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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Janine put up a most beautiful post earlier. It's her mom's birthday, and everyone should read it.
Not wanting to do anything other than respect what she put up, I'm starting a separate thread on my experience with being a parent, and being DP'ed.

So.......and this may get long........

It's hard. Really, really hard. I assume being a parent under any circumstance is difficult, but with the added challenge of doing it while you think you may go crazy just any second now.......

Mostly, I am afraid. Afraid of leaving them without a father.
What if I go crazy and die?
Sure, they never would have been born were it not for me, but I can't help but think they deserve way better than they got. I do my best - try to spend as much time with them as possible, try to be their friend, try to help them with things. People often mention what a good dad I seem to be. On the other hand, my wife is constantly telling me to quit being their buddy - "you're supposed to be their dad, not their best friend." She thinks we gang up on her sometimes :)

But I'm not really here. I am DP.

I remember when we first found out we were going to be parents. A combination of joy, and sheer terror. I was fairly new to the whole DP thing yet, but was afraid enough to have that thought, that constant mental companion -
What if I go crazy and die?

When their little, kids are very amazing. Before they become too polluted by life they can accept anything. Even a wacko dad. I remember spending as much time with them as I could, even at the expense of work. Go in a little late, come home a little early. Some loooooong lunches, just so I could spend time with my kids. While there was still enough of me left you know. All the time wondering how much longer I could keep faking. That I was even here.

Along with the fear comes bunches and bunches of guilt. I'm sure all parents feel guilt sometimes, but the guilt I'm talking about comes more from some dreaded future event: leaving them without a father. Their good kids, and deserve better than that.
I feel very guilty.

Both of my boys seem to be good at sports. Particularly basketball. Every evening this time of year, one or the other has a game or practice I go to. This is my first year not coaching, and to be honest I miss it. I'm still at all the games and whatnot, but I miss teaching. There's not all that many things I know how to do well, but basketball is one of them.
My youngest is very tall for his age and is coming along nicely. My oldest has probably topped out at 6'2", but for a point guard that's plenty. Only a sophomore, he's a starter on Varsity. Even been talked about in the sports section of the newspaper a few times already.

Was watching a game the other night. One of the thousand or so I've been too between my two boys. My oldest with the ball, big, mean senior guarding him. Taunting him....."what ya gonna do now little man?, let's see what you got...." One fake, two fakes - oh, not a fake after all....beautiful spin move worthy of the best ballet dancer. My boy is in for an easy lay-up (two handed dunk even), leaving the other guy with his shorts around his ankles.
Guess what happened then? I started to cry. Both because I'm the one who taught him that move, and because I was afraid that might be the last time I'd ever see it. I'm crying right now just thinking about it.
What if I go crazy and die?

Mmmmm. I am having a difficult time with this. Difficult to really think about. Makes me feel overwhelmed to know these two beautiful young men are depending on me to be their dad. And I may be gone soon.

enough for now. Just some thoughts on what it's like, for me anyway, to be a parent with DP. Certainly not my best piece of writing, and sorry it turned into a downer.

· Registered
103 Posts
Thank you SC for starting this thread because being a mummy is the most important thing in my life. Being a parent and being DP/DR for me has become so significant to the whole experience.

I wonder if the stress and responsibility of being a parent (within some difficult circumstances) was what finally crossed me over. You see I dont 'feel' along with the distorted awareness that dissociating brings. Whereas before I felt a lot.
I had a dog 'eric' (you can see him in my avater left) and he was my first baby. My heart would swell in my chest to see him and when he was unwell I became down too.
This sensitivity while enhancing lifes experience also makes us very vulnerable. I believe that I couldnt afford to feel that much and function, caring for my boys at the same time. I had already had a breakdown years earlier and couldnt afford to induldge in that sort of 'time out' again so my mind took leave and left behind an automatron to meet the needs of eveyday life.
If I did feel it would upset me that I dont experience these feelings for my babys but I know that they are my biggest love and I strive evey day and week and month to regain my emotion. It is beautiful to read your description of your love for your boys and I can appreciate that on an intellectual level without being touched. As I read your post I think thats what I want not just to know you love them beyond all else but to feel it.

