[shadowness]

i feel like i am shutting down...

i have a continuous headache and constant dizziness and disorientation...
my body feels so weak and numb and aches all the time...
my joints are so painful and have that heavy feeling...
everything, everyone and myself are just slipping more and more everyday...
everything feels like it is getting more and more unfamiliar...
i cannot stop thinking about how and why i do things...
i cannot seem to accept that i am me, and that is all i will ever be...
i cannot accept life nor can i accept other peoples lives...
i cannot make decisions without questioning why and how did i think about it...

i am trying...i am REALLY trying and nothing changes...

i have changed my life around...i am doing new things and meeting new people...i have responcibilities and commitments...my diet is more healthy and i am exercising far more....i am getting out doing things by myself again...

but they all feel comepletely worthless, pointless and foreign....everything i do is just scary, odd and does not seem to make any sense...

i do not know what to feel anymore....i do nto feel genuinely happy or sad or whatever...just numb, detached and depressed....

how do i carry on living when feeling all this? i feel like i am either shutting down or about to shut down...whether that means break down or snap into another form of conciousness/awareness i do not know...

all i know is that at the moment life means nothing to me....and that scares me and makes me feel bad...

sorry about this post but i had to get it down....i cancelled my appointment with my therapist today as i really do not feel like talking about this...but i just needed to get it down somewhere...

thank you for reading and any comments would be appreciated....

take care all...

 

[Guest]

First off- try to calm yourself. take a deep breath and try not to think so much...it is the curse of this that we thini about it too much- as i have said before--we all need to stop giving dp/dr the upper hand by crediting them so much with our thoughts. Just rememebr that people here can help- I always feel better after i read responses to posts--reminds me that people are listening..when you feel they are not. I would advise you to call your thereapist back and scedule your appt though....it is the worst of days when we need it the most. ESPECIALLY if you are this down. a professional will(hopefully) be able to clear your mind. If not- just picture them naked running around screaming while they are filling your head with pshyco-babble. that will occupy your mind. i have done that before! i am thinking of you...and remember that you are stil alive- and still real..dont let this take you over. we are ALL better than that. try and take a nap as well-- or a hot bath!? hope this helps--maybe not..good luck

 

[terri*]

Hi Shadowness,

I just wanted to let you know I read your post and am sorry these times are so difficult for you.

I am glad you had a place to come and write down all that you are feeling. There were many times, when I had not come to grips with this damn disorder, where I too roared in anger and fear. Mine was usually done huddled on the bathroom floor because I had no outlet, noone I could tell, no place to go and scream it out.

I hope you reach a time of acceptance. From your writing you certainly are doing everything possible. The last thing you have to do is...let it go. Just let it go and accept what is for what is. To challenge it, to demand that you cannot accept it, is to keep hold of it.

I hope that all your work will soon bring you some peace. Don't give up the good fight.

Most sincerely,
terri*

 

[Chris]

Hey Shadow, I wish I could tell ya everything is gonna be ok but I'm going through the exact same thing you are going through. Its 6am right now and Im alone, in my living room, with this fucking constant inner dialouge. like theres 2 people in my head. Everything is so godamn foreign. It's getting worse and worse by the day and I'm seriously in fear for my life. Because this isnt going away. It's not gonna go away. No amount of calming down is gonna change that. DP is hell.

 

[dreamcatcher]

shadowness.....

you have been at this point before many many months ago and you did improve.....i know the fear has never gone away but you have been focusing on so many other things with starting work and getting out and about.....see it as a minor set back.....in a few days you will be back up a level again.....i aren't saying you will be better but you'll be back doing your thing without the constant analazing........you have been doing really well.....dont let it win.....take control.....i know you can do it

 

[shadowness]

thank you everyone for your replies...

i am not actually sure what is scarier...

feeling as though everything is unreal...or feelings as though this is all real...

i just cannot seem to accept reality a dnthat this is life and that this is what everything is...

i know i am just thinking too deep into everything....but the majority of the time i am thinking about other things...but the way i feel is so odd...my body feels like it is weighted down...it is actually getting harder to physically move...

i hope i can feel ok again...i am so sick of this...dp is the worst thing i have ever experienced...beyond any form of pain i have had....

i hate this change in perspective...i am fed up with looking at my friends and family and feeling as though i have never seen them before as if they and the world around me are completely new...

i am fed up with feeling as though i am being reborn everyday into a world that i am detached from....

thanks again people for replying...i really appreciate it...

 

[g-funk]

Yeah Shadowness, you disappeared for a while, did you get a bit better? It certainly sounds like you are trying very hard to get on with your life. It might feel that right now all those things are not worth it but they are - remember not to trust the incessant questioning in your head. You just need to calm down and things will fall back into perspective. It is a vicious circle. Keep trying, just ignore it and try not to let it bother you, remember nothing is going to 'happen' to you, other than feeling truly sh*t. Keep going!

