Beyond loneliness

Wendy said:

I tried to describe it to my therapist as standing in the desert, as a small child, all alone, with no life there, calling out if there is anyone there. And then I call, and there is noone there.

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Wow, you described exactly my deepest fear regarding the chance of becoming DR-free. I feel in that case, if the icy wall melted completely away, I would have nobody to talk to how good I would feel, finally being alive again.

I may feel like this because nobody I have ever met and connected with has never experienced this isolating icy wall for many years and then got rid of it, or that's how I have figured it out (I may be wrong). So deep inside I prefer this icy wall, instead of getting rid of it. And what is sad in this situation - in this way I make my life much more desolate compared to how it could be... It is like I prefer living in a cage or a glass cube and only watching the life through my eyes, instead of really living and feeling the life around me.

My psyche is weird, as I feel my greatest fear is really being alone in the world (I don't mean this in a philosophical sense, but rather in the sense of interacting with other people), and cuz of my fear I isolate myself from other people with DR, for not to feel completely alone. This fear is totally irrational, and although I try to tell myself that the hypothetical disappearance of DR won't make myself feeling alone, but possibly more in touch with my loved ones and other people, I still prefer staying in my icy cube of DR.

My fear in nutshell is that I am scared of nobody welcoming me back to life, if the icy wall of DR once melted away... And what is crazy: it is mostly this fear that keeps the icy walls of DR alive in me, and DR makes my interaction with other people always detached in some way or other. It is a 'safety blanket' for this fear of being totally alone - it feels like I would be alone in the empty desert my eyes closed, as I don't want to know being all alone and DR makes it bearable (eyes closed). At least this is how I have figured it out.

And at the same time, rationally thinking I know I am not alone, I am not living in a desert but among other people... I know many people have already noticed that this fear is useless, also here in this message board. But my rational thinking never reaches the fear deep inside...

Wendy said:

What would happen if there was someone to hear my call?
Would I accept it? -- So the question is, if its ok to ask: what would happen with you Really (or what do you expect to happen with you) if you actually DO get the welcome?

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Hi Wendy, I really am not sure about it... I have sometimes thought about one imaginary situation: me standing in the edge of a cliff, and someone asking me to grab her/his hand. If I choose to accept the call and the welcome back to life, my DR would disappear and I would be alive again, but if I don't, I have to jump off the cliff and die.

I realized that I would rather die than accept the welcome, if the person cannot fathom how deep the change in my consciousness really would be in that moment. And after I realized this, I thought it is crazy, as noone can ever expect that much understanding from someone else, to really know my feelings before and after derealization. So I wish to experience something that is never possible...

As a 4-year-old child I had a friend, when I lived in Norway with my parents. She was somehow exactly "in the same wave-lenghts" with me, and though I spoke Finnish to her and she spoke Norwegian to me, we understood perfectly each other. I knew when she wanted to draw or go to the kiosk buying sweets or to play at keeping shop in the garden. When we returned back to Finland after a year, I used to write letters with my Norwegian friend, until for some reason we stopped being pen pals when we became teenagers.

Maybe I expect some kind of connection to happen, which I experienced as a small child in Norway, but at the same time I know it just isn't possible. I have a loving boyfriend, a couple of very good friends and loving parents and little siblings, so I should feel at ease with them. But still I am afraid of being alone in the world - deep inside I fear most of feeling alone with other people, especially with the loved ones...

I realize this fear is crazy, but what to do for it? It is so easy to live my life derealized, as I have got used to living in this state, but at the same time I hope some miracle to happen someday in the future - that for some reason or another my fear of being alone would stop. I wish I someday would find enough self-esteem (or whatever it is I need) that I would start feeling I can handle the experience of becoming DR-free without expecting my boyfriend to become supernaturally sensitive, so he could welcome me back to life.

I don't know, but I think perhaps this fear inside needs just time and active headwork to diminish - maybe if I somehow would be able to tell myself I needn't fear feeling alone, my DR would disappear someday...? All in all - I'm sure it will take many years for it to happen. Let's see...