[soulsearcher]

This is how I have overcome my significant problems within my mind...

One day I just wanted to write down a journal on what I felt... I dug deep into my mind, questioning reality and so forth, but I wrote all of thoughts on microsoft word.

Well, ever since starting to do so, I have been very much at ease.. Its been a while since I have got a panic attack... a confusion attack... The longest period of ease since I developed dp...

I feel like I have definitely got through my dp....

in you journal, Get everything out... Write out the paradoxes you find and invent, write everything - Satisfy you need to think...

I really hope this helps whoever that reads this..

Below are my journals so far.. For about 2 weeks.. Actually I cut it down for being paranoid about someone finding out who I am..

This is my saviour, but it might not be yours.... good luck

What the hell is happening to me??

Am I involved with a certain someone or not?.... If I am involved, in what way am I involved… I am attracted to him/her?? What is it that drives me?? Is it passion or hate, but isn't hate fuelled by passion.. Is everything passion… Is everyone and everything fuelled by passion? Hence, is the concept of free will overrated?? Could free will be overrated or even non-existent??

Look at my hands, are they real? Or are they a projection of my mind.. It is a possibility as it has been proved that we still cannot fathom how our mind functions.. But then, what is real?? Is there such a thing called reality?? Is reality all about a mental projection?? What if we change our mental projections??

What do I feel right now?? What can I feel right now?? Do I feel like masturbating, or just keeping on writing and adding to this journal.. Do I feel like reading Lord Denning's book??? Certainly not.. Fuck it.. I really don't feel like it.. When I try to feel like it, I always monitor myself.. Fuck, it was so annoying those days.. Anyways, I'm happy now that I've finally found my leading passion - "Self-analysis"… Fuck its awesome… I might not succeed but if I go on I'll be occupied with for the rest of my life… I will probably be able to help others with my own analysis into the depths of my mind.. fucking hell, my mind is tired now.. I'm worried that I might get confused when I'm around others.. Fuck it, that's because I don't want to be around others.. I want to analyse myself infinitely.. Fuck I love it.. It gives me an absolute awesome rush.. I've never felt so absorbed by anything before this except on a few occasions, like when listening to songs and shit.. Or even solving a challenging and truly inspiring song… fuck, sluttyred is getting pretty boring for me now.. It really is, the whole lay out of the website is so fucked up.. ugly fucking shit..

Now why the hell am I thinking about these things?? Is it because is interests me, or does it represent a doubt in me about whats real etc?? AM I doing this to feel like getting tired of this.. I c ertainly hope not.. god has given birth to me for a purpose, and I am fulfilling my purpose.. My purpose is to be wise, wise as hell…

Is pain overrated?? To hell it isn't..Or is it?? Is it possible to reach a mental state that you numb the feeling of pain??

Seriously what the fuck is Arsene Wenger even thinking?? Is such a fucking snuggle*.. Mental strength.. What fucking bullshit… hehe.. He only talks about mental strength because his team is so weak and meek.. Fabregas is the only man in that team… Possibly Squillaci as well.. But who else.. Masculinity is clearly lacking.. Fucking pansy arsenal.. like me, I'll probably fit int to that squad any day because I'm a pansy.. that's what I get for not fuelling my passion…. Fuck… I might have stood a small chance of being not a pansy if I actually fuelled this passion of mine..

I FUCKING LOVE THIS!!!

Cheryl Cole… hmmm…. Was fucking gorgeous to me a few months ago… But somethings missing now.. somethings severly missing.. Is that proof for not… Fuck, I'll Fuck Nicole.. Fuck she's amazing.. She needs a nose job though.. However, then I'll know that she had a nose job in turn… which might not be that hot to me… But, I'll fuck her nevertheless..

..

Arsenal, what a fucking pansy team… why the fuck am I thinking about this.. About how this affect me… This is my passion… Fuck, wh bcan't I think straight man.. I'm not confused, I'm thinking straight… Straight as a fucking die… There isn't anything to confused about..

I wonder what the Fuck was going through ----------'s mind when I came to her room… Think she wanted to fuck me??? Nah… doubt it.. Fucking ugly bitch…

Oh -------------.. Are we actually meant for each other.. She loves me so much.. But do I love her.. Do I know what love feels like.. I've been so fucking confused for too long.. How the fuck am I going to break up with her??

I am actually thinking of whether this is my passion.. Fine, lets not put a word on it shall we?? Fuck it, but then how the fuck am I supposed to express myself to myself?? Ha ha… What a fucking paradox.. Am I supposed

Leaonardo De Caprio is a fucking legend… Plain fycking legend.. FUCKING LEGEND… Sasha Baron cohen is a fucking legend…

Fucker remember, that there is no thought other than what is written here.. Btu then how the fuck am I going to manage in the real world?? Fuck PARADOX!!
Hehe… Fuckig hell man, but seriously man WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? But FUCK it man, this is my passion… Or is it really my passion??

FUCKING stupid mistake..

Is Arsene Wenger gay?? I mean dude, seriously… Look at the guy man… hehehe.. With that gay ass smile… haha..

FUCKING CLIMATE CHANGE…. My poor grand children are going to be affected man… That's severly fucked up… Even though I'm thinking selfishly, it's the truth… one for one's own = all for all… That actually works doesn't it?? Like the free market today.. you need to think of your neighbor as well, for your own safety with priority over your own blood… But then can't the situation just be simplified by just trying to whats right… but then what is right?? Fucking complicated isn't it….

That's what happens to me when I over think thinking about basing my life on doing what is right… super consciousness is fucking stupid… Its FUCKING STUPID!! But what isn't man.. Evrything is stupid.. Everything is stupid.. Or am I just being pessimistic?? FUCK THIS IS AWESOME..

FUCK, fueld the passion buttercup*!!! Fuel it!! Not, oh fuck, I've forgotten what I was thinking about..

… Fucking idiot..

I FUCKING LOVE ARSENAL SO MUCH

Arshavin is one moody motherfucker… hehe..

Ewhat what what, what am I thinking about?? Fuck it, I need to sleep…

FUCKING THINKIG IS AMAZING… I love this.. Or do I… hmmm…. How do I know Whether I love this or not.. Why the fuck am I doing it right now aanyway with absolute clarity f thought… Fuck man, I love over-analysing…

Fuck Paranormal activity was scary… Not goint to fucking think about it anymore…

Also, I'm writing this here cuz I don't want to get caught of even thinking about this… I'm even thinking of deleting it afterwards… oh bloody hell.. Well, am I bi-sexual?? There we go plain and frank… Am I bi-sexual… I feel like my eyes are drawn towards man but I would never do anything to with that man… I wouldn't check out the way I would check out a girl… O r would I… I honestly don't know… I just find it disgusting doing anything sexual in nature with them… I think I actually do… Phew that's a relief.. Or am I just tricking myself into believing that??? Alrighty… I felt like kissing Milinda when I was small… But for heaven's sake I was small back thennn Fuck it, I might have not been thinking straight… And knowing me, well, I was a confused individual even back then… So basically I might be a little bi-sexual, but juist in a way that my eyes are drawn to them… I would never take the next step… Because it would be unnatural to me… It would be.. Anyways, that's who I am… That's enough analyzing for today…

Need to fucking go to sleep now..

Thank you God fir everything you have given me… You are great.. I love you o much.. Thank you for your guidance..

Dude… Whats going on??? I guess I'm puzzled about me not finishing my composition… Which is absolutely ridiculous… I need to finish the composition fast you fuck… Seriuosly dude… But Machang, I am also really puzzled about my relationship with -----.. How does she love me so much while I feel so uncomfortable sometimes.. Fuck man… This is so confusing… Are we just really good friends?? Or are we even that?? I feel so not in it… You know, that feeling of discomfort.. Its indescribable… My mind tenses up…. I don't know why… Its so fucking frustrating.. Dude, ok, lets be honest, do I love her… What do I love about her… I don't like the way that she holds back… I hate the fact that we don't have a connection in public.. I just wish that she looked up to me… I wish she laughed for everything I said and listened to me.. I wish she accepted me as her leader… Or should she?? Should we be a partnership… Why do you want to compete with her for the attention… Why don't e become one… Or is that who you are??? Of cuk, this is confusing… Or does so much complication mean that's she's not the one for me… Or nshould I just start over?? At least in my mind.. Or should I just go for a break?? Oh dude…. This is frustrating.. Fuck…. What am I to do man? Should I break up with her?? Should I?? oh should I?? oh fuck…. What am I to do…. Shall I just carry on being sad??? Or shall I just ask her for a break so that we can just start over?? Oh God… This is just horrible… Am I repuled by her… By even the thought of her… Why, am I scared… Dude, this is way too complicated man… Should I just ask her whether she actually loves me?? Should I?? Should I just keep this simple and make a few adjustments…. Or just carry on… Oh, I don't know what to do?? O had sexx with her…. How fucking stupid…. Fuck… What am I to do… Just live miserabley… Or shall I just tell her about my problems… I need to tell her about my problems…. Do I just get into a bad mood when she doesn't give me enough attention… Oh man….. Haiyo…. I need to tell her don't I?? Yeah I need to… I need to tell her how I feel…. I need to give it a shot at this.. I need to tell her I feel… Because, eventually, even she would get tired of the relationship when I'm not loving… Haiyo bdude… I just need to tell her I feel… I really do… There is no more answer… I'm relatively certain…I hope I'm right… So is the confusion over…. I have to tell her what I feel… Every other solution is way too complicated …. Haiyo dude…. Ok, I need to tell her how I feel… Haiyo dude… And I want her not to ignore me and I want to stop wanting to grab more attention than her.. I'm so confused man… Oh gosh… I need help God…. I need to tell her man.. I really need to tell her man… When exactly I feel uncomfortable.. haiyo… When do I feel uncomfortable… I feel when she doesn't give me attention… I want to feel like lovers… But first things first… I need to feel good with her in public…. I can't feel uncomfortable and have a fulfilling relationship… Oh gosh… --------… I miss you, I wish I could talk to you about this….I need to tell you what I feel… I really need to tell her what feel… I don't feel lovey dovey with her…. I don't even miss those times when I was in love… And I even… Oh o\gosh I really need ot tell her… I don't know… Its not fair… I want to be a couple.. I want to be open about our relationship… I want to be on the same wave length or evn complementing wave length… Haiyo… I really need to tell her… Tell her now and call her now… No porn… fuck porn… Not now… I want to fight but I still want to be in love and battle my conscience… Haiyo… God, please guide me.. Thank you so much for everything that you have given me God… Thank you, I Love you…. -----, I want to say I love you, but I don't want to say I because I feel bad not saying it… Haiya… God help me.. No porn right…. No, no porn… Fuck porn… I need to go to sleep…. I need ot succeed… I need to tell ---.. God, please let her call me… mPlease…. Please… God, I'm still confused about --… I really need to talk to her… OK dude, I really need to talk to her don't I… I need to tell her how I feel… I need to go to work early as well…. I really need to talk to her,…. First thing after lunch…. About the connection and everything…. We are a couple after all…