Missed the cheerleading you were so good at! :wink:

 

[shadowness]

Yeah Shadowness, you disappeared for a while, did you get a bit better?

yeah i lost my internet connection for ages and then my computer went odd and then i got a volenteer job in my local town...

i have been desperately trying to help myself...get out more...do more things...be more healthy...have more fun...but to be honest nothing has changed no matter how much i have changed my life so far...

i have not got better at all...nothing has lifted....nothing has got any easier....i now just simply do more whilst still thinking and feeling constant dp and dr....i have tried just faking to be happy...anything to feel better...but nothing has seemed to have worked...

and now my financial probs are very severe...

life is not good at all right now...but what can i do right now to change all that? nothing...

nice to come back here every so often though....

great to hear from you all

 

[Guest]

you sound like you are in benzo or ad withdrawal seriously. are you taking any meds like these? if si, you might be in severe tolerance w/d....sounds all too familiar

 

[shadowness]

you sound like you are in benzo or ad withdrawal seriously. are you taking any meds like these? if si, you might be in severe tolerance w/d....sounds all too familiar

i have not taken any meds for about 5 months...and even that was only one Clomipramine as i had a mild allergic reaction to it...

it was a drug induced trauma that first gave me dr and dp....that was about 9 month ago now....i had a severe allergic reaction to Effexor (Venlafaxine) and was nearly hospitalised...

i have never taken benzos...and only been on 2 anti depresents but that was about 11 months ago before the Effexor...

 

[[rula]]

shadowness, i've been where you are a few times before, it sucks. all i can say is that maybe eating healthier and doing more things isn't really enough if DP is always on your mind. i know two ppl who are now DP-Free and they did it by beleiving they're getting better, and by daily affirmations that they repeated even on really bad days when they didn't see any hope. i know it sounds cheesy, but it's really a form of CBT, replacing the obsessive negative thoughts with better ones.

"...When you go to a doctor, s/he prescribes a medication for you to take, or a treatment you will undergo, your body starts the healing process before the medicine is in your system or the exercise or surgical procedure has taken place. For most people, just seeing a doctor gives confidence that healing will occur. Depending on the patient?s cultural background, this is true whether the physician is a neurosurgeon at the Mayo Clinic or a tribal witch doctor. This is attributable to an extraordinary healing ability of the body by a process known as the placebo effect. What happens is that healing starts when you believe it will occur. Your mind buys into it and your body makes it happen. The great physician and humanitarian, Dr. Albert Schweitzer, gives us this insight - "The witch doctor succeeds for the same reason all the rest of us (medical doctors) succeed. Each patient carries his own doctor inside himself. They come to us not knowing that truth. We are at our best when we give the doctor who resides within each patient a chance to go to work."

simply doing the "right" things cuz someone said it helped them isn't enough. i have to ask too, are you on benzos? sounds like some things are withdrawal/tolerance maybe. -rula

 

[shadowness]

simply doing the "right" things cuz someone said it helped them isn't enough. i have to ask too, are you on benzos? sounds like some things are withdrawal/tolerance maybe. -rula

thank you for your reply rula....

if you look above your previous post i have actually answered that question...

i have never taken benzos...and only been on 2 anti depresents but that was about 11 months ago before the Effexor...

the last tablet i took was about 5 months ago and that was just the one...

but over 7 months i tried 11 different types of meds for anxiety before taking the Effexor....some which did nothing....some which i had severe reactions from...

 

[kenc127]

hey shadow

I too have lots of physical symptoms lately along with my DP. When the DP first started, it was purely a mental thing. I wasn't depressed, just completely anxious and panicked 24/7. Something happened though over the past few weeks. I started getting REALLY achy all the time. I felt like I weighed a ton, and I always felt nauseated, depressed, tired, and confused. I tried St. John's Wort and it seemed to alleviate many of the physical symptoms, but I'm still a mess. I hope knowing that another person in here is going through something similar will help you some. Good luck.

Ken

 

[shadowness]

kenc127...thank you for your reply...

i know what you mean...

just started with anxiety and panicy feelings and then all of a sudden things seem to escallate into loads of physical symptoms and emotional frictions...

i have never taken St Johns Wort....i might have a go at it...

thanks again to everyone who has replied in this thread...i really appreciate it

 

[Guest]

I like your sig, shadow.

And I know how you feel. You too, Kenny.

I took St. Johns wort when I was first feeling depressed. A loooong time ago. 5 years maybe? And I actually think it helped. I used to take that and Valerian root on occassion and I remember it actually working.

I haven't really taken it since then for whatever reason, maybe I read something that turned me off of it. Anyway, I also used to take SAM-e, a green herb multi-v super foods vitamin, and salmon oil in conjunction. It could be placebo or it couldn't but I thought that helped as well. At the very least, I know I felt better then than I do now. I need to go buy some more actually.

Take care.