Worry and guilt are still present, if dilute, and my grandest worry being that my eldest son is very sensitive (for a five year old! :) ) And that somehow I might perpetuate the mental ilness within him, what if i ruin my boys by not making things right?

(Apologies for the 'dullness' of my post, I think thats why I dont post much everything I try to express 'feels' insincere, no subjectivity to flesh out or convict . Im not motivated to say much these days, the frustration is of still trying to use a language of colour when the view is very much black and white.)

Discussion Starter · #3 ·
sc, that was also beautiful (I know you get all confused with compliments, grin...but I really mean it).

As I am not a parent (well, except a canine mom) I can only say that ANY responsibility we humans undertake of any significance (parenting, dog loving, etc.) is terrifying. We are asking someone we love to need us, and then we realize we can't even fully guarantee our own existence let alone our strength. We're idiots, ever imagine that ANYthing should need us.

But it is the value of this life. If we didn't have the "insanity" to undertake such things, we'd hardly matter.

Your boys have already received SO much from you (and I know that also scares you, lol...but I meant it in a good way). Even IF you were to "go away" into that abyss of death or madness that you fear, they are strong and will survive you. You love them. THAT alone can be enough to keep a person afloat, long after old age has taken their caretakers. ANd I am sure that's how you'll die - old and a bit cranky, and probably still pretty darn handsome, well...for a toothless wonder who likes to post photos of himself on the retirement home bulletin board.

Love you,
admire you,

· Registered
1,479 Posts
sc, what has kept me on this planet for the past many moons is my daughter. at my craziest, most awful moments in hell, the thought of her always brought me back. i can bet this has happened with you too. please quit seeing yourself going somewhere. see yourself being where you are now...with your sons, tearing up at that wonderful moment. sc, there are so many more wonderful moments to come. oh my God, you are not even going to believe the other neat things you get to see them accomplish. i have had dr to the max and still put one foot in front of the other to do high school graduation, college graduation, marriage ( that one about did me in...i was giving out k to the florist! ) and now a grandmother to be. sc, it is awesome, just awesome. look to that kind of future and stop with the other thoughts. it is a mindset and you know it. you know it.

Berlin, you are right that all caring parents are concerned over all aspects of parenting and how it affects your children. though we "feel" like we do when we parent, our children do not see our dp/dr any more then adults do. you will love your son and all will be well. if he does in fact have the extra sensitivity, you will be able to steer him thru it with your own knowledge. we are the bows as they are the arrows.

Janine, sc posting pictures on the retirement home bullentin board. LMAOATPIMP !!!

i will end by sending positive thoughts to all the parents who read this board. it is a challenge, but then it is a challenge for anybody. every age of parenting a child is a challenge. be consistent and let them know you love them and even during the rockiest of times, you will somehow make your way thru it.

we are all so much stronger than we ever perceive ourselves to be.

Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hi DP parents,

I belong to this group. Sadly, my illness began there. But.... I can't stop loving my son and never, never I thought it was his fault. I blamed the delivery, the meds, but not him. He is too handsome, and he's my kid.

I just am not able to think of him like, when he will be 12 years old, 18, ... that makes me so sad. Because I think I will be ill again. (very optimistic). I think of him day by day. And take care of him day by day.

I really hope one day I will be able to really have fun to be a mother. I love him, sure. But for now, I don't enjoy life, and don't really enjoy parent's responsibilities. My favotires moments are when we cuddle, and when he smiles at me, when we play (sometimes), and when I sleep near him.

There are good moments, I approve. But it makes me sad that my dp problem began with delivery. I wanted lot of kids.. now . not sure...

C xxx
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