[Guest]

Hello everyone,

This is the firtst time I have posted on this site even though I have been reading it for 4 years! I have had DP/DR for 7 years, after going through a stressfull time of getting engaged. I just woke up with it one day. The maddest thing is that my husband also 'compalined' about feeling like he wasn't there on our wedding day. It turned out that we both have DP and it started at the same time as eachother. We both still have it 24/7 but the difference between me and him is that it doesn't bother him and I think about it all day long. He is able to live a completely normal life and the DP doesn't stop him doing anything. I really admire him for that.

Anyway that was a bit about my background, now about my problem.

There is only one word to describe it... Lonelyness.

I wish I had friends that I could keep. Since getting DP I analyse everything, I am scared to say the wrong thing and I have lost my 'spark' so people think I am depressed. When I go out with 'friends' (what the hell are they?), the DP is much worse as I am more nervous about saying the wrong this, talking crap etc. I find meeting friends so unbareable I dont call anyone. I put people off being friends with me because I am so nervous when I am around them that they dont call me. Nothing beats talking to someone who looks like they are made of glass! I used to be really friendly, full of confidence and could go out anywhere with anyone. I wish my life could be like that again. The worst thing is is that I can't tell anyone how you feel, 'cause they would think I am mad. The last time someone called me was by accident, when the phone rings I say to my husband 'answer it, its for you'. Its become a joke.

Anyone know how I feel?

Suzy

 

[sebastian]

I think we all have our own little neuroses, and evidently this is one of yours. It's strange, the things we latch onto. I think maybe we all have dp because it has stemmed from some kind of anxiety (although maybe not, i really don't know), and that anxiety manifests itself in different ways throughout the dp cycle. I know, for me, i don't necessarily have trouble in social situations, but i become obsessed over ridiculous little things and i worry about them incessantly until they snowball and totally take over my life.

I think if the anxiety can be crushed, so falls the dp.

anyway, i'd tell you not to worry about it all so much, but there's really no point. I know that all too well. Good luck and remember, you have friends here.

s.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for replying sebastian. I dont know how to stop the obsessiveness with friends (or lack of). It feels much worse when I remeber how I used to be and compare it to now., but I dont see a way of changing it.

Suz

 

[sebastian]

But this is indeed the way it is with all of our anxious foibles. I can see no earthly way how i can extricate myself from my situation either. It just continues to get worse and worse, and i sit by waiting for miracles. The truth is, as much as you or i, and many other people can't see it...it is a psychological construct which we meticulously erected but which, contrary to chaos theory, is much more difficult to destroy than it was to create. And so one pines daily for a psychological wrecking ball to come along and smash through the cerebral concrete.

I'm beginning to seriously think of taking up some form of zen buddhism. I want to destroy everything so i have nothing left to lose, and then i can start building again, but this time with the right blueprints. I mean...if one can quash their fears, nothing is impossible. I believe that.

s.

 

[Beth]

I haven't got anything in particular to add, I just wanted to say hang in there (inadequate I know). But it sounds like your husband must be quite a help - at least he understands dp properly! Won't ever think you're making it up and all that...

I've not had to deal with what you're talking about, but I agree with Sebastian that it is another of those things you can see from the inside only as an insurmountable barrier, and then when you get past it you wonder why you didn't before. Even 'normal' people create those for themselves from time to time.

Just remember that you don't analyse and remember every thing everyone else says, even if they say something stupid sometimes. And they aren't doing that either. I used to be so shy when I was little that I couldn't say goodbye to my teacher, I completely got over that, but then with the whole dp thing I do sometimes feel that I look ridiculous, that people must be able to see that I'm going mad, and I feel it come back a bit, don't want to say anything in case i give myself away. But then I forget all about that, and it's spending time with friends that makes me feel most normal...

Lots of nasty vicious circles to escape with this mental state.

(I know you know all that. I just felt like typing. And I've found it helps when other people tell me things that I know anyway).

Sebastian: Argh, no. Buddhism IS DP.

 

[nayashi]

it is so lonely here.

 

[Guest]

I have one thing I still really obsess over.

I feel like every day I go to work it's a different place. Like I can't believe it's the same place where I was the day before. Because everything looks the exact same but it just feels like it's completely out of place every single time I go back. I don't know if anyone else has anything like this. It doesn't really bother me and I don't get it anywhere else besides where I work.

could work just be stressful and anxiety takes over and this is the result? No idea.