Wow, you described exactly my deepest fear regarding the chance of becoming DR-free. I feel in that case, if the icy wall melted completely away, I would have nobody to talk to how good I would feel, finally being alive again.Wendy said:I tried to describe it to my therapist as standing in the desert, as a small child, all alone, with no life there, calling out if there is anyone there. And then I call, and there is noone there.
I may feel like this because nobody I have ever met and connected with has never experienced this isolating icy wall for many years and then got rid of it, or that's how I have figured it out (I may be wrong). So deep inside I prefer this icy wall, instead of getting rid of it. And what is sad in this situation - in this way I make my life much more desolate compared to how it could be... It is like I prefer living in a cage or a glass cube and only watching the life through my eyes, instead of really living and feeling the life around me.
My psyche is weird, as I feel my greatest fear is really being alone in the world (I don't mean this in a philosophical sense, but rather in the sense of interacting with other people), and cuz of my fear I isolate myself from other people with DR, for not to feel completely alone. This fear is totally irrational, and although I try to tell myself that the hypothetical disappearance of DR won't make myself feeling alone, but possibly more in touch with my loved ones and other people, I still prefer staying in my icy cube of DR.
My fear in nutshell is that I am scared of nobody welcoming me back to life, if the icy wall of DR once melted away... And what is crazy: it is mostly this fear that keeps the icy walls of DR alive in me, and DR makes my interaction with other people always detached in some way or other. It is a 'safety blanket' for this fear of being totally alone - it feels like I would be alone in the empty desert my eyes closed, as I don't want to know being all alone and DR makes it bearable (eyes closed). At least this is how I have figured it out.
And at the same time, rationally thinking I know I am not alone, I am not living in a desert but among other people... I know many people have already noticed that this fear is useless, also here in this message board. But my rational thinking never reaches the fear deep inside...