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Well...I'm back here again. I'll apologize in advance for the rant.

I thought I was over the worst, I really did. The last few weeks have been comparatively good, the best in a while, in fact. I've been trying to rebuild my life. I've started to feel "myself" much more, I've got back into going to school, exercising regularly, eating well, going out more and the like, and it seemed to be paying off. I've been getting to sleep pretty quickly, I've been more motivated to do stuff, I've been making an effort to socialize more, most days have been at least bearable, those that haven't tend to go quickly and haven't forced me to "retreat" back home. I've even had some periods when I've felt completely fine.

And yet here I am, and the DP/DR's as bad as ever and the depression will probably come back in force soon as well. The worst thing is, I've just let a friend down because of it all. He was expecting me to step in to play guitar in a band for him (although I'm not much good these days), he'd pinned his hopes on entering some competition. I literally couldn't go. I tried, I really did. We just had a barbecue in the park and I was trying to accept how DP'd I was feeling and to get over it. It didn't work. I thought I heard one of the people there mumble to someone else that I seemed "completely out of it", though perhaps I misheard. In any case, it was true. I was barely up to speaking to people, less still to having much fun. It doesn't help that most of my friends seem to think that I'm exaggerating or just "putting it on" when I seem to feel bad.

I thought the possibility of me developing schizophrenia had pretty much gone, but now I'm not so sure. Sometimes I can still be quite sharp and witty; other times, though, I'm barely able to hold an interesting conversation. I don't think I'm delusional yet, but the amount of doubt I have about everything (literally everything) could perhaps be bordering on it, I don't know. I honestly thought earlier today that I was about to have my "psychotic break" - it's probably still a real possbility.

Nothing seems real right now; I'm finding it hard to get my head round the absurdity of it all - on the one hand, I might be facing insanity for the rest of my life; on the other, if I'm not then, quite frankly, it's equally absurd that I should be feeling this way, at my age, and watching my life and even my friends pass by just because of strange feelings when I could and probably should be out living life.

I hope I get over this, I really do. I'm probably not a particularly "good guy", but even I don't deserve this, surely. I've had enough problems in my life already as it is. I don't want fame or fortune or anything like that; I just want a bearable life, some friends, a bit of happiness maybe - right now that seems a million miles away, and I hate that.

Sorry for the rant, I just have nowhere else to turn these days. Even if I did, I doubt anyone would understand. I just hope things will shape up eventually.
 
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