[optimist100]

Been with constant dpdr for 3 years now, I tried therapy (and got hurt), tried creating safety in my life by getting away from people and places that hurt me. still no memories, constant feeling of detachment, still everyone I used to love are strangers to me, still incapable of feelings of "love" and other emotions I no longer remember. I got better in a lot of ways this pass 3 years yet I still feel so stuck. please tell me I'm not the only one I just need to know I'm not alone.

 

[Skol]

3 years here also,
It was weed induced.
Everyone feels like a stranger to me, the ones i used to love hurts the most, but, im Kind of used to this feeling now, the only big Problem i face is having heavy problems to connect with people / having a conversation.
My memories of who i was sometimes Flash in and i feel like myself again, but just for a couple moments.
Its hard.

Do you also struggle having conversations/connecting with people?
I have severe anxiety around that

 

[optimist100]

3 years here also,
It was weed induced.
Everyone feels like a stranger to me, the ones i used to love hurts the most, but, im Kind of used to this feeling now, the only big Problem i face is having heavy problems to connect with people / having a conversation.
My memories of who i was sometimes Flash in and i feel like myself again, but just for a couple moments.
Its hard.

Do you also struggle having conversations/connecting with people?
I have severe anxiety around that

Ever since I lost my memories or familiarity with those I loved the most it's been so hard, I cut contact with them because of that.

When you get those flashbacks, those glimpses of who you used to be, does it hurt? For me it does. As I said I lost my memories a few years ago, I was around 18 and I noticed more and more how I just don't remember, I don't remember my past, my house, my parents, my self. It became unbearable and I moved out, I still don't remember my family, I still don't recognize this body and face in the mirror, and worse of all- I don't have a past, I tried therapy so I know how to tell stories of things that happened to a person who wasn't me through memories that aren't my own, I know the words by heart but it's like ink on a page. Because of it all I developed an understandable obsession to my childhood home, I try to be there I try to catch every moment I have of a hint of recognition, something that proves i have a past and that I haven't lost it all forever to this darkness in my head. And sometimes when I close my eyes and somehow I am able to hear the curtains of my old bedroom, to feel the texture of the wall, to hear the exact way the handle of my bedroom door clicked or the sound the light switch made and it feels so real, it feels more real than this life I'm having now with this body of mine I'm suppose to be in, I fear that by chasing the past I'm losing this past but I don't really have a choice, losing your life is not something you can just let go of, and I don't know what to do.

 

[Skol]

I feel you.
When i get these flashes of feeling like myself, having the Aura i used to have for a Brief Moment, it actually does not hurt, it feels like iam 'home' again.
It just doesnt Last long, its like a moment.

It only starts hurting when i crave that feeling and begging to be myself again.
And if one day that happens and iam myself again, trust me, nothing could stop me anymore, the pain you suffer is more then enough for a lifetime.

I advise you to not crave your old self that much, and iam deeply confident that you, your past and who you are is not gone.
Its just locked in this fog of what you experience right now, the pain, the cravings, the state of being Dp/Dr'd.

Dont say these memories arent your own, they are, the Person you were 'before' is you.
The Person you are now is also you, even if you dont recognize yourself.
Its just this biological state which came to an imbalance, causing this strange phenomen.

Do you have trouble having a conversation with people though?

 

[optimist100]

I feel you.
When i get these flashes of feeling like myself, having the Aura i used to have for a Brief Moment, it actually does not hurt, it feels like iam 'home' again.
It just doesnt Last long, its like a moment.

It only starts hurting when i crave that feeling and begging to be myself again.
And if one day that happens and iam myself again, trust me, nothing could stop me anymore, the pain you suffer is more then enough for a lifetime.

I advise you to not crave your old self that much, and iam deeply confident that you, your past and who you are is not gone.
Its just locked in this fog of what you experience right now, the pain, the cravings, the state of being Dp/Dr'd.

Dont say these memories arent your own, they are, the Person you were 'before' is you.
The Person you are now is also you, even if you dont recognize yourself.
Its just this biological state which came to an imbalance, causing this strange phenomen.

Do you have trouble having a conversation with people though?

Thank you for that.

People in general, no I don't have trouble to talk to them, sure I can't be honest with anyone and it does affect me but I'm not anxious or stressed about it. With people I used to love and are now strangers it is too much, and I would dissociate and even freeze, it's too hard so I stopped and now I don't have any contact with them.

What do you feel when you say you have trouble having conversations with people? What's going through your mind?

 

[Skol]

What do you mean by freezing ?
I dont particularily have thoughts, its just like that i 'freeze' and get completely overwhelmed by anxiety, like everything shuts down and therefor i cant communicate, i also have severe anxiety since then in general, in public and so on.

When in conversations and this extreme state, i feel like iam 12 years old. I just dont get it

 

[optimist100]

What do you mean by freezing ?
I dont particularily have thoughts, its just like that i 'freeze' and get completely overwhelmed by anxiety, like everything shuts down and therefor i cant communicate, i also have severe anxiety since then in general, in public and so on.

When in conversations and this extreme state, i feel like iam 12 years old. I just dont get it

Freezing for me is when I can't move my body or speak at all, I'm totally aware of my surroundings and everything that is done to me and my body I just can't speak or protest.

Did you have that anxiety and freezing like behaviour before?

 

[Skol]

Yes, constantly, like a paralysing response to fear

 

[optimist100]

Yes, constantly, like a paralysing response to fear

I'm sorry that's really hard. I used to have that feeling of being twisted inwards inside myself, like a knot in my stomach forcing me to hide inside myself more and more, I didn't realized how debilitating it was till it stopped, one day it just disappeared, in hindsight I now see it was because I moved away from an environment that put me in phsycial and emotional danger and made me feel so so ashamed for being alive, when I got away it got better, it was very slow and took a lot of time and a lot of people to help me find new ways of seeing myself and seeing others outside of that fear and shame pendulum but at the end that's what helped me with that you know?