Hello everyone, I'll try to cut to the chase.
Im almost 22, began smoking weed almost every day at the age of 20 for a little over a year, did LSD 3 times and shrooms once during that time span. Never saw weird shit, nothing that would cause me to think i was crazy during the time. The day after my 21st my friend smokes me out. I freak the fuck out after he asks me what i want to do with my major after i graduate. I have no fucking idea and after not being able to answer to anyone who asks me that, i finally have a panic attack when im high, first time, and last. I couldnt talk and i had to sit down cause i was just a mess for like 10 minutes. and the rest of the night was just bad, i was just so anxious and felt wrong. after that I quit. havent touched a drug since. after that day my pure O thoughts began to emerge, thinking i was gay (not that there's anything wrong with thattt) for like a month straight. Then i began to think i was a pedophile, a psychopath, being afraid when i saw knives and just all that stuff for about another 2 months. I also thought for moments i was in hell, like not really, but it felt like it, but it was just like things were so unrecognizable and the thoughts were so strong, even my own backyard felt strange. then my last semester of college started, i would get unbeleivably depressed for moments during the first few days, thinking this was all part of the withdrawal. i also began to have weird paranoid thoughts that like my mom was putting something in my food to make me crazy, which was pretty easy to refute since i was already crazy by thinking those thoughts. And i would just get those type of thoughts. they were so intense and i thought i was for sure going crazy, like paranoid schizo. At this point i had a little brain fog, but every once in a while things felt so fucking weird, like i was part of the truman show kind of feeling, you know? idk but it would come and go, and slowly the brain fog set in. it was early in the semester that one day i just had the thought, was if my professor is a robot, and i just began freaking out inside my own head during class. that was the start of the worst thought that has plagued my head for over 6 months now. I began by trying to refute it at every chance i got. I would try to prove why they were not robots at every point, physical aspects, psychological, you name it. It just made things worse and worse. and by this point the brain fog/invisible wall feeling was just awful, it made things seem worse. At every turn i would think i was hearing sounds that werent there. I would replay parts of songs if i heard something weird in them. I have no idea how i got through that semester without a psychotic break, and even to this very second i dont know how i havent flipped out yet. Every day i wake up and after a few seconds that thought burrows itself deep into everything i do. At one point i was freaking out when i heard the word human. it would cause this weird fucking paranoia over me. I went to a clinical psychologist that said i wasnt schizo and that this would all go away if i laid off the drugs. Its been almost 10 months, and although veryyyyy slowly all of this has receded, in terms of the fog and getting some emotions back gradually and the initial thoughts fading away, I am now stuck with delusional thoughts, all sorts about human beings and robots. I dont know if it is that I feel/ think that they are, but its like these sensations take over my logical brain and it feels like i believe it for a split second, and then i try my hardest to rationalize it, and once i do i freak out more because i think that i was psychotic for like a second. I think about how there are billions on people in the world, and that makes me think about how some might be robots. I know its fucking maddening and just wild and irrational, but they freak me out. Ive also been dealing with thoughts that we are in the matrix for a while now, its been a few days since they really bothered me though. i dont understand that. sometimes i think them and nothing happens. I've felt so detached from myself, my personality, and from pretty much the world. it is mostly because of these thoughts, along with solipsism. I want to believe its just DP/DR doing its job and royally fucking with my head, but i cant help but think that my head is broken, my mind will not recover from this. I do cardio every day and ive been trying so hard to believe that ill get better, but the truth is i havent. I dont know if anyone can tell me if ill get better, cause i believe that no one has suffered from these thoughts for so long, i wake up and that thought is there, always, whenever i see people and whenever i dont. Ive wanted the universe to just end this misery for me countless times. I just want to believe that there is hope for me and that im not going crazy, that its all ocd and DR/DP and that one day it will finally go away and i will see the world for what it is. There are countless other thoughts ive had, but luckily i cant remember them at this point anymore. I don't know how it is that this i stemming from unresolved issues or repressed emotions. Id gladly deal with them then having to deal with this SHIT for so long.
