[peaceboy23]

So I've had a bad few days. What is driving me crazy is just the obsession on how I'm thinking thoughts, how I"m hearing them, how i"m having them. It is the hardest thing to focus outward on and ignore. For some reason I can ignore quite a few things, but this one is the worst, because it attacks my very basic thought processes. I'm scared that I'm going to go crazy because of this, thinking how I think thoughts, where they are coming from, all that garbage. I don't really remember what it iwas like to have "normal" thought patterns, so i'm trying to relearn but it's hard.

However, I have started to realize, I think, what is really feeding my dp/dr. I think it is anger, guilt, depression and shame. My brain is trying, I think, to protect me from these four things, more than anything else. I also realize that the traumatic event of my roommate's death last year is still affecting me, and even more so becuase it is about the one year anniversary. The smell of the air, the students back in classes remind me of him a lot. I was talking about his death today with someone at work, and I got a really, really bad experience of dp. I felt like my mind was shutting off, desperately trying to forget the image of his face and all of that stuff. I have had several dreams where I am trying to stop him from going drinking (he died of alcohol poisoning) and I'm so helpless.

I still think anger is a big issue for me. Does anyone else have this problem? I think it is wrong to be angry, to dislike anyone, to think bad thoughts about a person. I feel unreal when I get mad at someone, or when someone upsets me, like I shouldn't be upset.
Guilt is also a big one. I have a lot of guilt over being gay, doing poorly in school and other things.

Sorry for the long post, but I"m curoius if anyone else has some of these same issues that may lead to the dp. This is the stuff for therapy...i finally get to see my therapist again on monday, haven't seen him in three weeks (he was full up before then).

 

[peaceboy23]

Oh, I guess I can add that I feel like I wont' let myself enjoy life, because I feel bad, almost guilty, doing so. It's very odd.

 

[peaceboy23]

I think the best way to describe what I have is that there are normal thought processes and then there are the loud, overbearing thoughts. I realize that I am thinking things all the time (that kind of freaks me out, actually) but i'mafriad if i'm not thinking something in the front of my head, so to speak, the loud thoughts, I will die, or shrivel up or something. It's so hard to describe but I"m suremost of you understand!

 

[Guest_]

I had this exact OCD sort of thing. I think you must have had your DP from smoking because pretty much everyone who got it from that looks inward rather than someone who had been in a car crash would look outward.

My tip is to ask 'Would i have it any other way? Would i rather not think at all?'

Brains are very automated, thoughts just come, they always have, you just now realize it because you are thinking about something that shouldnt be thought about. I guess, my best advice is that although your thoughts are automated, your still in there, choosing what you think, choosing to be wierded out by them, and choosing to be bothered. Try to laugh about your ocd thoughts, i mean, no offense, but once you stop obsessing about thoughts, its almost kind of funny that you were so into your head to begin with.