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Ok I recently posted on my relapse but didn't really explain much.
Basically, on Sunday October 3rd I moved away to uni' for the first time. Two weeks earlier I'd smoked pot (like an idiot. It's a long story), had a huge panic attack, felt very depressed for a few days. With some good R n' R, I recovered quite easily. I was still a bit fragile perhaps.
Anyway, that day I was experiencing massive amounts of anxiety, including several full blown panic atacks. Felt terrible when I got to my new flat. The flat itslef was hideous, not the kind of place you want to be left when you are in that sort of state.
Met my flat mates. Went drinking that night. The drink seemed to help with the anxiety, but I still felt depressed.
The next day I felt very depressed, anxious and dp'ed. So I went drinking again that evening, this time it didn't help. Stayed up talking till three am. A new flat mate was talking about bad drug experiences he'd heard about. He was describing one particularly 'far out' experince he'd read about. Then I totally flipped out, had the worst panic attack ever. Ran out of the flat in my pyjamas and just kept sprinting. The fear just got deeper and deeper, I was convinced I'd gone beyond the point of no return, I was beyond any form of hope. I was going berserk. Anyway eventually I became so exhausted that I collapsed in my bed.
Woke up several times that night in a horrible state. The next day I was truly zombified, huge dp/dr etc.
Was extremely depressed for the next week or so.
All those old f*cked up thoughts I used to have two years ago when I last felt this bad have allcome back. Self observation is my only past time. I keep getting lost in my mind. I can't believ this is all happening again.
Just a few weeks ago I was almost cured. I hadn't actually had an intense dp episode for almost a year and a half. The last time I was lost in a deeply obsessive state was half a year ago (and at least that was a sort of tangible logical obsession). Last summer was simply amazing. I was still experiencing dr from time to time, but for the most part I was really good (read my story in the story section). Now I don't know where/what I am. MY minds a huge mess. Thoughts go round and round in circles. I feel like a dog chasing it's own tail. You know when you're not evn sure what it is that's making you feel so anxious, so you feel you have to explore every horrifically imaginative possibility. In some ways I wish that I was just obsessed/afraid of one particular thing.
I feel I have to monitor every thought and emotion, then rationalise it. The thing is, I have insight this time. I know why my mind is working the way it is. I know that after that terrible panic attack I had, my mind imploded. Went into code red, every brain cell on alert, as though there were an escaped convict in my mind.
Part of the problem is my environment. This university is depressing. My accomodation is depressing, and the two mile walk on to capmus that I have to do at least four times a day is very depressing. Being surrounded by superficial friends whom you have no interest in talking to is depressing. The f*cking fluroscent light that seems so concerned with illuminating every f*cking pore on your face, that infests every indoor environment in this God forsaken place. It's a far cry from the tranquility of my home, or that of my relatives, or Thailand or Amsterdam. Yes the past few months have been nothing but romantic hedonism for me( and I do apologise for any melodramatic posts during that period, cos' I was in fact feeling great), which is what makes this all the more galling for me.
I just can't seem to get out of my mind.
Any thoughts or advice would be greatly welcome, thanks.
 
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Here is my advice, for what it's worth.
First of all know in your heart of hearts that your current state is temporary. It went away before and it will go away again.
It is a process.
There are many factors to recovery and it is a slow process.
Looking back on all that you have written, looks like you let yourself get out of balance.
For example, the pot, then came all the massive fear, the fear of being out of control and the fear of going back to a state you were in two years ago terrified you. Hence more fear, more dp and the cycle begins.
So, how do you get yourself back to a comfortable state.
No more pot, no more alcohol. No self sabotaging behavior.
That includes the things we tell ourselves, the things that put us into a massive anxiety state.
Eat really well, take supplements that support your nervous system: calcium, magnesium, zinc, b vitamins.
Exercise everyday. Get some sunshine.
Get into therapy or have a close friend who can be really supportive and help you through this time.
There is a website, anxieties.com which will offer you many skills on how to stop the obsessive thoughts, and other good reminders of how to handle the anxiety part of what you are going through.
Just try to stay calm, calm your mind, calm your body.
BREATHE.
Believe that you can and will recover!!!!!!
I know that alot of what I am writing is common sense, but sometimes it helps to be reminded of it.
I wish you the best.
Sassy
 

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Sad to hear you crashed and burned, Axel.

Great post, Sassy.

I hope you able to turn this thing around. Back to the drawing board. You know what you have to do. It will work for you.

Take Care,
terri
 

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hi axel

lots of supplements, green veg juice, some kind of exercise. ads might help. once you start settling into a routine things might improve.
 

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also get your head into studying. i always found it helped. what's your degree?
 
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