[kylekatarn]

Not trying to be preachy, or to impersonate a medical professional - I just made a little video about how I experienced my DP/DR + panic disorder. Took a few years to crawl out of it completely, and I told myself I'd make a video if I ever felt I had because I found them really helpful when I was in my acute phase.

That being said I'm trying to put together one more video answering questions because there've been a few, so I figured I'd do a Q&A thing.

It would be super helpful if you sent a video question with your face cropped out if you didn't want it in there, second preference would be audio, and 3rd is just an e-mail or reply on this thread.

Cheers! Enjoy your... (looks at calendar) Friday.

 

[Speedy69]

This was a post I made. I think I covered a lot of grounds especially the way of thinking. If you are able to give some advice or can relate to this type of thinking that would be great. A lot of ppl are overwhelmed with dp/dr but what makes it even worse is the thoughts that follow. Making everything suddenly not make sense. Advice would be awesome. This was my post.

Hello to all. I wanted to make a post describing what I am going through at the moment. It will be the only post I will make dealing with DP/DR before I take the steps to full recovery. I won't go into deep detail about my last etc because I don't want this post to be long but for starters I have experienced DP/Dr about 7 years ago. That was the first time i developed it from high anxiety. I was bombarded with high anxiety which let to Dp/dr and depression also set in. No drugs no nothing. All anxiety induced. It took 8 months to get out of it. At that time I was plagued with anxiety and panic with the dp/dr. Everything felt unreal. It was very hard to deal with and in return I suffered bad depression from it and intrusive thoughts. I never had intrusive thought before dp/dr but when my mother mentioned going through anxiety depression DPDR.....and she decided to tel me also that she had intrusive thoughts....the very next day I had the same thoughts and it tormented me. Fast forward with out medication or anything I got better within 8 months. I was free for a few years and got it again. Same thing high anxiety for weeks. Obsessing over it. I started to feel depressed and dp/dr set in. When it did I began looking for answers online and stumbled across "solipsism". Worst mistake ever for a dp/dr person to look into. It turned my life upside down. I started to believe that I created everything in my mind that everything was fake and when I thought about the world and the universe etc.....it just didn't make any sense and reinforced the feelings and thoughts. Afterwards I turned to the Bible because I grew up Christian. I wanted answers and started reading genesis and for the first time in my life it did not make sense to me and I doubted God. From that moment on I quit believing. It tore my world apart. Everything I believed and once knew was all different. Fast forward it took about 6 months to pull out of that one. Once again without medication and without therapy. Lived a perfect normal exciting life for around 5 years and here I am again. Only this time panic attacks didn't set it off. I was on antibiotics for over two weeks. Two different kinds together. One of the antibiotics is known to cause depression anxiety etc. by the time I finished them I started randomly feeling depressed. I over looked it and a week went by and I was ok. I had to get back on both once again and when I did the depression set back in along with anxiety and dp. I know gut health issues can cause anxiety depression. I also had other things going at the time but nothing major. Regardless I obsessed and started reading and reading and worrying and worrying just like the first and second time I dealt with anxiety depression dp/dr and before I knew it I was in the hands of dp/dr. If I would have just nipped it at the bud and stopped worrying and obsessing I don't think I would have ended up here again. This go around there's not much physical anxiety symptoms just a little nervous stomach feeling, tight stomach feeling, a little bit of anxiety in my chest etc. nothing bad but I believe what Keeps the dp/dr here is the depression. I have a lot of existential thoughts. Waaayy too many and the thing is I probably wouldn't have all those if I would have read so many peoples stories. They gave me ideas I think. My question to you all and I'm hoping more recovered people could shed some light on this if you can relate and still visit here to help people is.....does the existential thoughts go away? Does life go back to normal? Can you look back at the old thoughts you had when you had dp/dr and laugh at them? Are things still very strange to you? Because nothing makes sense to me at the moment. In the past I went through intrusive thoughts and I have dealt with the thought of developing schizophrenia etc and that to me was easy. This time it's harder. Here are some of the thoughts...

