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"I'm so tired of being here... Suppressed all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Your presence still lingers here, and it wont leave me alone! These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase!" - Evanescence "My Immortal"

I don't know what to think anymore.

I had always lived a *pretty* normal life. I'm 15 years old (a boy.. if that matters) and I guess I've always been a hypochondriac. I was petrified of getting sick and would roll around on the floor in absolute hysterics unless my parents reassured me that "I would be okay."

So I was.

Then, the first episode of anxiety hit me. In 5th grade... I entered this year-long period of constant dread.. for no reason at all. Looking back now, I would do ANYTHING to be in that position now, because of my innocence.

Then the depersonalization hit me.

As a child... I would sometimes sit down and concentrate really hard. I would think really hard about being human, and what Life was. But then I would feel really weird... like I wasn't myself anymore and I was a *thing* trapped inside a human shell. I felt VERY self-aware. I felt intense terror... like I had debugged life's code. In a daze, I would stop thinking about this.

So it went away.

But a year ago, the extreme self-awareness came back. I felt this for a few seconds or two, but I would make myself think about something else.

So it went away.

But it came back. And with it, these terrible thoughts. I will describe them below:

What if life is all made up? Are we really here?

WHAT IF I AM THE ONLY HUMAN, AND NOTHING ELSE EXISTS?

This is the most disturbing one. I feel absolutely dumb when I look at what I just wrote... but thats how I feel. I can talk to people (talking to people almost eliminated all of my depersonalization) and I can engage in everyday life. I feel absolutely 100% normal when I'm distracted.

However... then this thought hits me.

When I'm distracted now, I feel like I'm no longer really living. I feel like I am just distracting myself long enough to get to a "checkpoint" (something said by another user on this website... it describes my situation PERFECTLY) where I will feel okay. When I feel alive, I am asking myself all of these philosophical questions and making myself feel terrible.

If life is all made up by me... than everything is a figment of my imagination. I can't get help because the doctor is a figment of my imagination. The posts on this blog are all a figment of my imagination. Everything is created in my mind... like The Matrix. It's also not just that I think everything is made up by me, or that it's a hallucination. (It's not.) It's also the fact that my whole life has been based on what I have learned. When I die, all of the information stored in my head, English, memories, love, everything, will die with me. This depresses me greatly.

And sometimes when I sit back and think... I think: "Life is just THIS." Why should I go on living just so that I can continue to feel awful and feel like life is all a figment of my imagination? People in Haiti live in dirt shacks and don't have any clean water, but they do whatever they can, just to live another day. I'm here in my wealthy house wasting away about my little obsessive thoughts. It's repulsive to me.

I just need somebody here to tell me that there is somebody else out there. I need to see the words "YOU ARE REAL" and "YOU ARE NOT ALONE".

Anybody else feel this way?
 

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You are real and your not alone!!! I have obsessed about the meaning of life also, it's not as bad now but it was BAD.. I think maybe you need to find your meaning in life. I know I do! :) your fine! A lot of people obsess over this.
 

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Well personally even before dp i always had that thought and in all honesty it's impossible to know if you are or aren't the only real thing in this world and that everythings not a figment of you're imagination...i guess the point is when its not dp you snap out of the thought process and continue life loving and feeling appy sad dissapointed etc....also in a way regardless everything in this world is very much you,take that however you will..just my philosophy
 

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Hey, I am 14... I'm a girl, I have had all of this... I completely understand, I started doing better after I meant my girlfriend... I am still having a hard time though. Stay Strong, and Positive...! This will get better... :) and also YOU ARE NOT ALONE... I had a hard time accepting other people were going through this, but after I accepted it... it made things a bit easier...
 

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I know how you feel. I have this questions, they are bothering me and are scary. Even as I was reading your post I imagined that ...that I am the only one, the only thing that exist and the wave of fear went through me. Somewhere inside I know it is not true, I know that, but it still scares me a lot. I am trying to find a way how to stop thinking about these things, but it is hard, because, well, they are intrusive questions / thoughts. And also the fact that my worst fear always has been "being alone like completely alone in universe, or in some "life after death" or something like that" is making it harder to let it go.
 

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all i can say its i relate. But what you need to know is that its a thought and feeling.... Remember that. its not what your mind truly believes. If it was then it wouldnt scare you so much. its because u know its stupid but it frightens u. its the anxiety that comes with the thought that is the most scarey. recognize that.
 

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yea man ive definitely had these thoughts ive stressed over things like what is the meaning of life, am i really here,is god real, is life worth living if we die, why do we die,everyday i get older and closer to death but you got block those thoughts and just live in the moment dont strees over pointless its really hard but you gotta push yourself
 
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