If anyone read this i truly appreciate it and i hope someone can help. Much love
sirlee
Im almost 22, began smoking weed almost every day at the age of 20 for a little over a year, did LSD 3 times and shrooms once during that time span. Never saw weird shit, nothing that would cause me to think i was crazy during the time. The day after my 21st my friend smokes me out. I freak the fuck out after he asks me what i want to do with my major after i graduate. I have no fucking idea and after not being able to answer to anyone who asks me that, i finally have a panic attack when im high, first time, and last. I couldnt talk and i had to sit down cause i was just a mess for like 10 minutes. and the rest of the night was just bad, i was just so anxious and felt wrong. after that I quit. havent touched a drug since. after that day my pure O thoughts began to emerge, thinking i was gay (not that there's anything wrong with thattt) for like a month straight. Then i began to think i was a pedophile, a psychopath, being afraid when i saw knives and just all that stuff for about another 2 months. I also thought for moments i was in hell, like not really, but it felt like it, but it was just like things were so unrecognizable and the thoughts were so strong, even my own backyard felt strange. then my last semester of college started, i would get unbeleivably depressed for moments during the first few days, thinking this was all part of the withdrawal. i also began to have weird paranoid thoughts that like my mom was putting something in my food to make me crazy, which was pretty easy to refute since i was already crazy by thinking those thoughts. And i would just get those type of thoughts. they were so intense and i thought i was for sure going crazy, like paranoid schizo. At this point i had a little brain fog, but every once in a while things felt so fucking weird, like i was part of the truman show kind of feeling, you know? idk but it would come and go, and slowly the brain fog set in. it was early in the semester that one day i just had the thought, was if my professor is a robot, and i just began freaking out inside my own head during class. that was the start of the worst thought that has plagued my head for over 6 months now. I began by trying to refute it at every chance i got. I would try to prove why they were not robots at every point, physical aspects, psychological, you name it. It just made things worse and worse. and by this point the brain fog/invisible wall feeling was just awful, it made things seem worse. At every turn i would think i was hearing sounds that werent there. I would replay parts of songs if i heard something weird in them. I have no idea how i got through that semester without a psychotic break, and even to this very second i dont know how i havent flipped out yet. Every day i wake up and after a few seconds that thought burrows itself deep into everything i do. At one point i was freaking out when i heard the word human. it would cause this weird fucking paranoia over me. I went to a clinical psychologist that said i wasnt schizo and that this would all go away if i laid off the drugs. Its been almost 10 months, and although veryyyyy slowly all of this has receded, in terms of the fog and getting some emotions back gradually and the initial thoughts fading away, I am now stuck with delusional thoughts, all sorts about human beings and robots. I dont know if it is that I feel/ think that they are, but its like these sensations take over my logical brain and it feels like i believe it for a split second, and then i try my hardest to rationalize it, and once i do i freak out more because i think that i was psychotic for like a second. I think about how there are billions on people in the world, and that makes me think about how some might be robots. I know its fucking maddening and just wild and irrational, but they freak me out. Ive also been dealing with thoughts that we are in the matrix for a while now, its been a few days since they really bothered me though. i dont understand that. sometimes i think them and nothing happens. I've felt so detached from myself, my personality, and from pretty much the world. it is mostly because of these thoughts, along with solipsism. I want to believe its just DP/DR doing its job and royally fucking with my head, but i cant help but think that my head is broken, my mind will not recover from this. I do cardio every day and ive been trying so hard to believe that ill get better, but the truth is i havent. I dont know if anyone can tell me if ill get better, cause i believe that no one has suffered from these thoughts for so long, i wake up and that thought is there, always, whenever i see people and whenever i dont. Ive wanted the universe to just end this misery for me countless times. I just want to believe that there is hope for me and that im not going crazy, that its all ocd and DR/DP and that one day it will finally go away and i will see the world for what it is. There are countless other thoughts ive had, but luckily i cant remember them at this point anymore. I don't know how it is that this i stemming from unresolved issues or repressed emotions. Id gladly deal with them then having to deal with this SHIT for so long.
If anyone read this i truly appreciate it and i hope someone can help. Much love
sirlee
