[rainboteers]

So after 4 months of dealing with this and hiding away in this forum and my house, I am getting back to my life. I don't want to, but its what has to be done. I am going back to volunteer work in a few weeks, and when september comes I will go back to finish up school. So maybe this is it, how I feel for the rest of my life. Well life ins't fair for anyone I have always known that. Am I completely heartbroken and scared, well of course. I want to feel peace and comfort in my own skin. I want to look at my loved ones and feel complete connection and ease. I will continue with the antidepressant and maybe try therapy again (but I doubt it). I'll sleep better, eat right, exercise, and take care of myself. but do you want the real truth?

When a car cuts out in front of me and nearly hits me yeah I slam on my brakes, but what I'm thinking is to bad it wasn't a fatal crash. When there was a tornado warning a few weeks ago, I didn't go down stairs, I was hoping it would just take me away. I know, I know, this is just not how a Rainbow princess should think or behave. Maybe I am a bit of a fraud, but we all are. I give up and I am going to accept this feeling and just live the best that I can with it. I know this is depressing and I am sorry, I just needed to put something real out there.

 

[enigma]

So after 4 months of dealing with this and hiding away in this forum and my house, I am getting back to my life. I don't want to, but its what has to be done. I am going back to volunteer work in a few weeks, and when september comes I will go back to finish up school.

Godspeed, hope that goes well.

For what it's worth, I think you've made the right decision.

I give up and I am going to accept this feeling and just live the best that I can with it.

I wouldn't call that giving up at all.

You're just facing it, which I personally consider an act of bravery.

e

 

[enngirl5]

I think "accepting" this and getting on with life is the surest way to get out of all of this. I think you will get better when you get back in the swing of life and I really wish all the best for you.

 

[Ben]

Heh, rainboteers, welcome to the road of recovery. You don't believe me, but it's after you start feeling yourself go, "What the hell...life is here and it still feels funky but I'm just going to live it" that things start getting better.

Another recommendation, and take this as only a matter of opinion, don't try to hide yourself too much on this board. Let yourself out a bit, I think it's good for us all....

Stand up, realize life is really, really weird, and just live it - simply live it. Man, it is the strangest thing that we're all here, it's just the most bizarre thing. But, you are here, that can't be denied (you are aware, right?) so - what are you to do but live it? Just live it.

 

[Milan]

It's tough, it's really, really tough! But you have to do it. I know how futile it seems at times and what you're about to do may be the best thing for recovery. If it's any help I to feel the despair where it gets is so bad that I'm actually grateful that there is such a thing as death which will definitely bring an end to the problem. But as you pass through the bad and feel some respite you're back to a place where you feel more determined to keep going but it's still hard. I woke up this morning and felt almost ok but the anxiety came back a little after and I started feeling down again. Each morning after I park the car I walk 10mins to the office and during the walk I keep wanting to turn back and go home but I force myself to go. Just one more minute, must get through the next hour, don't let this beat you...and the battle goes on for most of the day. Some days are ok, some days are bad and then some days are hell but you must keep reminding your self that there will be times when the feelings are not so bad.

Rainboteers you sound like a real nice person and I hope that this change helps you. Just remember that others here are going through the same challenges each day and we do understand your situation. Take care and I hope you get back into your skin soon.

 

[Sojourner]

Best wishes, Rainbowteers!!

You will get better -- I just know it -- and so will everyone here.

Life really is the weirdest thing around, like Ben said.

I've gone off all drugs and so far (two days) there's no depression and no anxiety, so my next two weeks will show whether I need to try something other than Zoloft.

Like the song says, "I don't know where, but she sends me there..." oooh, oooh, ooooh, Good Vibrations!!! I saw the Washington, DC, concert for the 4th of July (American Independence Day) this morning and the Beach Boys sang Good Vibrations (a tune from yesteryear, for you young'uns). I thought of everyone here -- and how healing music can be and wished you all were among the dancing and singing thousands in the audience.

We are all dancing and singing inside, aren't we? I mean, really, aren't we?????????????

 

[rainboteers]

You all can just make me cry sometimes (and I mean that in the best possible way). I'll still be around, I've got my therapy right here haha. Went out tonight and you know what? I didnt fall apart!

I had decided that I would get back to life when I felt better well I FINALLY figured it out. To feel better I have to get back to life. Don't know if I will get better, but damnitt I sure will try.

And whenever I am scared I will come here, and when I am out and scared I will think of all of you. Like an army behind me cheering me on. Fighting and going through it yourselfs some of you with much more pain. Okay have I made anyone sick yet? Sorry I am feeling all mushy and inspriational. :wink:

 

[person3]

Ben said:

You don't believe me, but it's after you start feeling yourself go, "What the hell...life is here and it still feels funky but I'm just going to live it" that things start getting better.

and I just thought that was awfully helpful. thanks!

it makes me think too...our non-acceptance of DP is kind of symbolic of maybe the way we don't accept other things in the world, and because we don't accept those things that's how we got dp in the first place.

or it could have just been the enchiladas. damn mexican food these days...crazy!

 

[Ben]

Person3 and all,

No, I seriously believe our state is brought on by our inability to want recognize that what we experience is real, or brought on by our inability to accept what we experience as real, or some variation thereof. We all banter around the thoughts, from time to time, that it's all an avoidance tactic by our minds, some fancy trick to seperate ourselves from the painful realities around us. Stop for a minute and think about the universe - all that exists around us and all that we just don't know (and therefore, all that we just can't trust), it's overwhelming, frightening and sometimes "just too much". The world packs a mighty punch at times, but it's best to simply ride on.

Okay have I made anyone sick yet? Sorry I am feeling all mushy and inspriational.

...I think it's 'cause you're reaching the end of the DP and you're starting to see daylight. I remember when I first felt life again - it was spring and I was driving around in my car. A snow had just hit Lincoln the night before (the town where I live), and the sun was melting it all. Thrown about there were little blue and red flowers flickering. There was this cold chill in the air and warm sun hitting me - it was amazing. I felt like running around and hugging everyone, it was like someone put me on X or something.