-of course solipsism. I created everything in my mind. Everything around is fake.
-human beings doesn't make sense.
-living on a planet doesn't make sense
-the universe doesn't make sense
-thought about even all of you on this forum could be fake. Maybe you all are bots just telling me what I want to hear ???? even though it's a thought it does sound ridiculous but to a person suffering with dp/dr it's no laughing matter.
-questioning Gods existence.
-my memories seem so distant from me and I question if I always had these thoughts and I just never paid attention to them.
-I have even questioned if I ever existed before.
-the thoughts of where was I before I was born and when we die what truly happens?
-life seems meaningless because we all eventually die.
-nothing really matters so why do anything in life if you just leave it behind.
-this all sort of feels like I am living life for the first time. Almost as if I have to relearn everything. Like I'm on a strange planet. The thoughts go on and on.

I don't need answers to these questions. I'm just curious when recovered does all this go away? Do these things make sense again? A lot of these questions seem delusional but I know in this state the seem real and almost convincing. If someone who is recovered could shed some light that would be great! Thank you in advance.

 

[kylekatarn]

-of course solipsism. I created everything in my mind. Everything around is fake.
-human beings doesn't make sense.
-living on a planet doesn't make sense
-the universe doesn't make sense
-thought about even all of you on this forum could be fake. Maybe you all are bots just telling me what I want to hear even though it's a thought it does sound ridiculous but to a person suffering with dp/dr it's no laughing matter.
-questioning Gods existence.
-my memories seem so distant from me and I question if I always had these thoughts and I just never paid attention to them.
-I have even questioned if I ever existed before.
-the thoughts of where was I before I was born and when we die what truly happens?
-life seems meaningless because we all eventually die.
-nothing really matters so why do anything in life if you just leave it behind.
-this all sort of feels like I am living life for the first time. Almost as if I have to relearn everything. Like I'm on a strange planet. The thoughts go on and on.

Noted. Perfect questions

- A lot of these are related and existential; which is where my mind tended to go as well - so I empathise. I'll definitely address existential rumination (or at least how I dealt with it).

 

[Psyborg]

just tell me if I will ever be able to love my family again as I used to and tell me if I will ever be able to find children and dogs cute again as I used to , . it is killing me

 

[kylekatarn]

just tell me if I will ever be able to love my family again as I used to and tell me if I will ever be able to find children and dogs cute again as I used to , . it is killing me

Yes. You still do love them and find dogs and children cute - it's just that those feelings are buried under a layer of scar tissue left over from the brain sprain you have (speaking in analogies.)

Rest assured you're the same person once you climb out; it's just the worst part of the condition that it makes you feel like you'll never be the same again, and can't get back to yourself.

Physiologically your body is just trying to protect itself from a misperceived threat, a false signal, because for whatever reason you're sensitive (don't take that personally) - so your body activates defense mode by releasing stress hormones which is what produces these feelings (like thinking you feel differently about loved ones etc - but running from a tiger is no time to be sentimental so it makes sense.) No... your body is busy making sure you can run, fight, or freeze (no need for sleep or digestion - certainly no time for sentimentality.) You'll be fine, just have to break the stress hormone (panic) cycle and recover your depleted stores of happy juice - which is easier said than done - but you'll get out. (nods confidently)

 

[Psyborg]

Yes. You still do love them and find dogs and children cute - it's just that those feelings are buried under a layer of scar tissue left over from the brain sprain you have (speaking in analogies.)

Rest assured you're the same person once you climb out; it's just the worst part of the condition that it makes you feel like you'll never be the same again, and can't get back to yourself.

Physiologically your body is just trying to protect itself from a misperceived threat, a false signal, because for whatever reason you're sensitive (don't take that personally) - so your body activates defense mode by releasing stress hormones which is what produces these feelings (like thinking you feel differently about loved ones etc - but running from a tiger is no time to be sentimental so it makes sense.) No... your body is busy making sure you can run, fight, or freeze (no need for sleep or digestion - certainly no time for sentimentality.) You'll be fine, just have to break the stress hormone (panic) cycle and recover your depleted stores of happy juice.

thank you so much for your words

but I wonder ....what if the last years like taking several psycho meds and also abruptly stopping them without doctors watch (and including smoking weed a few times) made me another person ? what if my brain chemistry has changed ? what if it is irreversible ? what if I am a sociopath now ? a bad person maybe ? a sicko ? etc. . I honestly dont know how long I can take this anymore

 

[kylekatarn]

thank you so much for your words

but I wonder ....what if the last years like taking several psycho meds and also abruptly stopping them without doctors watch (and including smoking weed a few times) made me another person ? what if my brain chemistry has changed ? what if it is irreversible ? what if I am a sociopath now ? a bad person maybe ? a sicko ? etc. . I honestly dont know how long I can take this anymore

The body (including the mind) are amazingly plastic (able to adapt.) There's kids born with half a brain, and that half starts growing neurons that the other half was supposed to be responsible for.

