[rainboteers]

It seems like others here feel much better the more they engage in and get back to their lives.

but not me.....

The harder I try to do things, the more aware I am that something is wrong, which depresses me so much. I keep hearing to go out with my friends and family because it will help, yet when I do that I feel worse. :?

The more I'm around them, the more I'm hurt, because something has changed, I can not connect to them, and I can't feel the interaction anymore. This is by far my worst symptom. In fact I could handle all the rest if this would go away.

Am I one of the only ones that feels worse the more I try and do? Any advice? If i push through it and force myself to do it no matter how painful, will it eventually get easier, or am I breaking my heart for nothing? I hope this makes sense, these thoughts and feelings can be so hard to describe. :?

 

[whiterabbit]

You are making perfect sense to me - I have just come back from forcing myself to meet up with a friend and just spend some time at her flat, playing board games - not difficult one would imagine - but every second of it was strangely hard having to overcome the feeling of disconnection, and of not being there, to concentrate, to talk and respond, it was all inexplicably hard - she knows I have this problem, which I suppose makes it easier theoretically but not really in the moment so to speak. Does it help? Well no it doesn't relieve the state immediately, but if I had not done that I would have stayed in all day and got completely overwhelmed by the monologue and the emptiness - this way I have given myself a real experience which although it feels like nothing inwardly, actually does give me SOMETHING back, an outer expereince (albeit an odd one) which is outside of the loop of the illness. Like you I am very reluctant to engage when dp'ed, I used to completely shut myself away for six months at a stretch and just stare at the wall until the damn thing lifted. I have learnt though that interaction is important to speeding up its departure (saying this of course I fervently believe that this latest episode will never leave me and it is all futile!) - but objectively and from expereince, I know that it does help. But I know exactly what you mean about it making things worse, having people around, especially people you are close to but can't connect with, does make it seem worse, because it heightens your awareness of the state. But do keep trying, rainbo, because part of the solution to disconnection is connection - and it is one bloody big owwwwwwwwwwwch, but don't lose hope. Sarah x

 

[Universal]

Hi Rainboteers! Don't give up, you're doing great. The key is to FLOAT past recovery, don't force it. As I'm reading this book called Hope And Help For Your Nerves, it says you should not fight your illness. You have to Face, Accept, Float, let time pass. Let time heal the wounds. Don't allow the panic to get to you, but the only way you can do this is if you are accepting it, floating past it. Don't fight it, it's so important not to fight. The more you fight the more you will feel the panic. Float, accept it.

 

[wadey3]

Leaving my house is hard enough at the mo. I can't seem to connect to anything, talking to strangers for longer than is absolute neccessary is ni-on impossible, even the most ordinary tasks are there to trip me up. The running around in my nut is all i can handle and not very well, I feel like a near dead carcass watching the vultures circle, admiring their plummage but unable to fend off the inevitability. what am i responding to, me can't remember, my spelling gone to shit.

wade

 

[university girl]

rain, i always tell others that when i go out, i feel worse, not better. i prefer to stay at home because my symptoms are not as bad here. when i go out, i suffer tremendously. i avoid socializing.

 

[rainboteers]

Thanks for responses, is good and bad to see I'm not alone in this feeling.

Don't allow the panic to get to you, but the only way you can do this is if you are accepting it, floating past it. Don't fight it, it's so important not to fight. The more you fight the more you will feel the panic. Float, accept it.

Universal,
That sounds great but how do you not let this get to you? If that is the way to recover, there is no way. I will never feel this and it not bother me, I believe that would be impossible for me.... :?

 

[rainboteers]

I know exactly what you mean about it making things worse, having people around, especially people you are close to but can't connect with, does make it seem worse, because it heightens your awareness of the state. But do keep trying, rainbo, because part of the solution to disconnection is connection - and it is one bloody big owwwwwwwwwwwch, but don't lose hope. Sarah x

That is exactly how I feel , and I will keep trying, but OUCH OUCH OUCH is right.

 

[Sojourner]

rainbowteers,

I'm confused, are you having panic attacks or a feeling of numbness? They are, to me, two quite different things, and now I'm confused...

 

[rainboteers]

I have both some numbness and some panic attacks, as well as lots of other symptoms. I am confused as well....... :?

Basically Sojourner I am a complete, total, utter, mess of a person right now, and have been for the past 6 months.

 

[Guest]

Rainbooters, that is a cool name by the way. I wonder if we are trying too hard and putting too much pressure on ourselves when we try to act like everything is okay around other people and that is what makes our symptoms worse. Because even though we are getting out of the house and interacting with people, I still think that we are scrutinizing even more so to make sure that everything we do or say is "normal". Just a thought. I can completely understanding and agree with everything you posted though. Take care of yourself.
Kate

 

[rainboteers]

Yes that is a big part of it.... like a self-fullfilling prophecy. We expect for things to feel messed up, so they always are. Got to switch over to more positive thinking. :roll:

Went out and of course everthing was fine and I did feel better for it. Still felt weird but it's never as bad as I think it is going to be. Just getting started seems to be the hardest thing for me...

Lately I feel so up down and thrown around. I just feel like my emotions (or at times) lack there of are taking me for a ride... I hope thats common while getting through this :? It's nice that things get better for awhile, but the higher you climb the harder the fall.....

and I really want off this ride completely :wink: