Joined
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544 Posts
(Depressing Rant Warning)
I've had enough again.
I don't intend to provoke much in writing this. I just need somewhere to vent, just some place where I can write down my thoughts and hopefully get them off my chest.
I'm just at the end of my tether right now. Again. I thought I was there before, many times, and I've got out of it. And I thought I'd overcome the worst of my problems, and assumed that I'd be able to move on. I was wrong. At the end of the day, there's only so much that someone can take.
DP/DR, for me, was just one more problem in a string of many. I haven't been healthy for about the last 3-4 years or so. And it's got so ridiculously unlucky that, if it weren't happening to me, it would almost be funny.
I'd had bad joint pains when I was about 14 - back, knees, you name it. Got told it was "growing pains", or the like. Still, that went away before too long.
I managed to get chronic migraines at about 15. Basically every day. No cause, no reason, no solution. I struggled on anyway. Tried to make the best of things. I lost what could've been a "better life" for about 2 years. What should've been the "best days" was awful. But that ended eventually. Sure I'd had some bad times, but hey, that was what happened to some people. Most people have "bad times". I'd had mine early, and got over it, so I thought. I'd learnt from it, and, hey, there were people much worse off than me.
I got about 6 months with no major problems. I suppose I should've been grateful. It didn't last, however.
Migraines came back. Stayed for a long time, and I assumed I'd hit "rock bottom". At the time I figured things couldn't get much worse.
But somewhere along the line I managed to land myself with a "bad trip" and the resulting symptoms of severe depression, anxiety and severe DP/DR. This was way worse than anything I'd had up till then, as anyone who has these symptoms will know.
But I felt like I had to go on. After suffering for a couple of months I just said to myself: "fuck it"...and I went for a final push to get better. It was worth a shot, I thought. No matter how hard it would be, I knew I had to try.
You have no idea how hard I worked to accomplish this. Bit by bit, over the last 6 months, I've been fighting to achieve some sense of normality. I rigidly kept to an exercise routine, got a healthy diet, worked hard with CBT, "forced" myself to do things in the world in order to alleviate my symptoms. There were many days when I literally could had run home, but made myself do this or that thing - or go out to a certain place, whatever happened.
Sure enough, it paid off in the end. I'd stopped moping around and made positive steps to recover. This last month had been pretty good. I was mostly DP/DR free. Happy, or at least happier than before. Completely relaxed. I felt OK. Not 100%, no. But things were finally shaping up to be alright once again. Brighter days seemed to be ahead.
But if there's one thing I've learnt in life so far, it's never to keep your hopes up. I guess I should have known better.
About 5 days ago I'd started getting a "strobe light" effect in my peripheral vision. It's got worse since, and today I was even having spells of dizziness/vertigo as well. I have no idea what's up this time, but it can't be good. The worst-case scenario seems to be a brain tumour. Even the more likely possibilities, such as a retinal detachment or the possibility that these symptoms are "just there" with no pathological cause are unappeling.
Quite frankly, I've had enough. I've had years of trying only to be beaten back by some illness or other. Every single fucking time. I've got a family that can't wait to see the back of me and dismiss my symptoms as something I'm "making up". I've lost several friends, had other potential relationships not happen. I've lost so many opportunities - so many hopes, dreams and "could have beens".
And on top of all this, I've got my final A-level exams starting in less than a week. Supposedly the culmination of 2 years work, and, if nothing else, I was looking up to get straight A's after the work I've put in over this time. Now that I'm in a state of being unable to concentrate even reading, I'll have trouble doing them - I haven't even been able to revise these last few days. So, after all of this, it looks like I'm gonna miss out on my exams, and therefore on going to university as well. Even if this problem is yet treatable, that's another year in this awful town with most of my friends "moving on" elsewhere.
And I'm not gonna accept that.
I may as well be chronically cursed, for all my luck. I've been through hell a couple of times before now, and made it out only to find myself back there again in some different form. All that effort and struggle, and for what? As soon as one trouble goes, another presents itself. I'm not going to take that any longer.
I plan to see how the next couple of weeks are. If this new problem doesn't go...well, I don't know what I'll do.
Sorry for the rant, people. Just count yourselves lucky that you've "only" had DP/DR. I don't claim to be a "good" person, I'm probably not. But even I don't deserve the life I've had - no one does. I guess all I can do is hope right now.
Monkeydust.
I've had enough again.
I don't intend to provoke much in writing this. I just need somewhere to vent, just some place where I can write down my thoughts and hopefully get them off my chest.
I'm just at the end of my tether right now. Again. I thought I was there before, many times, and I've got out of it. And I thought I'd overcome the worst of my problems, and assumed that I'd be able to move on. I was wrong. At the end of the day, there's only so much that someone can take.
DP/DR, for me, was just one more problem in a string of many. I haven't been healthy for about the last 3-4 years or so. And it's got so ridiculously unlucky that, if it weren't happening to me, it would almost be funny.
I'd had bad joint pains when I was about 14 - back, knees, you name it. Got told it was "growing pains", or the like. Still, that went away before too long.
I managed to get chronic migraines at about 15. Basically every day. No cause, no reason, no solution. I struggled on anyway. Tried to make the best of things. I lost what could've been a "better life" for about 2 years. What should've been the "best days" was awful. But that ended eventually. Sure I'd had some bad times, but hey, that was what happened to some people. Most people have "bad times". I'd had mine early, and got over it, so I thought. I'd learnt from it, and, hey, there were people much worse off than me.
I got about 6 months with no major problems. I suppose I should've been grateful. It didn't last, however.
Migraines came back. Stayed for a long time, and I assumed I'd hit "rock bottom". At the time I figured things couldn't get much worse.
But somewhere along the line I managed to land myself with a "bad trip" and the resulting symptoms of severe depression, anxiety and severe DP/DR. This was way worse than anything I'd had up till then, as anyone who has these symptoms will know.
But I felt like I had to go on. After suffering for a couple of months I just said to myself: "fuck it"...and I went for a final push to get better. It was worth a shot, I thought. No matter how hard it would be, I knew I had to try.
You have no idea how hard I worked to accomplish this. Bit by bit, over the last 6 months, I've been fighting to achieve some sense of normality. I rigidly kept to an exercise routine, got a healthy diet, worked hard with CBT, "forced" myself to do things in the world in order to alleviate my symptoms. There were many days when I literally could had run home, but made myself do this or that thing - or go out to a certain place, whatever happened.
Sure enough, it paid off in the end. I'd stopped moping around and made positive steps to recover. This last month had been pretty good. I was mostly DP/DR free. Happy, or at least happier than before. Completely relaxed. I felt OK. Not 100%, no. But things were finally shaping up to be alright once again. Brighter days seemed to be ahead.
But if there's one thing I've learnt in life so far, it's never to keep your hopes up. I guess I should have known better.
About 5 days ago I'd started getting a "strobe light" effect in my peripheral vision. It's got worse since, and today I was even having spells of dizziness/vertigo as well. I have no idea what's up this time, but it can't be good. The worst-case scenario seems to be a brain tumour. Even the more likely possibilities, such as a retinal detachment or the possibility that these symptoms are "just there" with no pathological cause are unappeling.
Quite frankly, I've had enough. I've had years of trying only to be beaten back by some illness or other. Every single fucking time. I've got a family that can't wait to see the back of me and dismiss my symptoms as something I'm "making up". I've lost several friends, had other potential relationships not happen. I've lost so many opportunities - so many hopes, dreams and "could have beens".
And on top of all this, I've got my final A-level exams starting in less than a week. Supposedly the culmination of 2 years work, and, if nothing else, I was looking up to get straight A's after the work I've put in over this time. Now that I'm in a state of being unable to concentrate even reading, I'll have trouble doing them - I haven't even been able to revise these last few days. So, after all of this, it looks like I'm gonna miss out on my exams, and therefore on going to university as well. Even if this problem is yet treatable, that's another year in this awful town with most of my friends "moving on" elsewhere.
And I'm not gonna accept that.
I may as well be chronically cursed, for all my luck. I've been through hell a couple of times before now, and made it out only to find myself back there again in some different form. All that effort and struggle, and for what? As soon as one trouble goes, another presents itself. I'm not going to take that any longer.
I plan to see how the next couple of weeks are. If this new problem doesn't go...well, I don't know what I'll do.
Sorry for the rant, people. Just count yourselves lucky that you've "only" had DP/DR. I don't claim to be a "good" person, I'm probably not. But even I don't deserve the life I've had - no one does. I guess all I can do is hope right now.
Monkeydust.