Don't worry too much about psych meds - yes, they alter your brain chemistry, but so does alcohol - and you don't hear of someone drinking for a few years being drunk forever. Your brain bounces back.

That being said I'd recommend against going off meds without talking to your doctor about properly stepping down dosages because even though I believe the effects to be temporary, you can still be capable of doing things the "normal" you wouldn't do during such transitions - that's why you should talk to a doctor and have someone who you're checking in with.

Last thing I'll say is there's meaning in suffering. This isn't wasted time. You stand to grow conversely equal to the proportion of suffering you feel you are enduring.

I know it doesn't seem like it, especially when you feel like you're not making progress or even moving backwards; but your judgements all f**ked up right now anyway - so don't trust your own self assessment. Trust me... a loving stranger who climbed out. I see you - and you're still you. Not "crazy" - not a "bad person"... I can't stress enough it's the nature of your condition that makes you think these things about yourself. I did the exact same - it's just powerful magic, like everyone getting crazy and evil over frodo's ring. It's a possession. But nonetheless - Here your are, you're saying meaningful things... you're concerned about being a bad person... you care about caring about your family. That's all good people stuff.

 

[Psyborg]

The body (including the mind) are amazingly plastic (able to adapt.) There's kids born with half a brain, and that half starts growing neurons that the other half was supposed to be responsible for.

Don't worry too much about psych meds - yes, they alter your brain chemistry, but so does alcohol - and you don't hear of someone drinking for a few years being drunk forever. Your brain bounces back.

That being said I'd recommend against going off meds without talking to your doctor about properly stepping down dosages because even though I believe the effects to be temporary, you can still be capable of doing things the "normal" you wouldn't do during such transitions - that's why you should talk to a doctor and have someone who you're checking in with.

Last thing I'll say is there's meaning in suffering. This isn't wasted time. You stand to grow conversely equal to the proportion of suffering you feel you are enduring.

I know it doesn't seem like it, especially when you feel like you're not making progress or even moving backwards; but your judgements all f**ked up right now anyway - so don't trust your own self assessment. Trust me... a loving stranger who climbed out. I see you - and you're still you. Not "crazy" - not a "bad person"... I can't stress enough it's the nature of your condition that makes you think these things about yourself. I did the exact same - it's just powerful magic, like everyone getting crazy and evil over frodo's ring. It's a possession. But nonetheless - Here your are, you're saying meaningful things... you're concerned about being a bad person... you care about caring about your family. That's all good people stuff.

this is me when I read your answers

can I pm you maybe ? I have some personal questions

 

[kylekatarn]

Course. I posted my email in the description of that YouTube video.

 

[kylekatarn]

Anyone else with any personal panic disorder / DP related questions? Trying to squeeze in a couple more I can answer in a follow-up Q&A video I'm doing for fun.

 

[Applejack]

I am almost recovered, but I still don't feel completely connected to myself, and I don't have the energy I once did. It makes me depressed, and I just want to know if this will ever go away. I also don't have most of my emotions back, but I can function and I don't have most of the visual symptoms. Also the existential stuff kind of freaks me out still, and I think about dpdr 24/7. I guess my question is -

Will I ever feel completely, 100% myself again? Will my emotions return? And is a last bout of depression a part of recovery?

 

[Theoxcarl]

I am almost recovered, but I still don't feel completely connected to myself, and I don't have the energy I once did. It makes me depressed, and I just want to know if this will ever go away. I also don't have most of my emotions back, but I can function and I don't have most of the visual symptoms. Also the existential stuff kind of freaks me out still, and I think about dpdr 24/7. I guess my question is -
Will I ever feel completely, 100% myself again? Will my emotions return? And is a last bout of depression a part of recovery?

That's common. Seems like you recovered 90%. The rest will go away with time. But I think it is now easy to life with these small symptoms. Don't think about it. Just be!!
You will be fine !
Text me on instragram if you want: theoxcarl