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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well, or at least as well as you can, considering the circumstances.
Following my last message in this forum, i fell into a deep depression. I had no intention of going back on medication, but it was getting really bad - I had continuous suicidal thoughts. I am sorry if what I wrote upsets you, I don't want to give any negative vibes.

Well now going to the slightly more positive news...
I was put on a low dose ssri (ecitilopram) and requested to try the lamictal again.
Previously I was on a dose of 50 mg when i stopped as i thought i was having bad side effects.
I also was diagnosed with having a lethargic type of depression, which seemed coexist with some ADD symptoms. I was diagnoed with ADD around half a year ago, and was prescribed ritalin/methylphenidate for it to help me with my focus/motivation and to help with especially the lethargy. I should mention that I am also suffering from mild-medium sleep apnea and haven't been able to find a fix for it yet, as it is impossible for me to sleep with the full mask on (I have congestion so can't just use the nose mask).

I am now up to 150mg lamictal and 10 mg ecitilopram. I started to feel a improvement on the derealization aspect but not so much of the depersonalization, and ritalin would help take the focus away from the DP but after it wore off the anxiety and adrenalin made things very worse, but it has been a great help for my lethargy, although it has less of an effect now in that regards and more of a focus/concentration help.

In the last couple weeks I felt very bad and just sick everytime i woke up. I have had this feeling before and it lasts for a very long time before it subdues for a while then starts again. This has a terrible affect on my daily life and ability to function. I realized that in some way i am still feeling depressed. For some people that is a great sadness but for me i just feel even more flat and what it really does is it makes me withdraw and speak in a very low manner when interacting with others. I have tried a variety of SSRI and SNRI's before and they seem to have the same effect on me everytime. They don't really help with my mood but just numb me out which doesn't help at all.

My psychiatrist suggested nortriptyline which is a TCA. I have extreme tension headaches and dizziness when I feel very bad so in regards to the headaches it seemed like a good fit. I was asked to continue with the SSRI incase I couldn't handle the TCA then i would be able to fall back on the SSRI. I asked if there was a rick os Seretonin syndrome and my physciatrist assured me that the dose that i am taking is very low and that i should not be worried.

After a couple days of taking the TCA i felt like even my depersonalization was getting better. I still woke up feeling sick sometimes but it felt better then what i was just on the SSRI. I seemed to be able to get out of bed a little easier and some of my tension was gone. I noticed however that after a week i gained weight and that is very unfortunate as I am trying to lose weight at the moment. The TCA also makes my libido non-existent, and makes my heart beat faster sometimes, and i have read that it can cause tachycardia in the long term, and therefor im also thinking it cant be good taking it in combination with ritalin.

I stopped taking the TCA and in around 2 days i took my normal dose of ritalin and it seemed to last forever and gave me intense anxiety. I also felt like i felt before, just total shit with fever like symptoms (without having it) and dizzy all the time. My DP/DR also got worse. I am now facing a double edged sword and i am thinking to call my physicatrist tomorrow and ask perhaps for a dose reduction for the TCA. I was taking a very low dose of 25 mg but there is also a lower dose of 10 mg available. Hopefully it will help me and it would cause fewer side effects.

Now back to DP/DR when i took TCA + SSRI + Lamictal (at night) when i woke up i felt different. DP / DR was less pronounced. Unfortunately 30 minutes later i would start dissociating back to my 'normal' state but still less then usual. I also noticed another 'type' of dizziness. When i am really trying hard to focus on an object ahead of me, which directly is an attempt for me to disscociate less, I would feel a pain in my head a different dizziness then before. It seemed like by brain/mind new what I was trying to do.

Anyhow today i feel shit again as i haven't taken the TCA and have to wait till tomorrow to get a lower dose prescription, but i really hope that things are moving in the right direction. I also want to talk about how i have come to percieve my DP/DR. I have to state that i am in no shape or form qualified, or licensed to make any claims in regards to this condition, so don't take my word for this as i am just sharing my own thoughts and my own perception on the condition.

First of all I believe that my DP/DR stems from great trauma and stress, and has then been exacterbated by my inability to properly feels these nasty emotions. I have trouble with Alexithymia even before my DP started. I believe that neglecting to feel these emotions has cause a great distress in me and my body/mind has been forced to deal with it by dissacoiating. Now you might say, well it seems very simple, just feel these emotions and your DP will stop. Well it's exactly that which is so difficult. Imagine having Alexithymia, and trauma cause in early childhood, it will be extremely difficult and of course uncomfortable to resolve. It also requires a very skilled and proeficient therapist, which i have yet to find. Having said that, i am fully commited to go through this journey and to begin healing, however, this could even take decades of work.

I am hoping that through medication, it can improve my life to the point where i can be rather functional, and where I am not as distressed everyday, as going through a decades worth of work when you are feeling like absoloute shit can make it much harder and also I have to live my life in the present as well.

Now I have read allot about people talking about the notion about acceptance and not thinking about your DP. I do believe that this is important, especially because when feeling physical sensations, we usually seem to think that there is something wrong with us and that its not just DP which in turn makes things worse. I however also believe, that in my case, and with other cases of trauma induced DP, that this will not be enough to fully recover from the disorder. I may be wrong however that is how i feel it is in my case. It seems like the majority of cases where the individual has suffered from drug induced DP or panic/anxiety attacks which has then resulted in DP, this method has helped individuals in great degree and with complete remission of the disorder.

Anyhow, sorry if this got long, just thought i'd share my thoughts, and i hope to get better and keep you all updated.
Merry christmas and Happy new year!
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