Hey broher… I need to finish 15 pages of that book today man…. No matter what happens… I have to… No fucking around… Or shall I do a little bit of law?? No, I'll do that after the new year begins… That would nmake more sense…. I need to focus exlusively on that nuh…. So lets get the day to a start straight away after seeing the two goals!

Alright dude…. Time to kick things off again… I need to tell --- -------- don't I… Teel about wanting to leave…. I need to tell her about wanting to work at a law firm now and get some experience there instead of this… I'm getting no where with it… Its ridiculously boring…

I have to professional about it as well… Go there and no hesitate about it…

Again, I'm doubting the use of this as a mode of motivation… Good question.. Bbut this is not a mode of motivation, it is a very efficient mode of structuring my thoughts…. I need to professional man… I need to do my family and blood proud, and above all my actions have to compliment my drive!!

I need to be realistic… Ok, I need to go no!!! Go!!

Ok dude, first thing - I need to go and speak to -- --------- to about quitting…. But what am I goig to say?? Well I can say that I wont be coming from today onwards as I I am planning to start an internship at a law firm… That I will be bringing a treat for everyone at work tomorrow and a big thanks to everyone for being so nice.. read it again..

Then what about the others.. I would initially have to speak to the others nuh?? Well, I can tell Madhu initially the same thing, that I am going to do an internship at a law firm before leaving and that I wont be coming to work from tomorrow.. Or shall I tell them tomorrow?? Let it be a surprise?? I think I should right?? No I'll tell them today… No need of having any ties…. But I'll tel them that if there I anything t…. Actually fuck it man, I'll sever the ties… Or else its very unprofessional… But I'll also ask Dr. ratnayake if I could join in the future… Yeah that would be great… Anyways, time to go now dude!! Its way too late!!

Go read what I am going to tell -- --------.. again..

Ok dude, time to go!! And no fucking around.. Go straight away and d what you have to do and be professional!! Thoroughly professional… And tell the others after you tell ----------… Now go!!!! You are fuckign late!! Go!!

Go and tell her straight away!!!! No fucking around!

Ok dude, I really need to finish reading this don't I?? Yeah start as soon as possible after finding this bullshit…

Seriously… I can't be fucking bothered… Fuck it…

Ok dude, what else can I do with these 3 hours that I have left??

What can I do?? Go and listen to a consultation…
Read somemore….
Exercise.. possible in about 3 days…
Composing…
Practicing…
Practicing writing…
Practicing speaking…
Practice speaking and writing in Sinhala!! Lot of work to be done there!

So what shall I do right now….

Practicing speaking and writing seem to be the most appropriate things….
So how do we begin…. I think writing would be a better thing to train myself in… awesome….

So what can I write about?? First I have to be able to get a point across… This would help me with law…

Yeah, I'll take a break…

Whats the problem brother??? Now I'm thinking about my life is all about achieving things…. Well, no, it abviosly isn't… I'll make decisions spontaneously and not get too paranoid… My life is going to be planned with various other things to do as well… I have to enjoy my life dude, or else, life isn't worth living.. Ok, so what shall I do now??? I've written something… I now need to write something research oriented.. For that, reading one of -------'s opinions would be awesome… Must first read how he has written that piece.. Ok, lets read that piece now… And I need to read the -------- papers and read some of --------'s briefs and all, and I need to copy them down… Then it'll stick… Anyways, for now lets read ------'s opinion…

I want to be awesome… I want to be a roaring success… I really do brother… Fucking hell I really can't be bothered going to pick --------- up… Fucking nuisance!! Fuck!

Ok take a ten minute break and get back to that… yeah?? Coolios…. Ok, time to get to reading that opinion again.. But seriously man, I can't be fucking bothered.. I'm really not in the mood… Juts need a loger break man… just go for a walk or something….

Alright brother… Time to get to work again…. I need to finish reading that piece…. No pressure… stay calm until you finish it… stay calm..