[Guest]

I think that we DPers need to stop thinking of this thing as a "disorder" or an "illness" or any of the various other words with negative connotation.
No - it's not fun or light or anything like that - of course. But the more we think ourselves to be in some serious state of "breakdown" the more we continue to scare the c**p out of ourselves. "Oh great - I have a disorder! I thought maybe I was sick but NOW I guess I must really be BAD!" This is all anxiety based, let's face it. Anxiety is such
a widespread, common "condition" (isn't that better?) that it's no wonder we are,so many of us, all here. Sure there are tons of psychological reasons as to what triggers DP - all very valid and worth entertaining.
None of these reasons says that we are desperately ill people who will never lead a "normal" life again. Let's try a kinder, gentler and less creepy mindset to help take the edge off of this thing. It's bad enough all on it's own - let's not help it along!

 

[Guest]

Yes, I suppose fatalism really isn't healthy.

 

[Guest]

yea i dont like giving it a name either but it does sound better than brain damage because thats what i thought i had at first

 

[Guest]

brain damage/disorder/illness/breakdown - it's all ugly! How about...
"I'm having a brain funk" or "I'm stuck in inside-out world" or "that stupid little mind game" - come on there must be a thousand other ways we can
play this thing off so it won't seem as dreadful as it feels!...

 

[Guest]

we could make a nickname for it, i call it the blood sucking b.i.t.c.h

 

[Guest]

awesome - lol - I love it !! "Yeah I can't really think straight right now - the blood sucking bi**h is messing with my head again!"

 

[Guest]

B.S.B blood sucking b.i.t.c.h., well figure a more technical name later

 

[berlin]

I dont suffer anxiety so the BSB must be entirely self sufficient by now...

 

[Guest]

Although it seems that the BSB has mutated into an entity unto itself, I believe that to be just part of its' wonderful illusion - just another way the BSB has of screwing with our heads!

 

[Guest]

I hate this trance state

 

[gem]

For me I would say that it took me a long long time to accept the fact that I was ill as sad and as upsetting as that can sound I have to come to grips that I was very ill. This illness is not to be taken lightly, it is not just something that one can just easily say, oh it is really not that bad. For me, and I am speaking just for me, I say it is the worst thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life. It is not an illness you can just shut out or ignore, it is there large as life and even though it can make on feel so unreal, it is real, it is very real and it hurts, it hurts so much to live this. Yes we can look at this and say ok I am not going to let it ruin or run my life, but the truth is if you are in the depths of this it can do just that. It is so easy to say lets not make alot of this but I say god it is an illness that is very difficult to live with and what makes it harder is knowing that there is little out there for treatment and know one really seems to know how to cure this or really what this is. I know everyone here suffers. The people here are strong and caring and kind and thank god we have this support. I am sorry but for me it would be very hard for me to come here all the time and pretend that this illness is caused from just anxiety. Mine is not all from anxiety, it is from physical illness, loss of loved ones, lots of trauma and many other reasons.

This is the place one can come and just be yourself, say if this illness hurts, say that you feel sad when you feel sad it is okay. From the bottom of my heart I say, we are not machines, let people say how they feel, some may be upset hearing the negative but that is what makes here so special, it is okay to feel whether it be good or not humans need to express the realness of a disorder or illness because whether we like it or not it is a disorder or an illness and I this year was finally able to say I am ill and you know what it is okay to say, it there is no shame in it, the more one faces the reality of all of this one can heal. I again will say this is my own personal view about me, being able to look in the mirror and saying you are ill was the first step towards being well again.

gem.

 

[Guest]

I agree GEM, this disorder is not to be taking lightly and it is the hardest thing i have to go through from day to day and the names for it describes it pretty well, its just such a trip to be goin through this from day to day, it just feels like life is slipping by and i have nothing to grab on to. Every day feels the same, same thing to go through and its just very depressing to have this disorder. I like the idea of making nick names for it because it makes it feel like its beatable and less stronger, each word has its own feeling and emotion attached to it and depersonalization just seems so deep and depressing.

 

[gem]

Johnny I agree with you also and I understand how you feel. It is a very depressing illness and the hard part is there is not alot of support as far as doctors undertanding this and being able to help. I know we need to have a positive attitude it is important with any illness, but it is very hard to have this day in a and day out. I know myself I have tried everything to be well. I have managed to graduate and do many things while in the grips of this. I know in my heart some day we will get well. We have believe in our hearts and we need to have hope. I look at it this way, at one time in our lives we did not have this so that tells me that as quickly as it came it could very well go. For me I am trying to enjoy life even though I am in this all the time. I have had many people say to me try not to think about it, you know what I say to that, how can you not think about something that is a part of you every moment of your life. To push it away would be like trying to push yourself away, it is a part of you, I am trying to accept that for now this is me with dp, I will do the best I can in what I live.

gem.

 

[Guest]

Your completely right and i feel the same way with no buts.

 

[Guest]

Gem..I am in complete agreement with you that this thing is no laughing matter as I continue to struggle with it every single day. That being said I personally feel very strongly that by telling ourselves we are ill- we allow ourselves to wallow in the sadness and hopeless feeling that having an "illness" brings with it. I think there ARE things we can do to try to get better and I think it has to begin with our way of looking at this "illness",
"disorder" etc, etc. First of all, we accept that we have this thing. For whatever reason we got it - it's here in each of our lives and we need to deal with it. Then we need to stop scaring ourselves even more by telling ourselves that we may never be the same again, no doctor can really help, etc. etc! I originally started with DP when I was in my early 20's, just before I got married. I was filled with anxiety about starting life on my own and such. Well I have to say that it kind of just went away - for a very long time. It came back now - for some reason (just got divorced - hmm - maybe a connection..) and I am determined to beat it again.
I think we all know that something is not exactly "right" within ourselves
but we NEED to fill our minds with positive thoughts and laughter to help us break through this BSB and get back to the other side again.

