Back to life

So after 4 months of dealing with this and hiding away in this forum and my house, I am getting back to my life. I don't want to, but its what has to be done. I am going back to volunteer work in a few weeks, and when september comes I will go back to finish up school. So maybe this is it, how I feel for the rest of my life. Well life ins't fair for anyone I have always known that. Am I completely heartbroken and scared, well of course. I want to feel peace and comfort in my own skin. I want to look at my loved ones and feel complete connection and ease. I will continue with the antidepressant and maybe try therapy again (but I doubt it). I'll sleep better, eat right, exercise, and take care of myself. but do you want the real truth?

When a car cuts out in front of me and nearly hits me yeah I slam on my brakes, but what I'm thinking is to bad it wasn't a fatal crash. When there was a tornado warning a few weeks ago, I didn't go down stairs, I was hoping it would just take me away. I know, I know, this is just not how a Rainbow princess should think or behave. Maybe I am a bit of a fraud, but we all are. I give up and I am going to accept this feeling and just live the best that I can with it. I know this is depressing and I am sorry, I just needed to put something real out there.