other name

For me I would say that it took me a long long time to accept the fact that I was ill as sad and as upsetting as that can sound I have to come to grips that I was very ill. This illness is not to be taken lightly, it is not just something that one can just easily say, oh it is really not that bad. For me, and I am speaking just for me, I say it is the worst thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life. It is not an illness you can just shut out or ignore, it is there large as life and even though it can make on feel so unreal, it is real, it is very real and it hurts, it hurts so much to live this. Yes we can look at this and say ok I am not going to let it ruin or run my life, but the truth is if you are in the depths of this it can do just that. It is so easy to say lets not make alot of this but I say god it is an illness that is very difficult to live with and what makes it harder is knowing that there is little out there for treatment and know one really seems to know how to cure this or really what this is. I know everyone here suffers. The people here are strong and caring and kind and thank god we have this support. I am sorry but for me it would be very hard for me to come here all the time and pretend that this illness is caused from just anxiety. Mine is not all from anxiety, it is from physical illness, loss of loved ones, lots of trauma and many other reasons.

This is the place one can come and just be yourself, say if this illness hurts, say that you feel sad when you feel sad it is okay. From the bottom of my heart I say, we are not machines, let people say how they feel, some may be upset hearing the negative but that is what makes here so special, it is okay to feel whether it be good or not humans need to express the realness of a disorder or illness because whether we like it or not it is a disorder or an illness and I this year was finally able to say I am ill and you know what it is okay to say, it there is no shame in it, the more one faces the reality of all of this one can heal. I again will say this is my own personal view about me, being able to look in the mirror and saying you are ill was the first step towards being well again.

gem.

Johnny I agree with you also and I understand how you feel. It is a very depressing illness and the hard part is there is not alot of support as far as doctors undertanding this and being able to help. I know we need to have a positive attitude it is important with any illness, but it is very hard to have this day in a and day out. I know myself I have tried everything to be well. I have managed to graduate and do many things while in the grips of this. I know in my heart some day we will get well. We have believe in our hearts and we need to have hope. I look at it this way, at one time in our lives we did not have this so that tells me that as quickly as it came it could very well go. For me I am trying to enjoy life even though I am in this all the time. I have had many people say to me try not to think about it, you know what I say to that, how can you not think about something that is a part of you every moment of your life. To push it away would be like trying to push yourself away, it is a part of you, I am trying to accept that for now this is me with dp, I will do the best I can in what I live.

gem.

Here is how I feel, I am ill and that is what I have had to accept. At this point of my life if I say I am not ill then I believe I have a bigger problem. Because someone admits they are ill does not mean that it is a negavtive thing. To me it is a very positive step in being well. I am not saying think about this all day long and focusing on being ill, I am saying for me accepting that I am ill has allowed me to relax and accept that I am not perfect and this is what I have. In life we all have something that we are coping with. This is what I have and this is a disorder. I can and have done amazing things while in the grips of this illness. When I sat down and read an article I had written that was published I thought to myself wow the doctors said I would write again some day and I did regardless whether I was ill or not. I am not ashamed to be ill, it is okay to say one is ill. Knowing and saying this to myself has not made my condition worse it has allowed me to look at my life and see how I can make it better knowing I have an illness that is very difficult to cope with but that I will become stronger and more educated and someday be able to help others when they feel they cannot do it alone. It is not a weakness to admit you are sick, it is a strength. My personal view is that this illness does not change it's face whether you say you are ill or not, it is there and saying it does not mean it is a negative thought. What it says to me is well another day is here and yep the dp is here right along beside me and today I know I have it and I know it hurts but someday I will be able to look in the mirror and say goodbye to the dp that stood beside me and admit that it is was part of who I am at this point in my life and some day it will not be and then and only then will I be able to say I am no longer ill or suffer a disorder.

gem.