 

[gem]

Here is how I feel, I am ill and that is what I have had to accept. At this point of my life if I say I am not ill then I believe I have a bigger problem. Because someone admits they are ill does not mean that it is a negavtive thing. To me it is a very positive step in being well. I am not saying think about this all day long and focusing on being ill, I am saying for me accepting that I am ill has allowed me to relax and accept that I am not perfect and this is what I have. In life we all have something that we are coping with. This is what I have and this is a disorder. I can and have done amazing things while in the grips of this illness. When I sat down and read an article I had written that was published I thought to myself wow the doctors said I would write again some day and I did regardless whether I was ill or not. I am not ashamed to be ill, it is okay to say one is ill. Knowing and saying this to myself has not made my condition worse it has allowed me to look at my life and see how I can make it better knowing I have an illness that is very difficult to cope with but that I will become stronger and more educated and someday be able to help others when they feel they cannot do it alone. It is not a weakness to admit you are sick, it is a strength. My personal view is that this illness does not change it's face whether you say you are ill or not, it is there and saying it does not mean it is a negative thought. What it says to me is well another day is here and yep the dp is here right along beside me and today I know I have it and I know it hurts but someday I will be able to look in the mirror and say goodbye to the dp that stood beside me and admit that it is was part of who I am at this point in my life and some day it will not be and then and only then will I be able to say I am no longer ill or suffer a disorder.

gem.

 

[Guest]

Gem:

At this point of my life if I say I am not ill then I believe I have a bigger problem. Because someone admits they are ill does not mean that it is a negative thing. To me it is a very positive step in being well. I am not saying think about this all day long and focusing on being ill, I am saying for me accepting that I am ill has allowed me to relax and accept that I am not perfect and this is what I have.

I think I know what you are saying, Gem
I have often told myself that Im not ill, because admitting is tells me that Im a weak and failed person (like my mother was, there's all kinds of reasons NOT to admit to it for me personally, all kinds of judgements I have about being ill). Also I couldnt really see I was ill, I thought I only have major issues. But this week something changed.
As strange as it may sound, to me acknowledging Im ill, opens new doors (that sounds like a lot of good is waiting for me in my healing process, which I doubt will happen soon..lol), but I feel a relaxation in not having to proove to myself anymore that I have everything under control and that Im not a weak person. Im not a weak person, I know that.
But the denial of me having an illness has kept me stuck in my process.

Having made a start in admitting to it, makes me feel more honest with myself and the grief and sadness of what I really feel inside, about whats really wrong, about what Im really hurting about, is accepted. I dont know, it feels good to acknowledge this reality and at the same time it makes me feel sad, because I see how much work I still need to do.

But I think I get what you are saying Gem. Thanks for writing about how you look at having your illness, that has helped.

Wendy

 

[Guest]

Although we each here share a common bond- we are all different in our experiences and how we arrived here. I am glad that some people are comfortable with the word"illness" and do not see it as a negative. I merely point out that there are others of us that feel differently. As for myself, all my life I have equated illness with being sick; and that was never good. However if you ask my 12 year old son- he thinks it's cool to be sick because you get to miss school!! (This is coming from a little boy who spent the first 2 months of his life in the ICU because he was ill.)
I am not afraid to consider that I may have an illness - I just prefer not to think of it that way because it makes me feel SAD. I prefer not to make myself any sadder at this point. For me - a little laughter and alot of therapy is the best medicine.
Since I have begun my journey to try and understand DP, it seems to me that so many people refer to this "disorder, illness" etc. in such a cavalier way that they may not realize those words may hold more harm and fright
for some folks ( if not themselves). A wise doctor once advised me "choose the kinder, gentler words - for the wrong words can wound and the right words can heal"and I suggest that for consideration. With that we need to respect our differences and know that what works for some does not always work for all.

 

[Guest]

For what it's worth, I consider my ability to endure DP, along with living a regular life, shows that I am very, very strong. I think it safe to say that many others would have given up long ago. I have not. I continue on - even though. This requires great strength, as well as great hope. Both positives attributes.
I use the word "wacky" to describe my mental state of affairs. I know some people find this negative, but to me, I'm thinking "wacky" more along the lines of Donald Duck or something. Almost a term of endearment really.
Yes, I am ill. My mind is not functioning in a healthy, balanced manner. A person with cancer is ill. Their body is not functioning in a healthy, balanced manner. As far as potential for suffering, etc., I see few differences between the two. They are both illnesses, with the major difference being that the cancer patient gets more credit.
I am ill - that is a simple fact. Ignoring it would be silly. On the other hand, I don't seem to receive any benefit from being able to accept my illness.
What DOES help sometimes is to know there are others like me. I can interact with such people here. If someone is more comfortable thinking about this as an illness, that's great. If someone would rather interpret things in a different way, that's great too. We're each individuals. Yet we become part of a group when it comes to DP/DR.
I'm just thankful for this site, and the people on it.

 

[gem]

sc, you wrote that beautifully.

gem.