[Findmywayhome]

Upon discovering the tremendous therapeutic benefits journaling gives me, I realized a healthy way to use this forum would be to do just that, and be surrounded by a community in the process.

First I want to start off by describing this weird and scary sensation I've been getting; hoping someone can relate. I guess it might be similarly tied to the 24/7 existential crisis that I've detailed in my last post, but on many respects this sensation is quite distinct. . .

As I navigate my environment, I feel this eminent sensation like the universe is going to end. I feel like I am standing on the edge of existence and at any moment I can slip into a void of nothingness. Or, perhaps more accurately, I feel like the world around me is so close to manifesting as a void of nothingness. What accompanies this, among other things, is a sick/anxious feeling in my stomach. So you might be thinking, perhaps this is quite similar to a feeling of impending doom that one gets when they have an anxiety attack. I could agree with that, but I wonder if this sensation is caused by the anxiety, or the anxiety is caused by the sensation. I think about the idea of being "dead inside", and I wonder if this is what I'm heading towards. But when I think about that, it isn't accurate. I am astonished by my ability to retain a pretty decent pallet of emotions in this state. Of course, I am not devoid of being emotionally dulled, but despite living in a reality that I think is essentially a giant illusion I can still engage with it and feel a degree of emotions. It seems that this sensation manifests externally; I am only cognitively depersonalized, not too much emotionally.

I have heard many people describe feeling as though the barrier between them and external reality vanishes. I think I relate to this. It feels like external reality is merely a projection of my consciousness, it is like a non physical world and things only appear to be tangible. In this perception, space and time doesn't really exist. I watch my family members walk around the house, and I don't feel convinced that they are actually going anywhere. I almost view this disorder as an extreme version of reverse schizophrenia. reverse in the sense because the things that are real no longer seem real, and extreme in the sense that EVERYTHING seems unreal; my entire world is a hallucination.

Here's the thing though, I don't necessarily feel like external reality doesn't exist. I know it exists, and I know that other humans are also other conscious entities experiencing the same universe. But, I feel like my PERCEPTION of it is disconnected, and unreal. I realized that we can never truly experience the external world. We can only experience it through the means of our somatosensory tools which is interpreted by our consciousness. Damn this is so hard to explain.

The stage that Im at in this disorder has made me realized something bizarre: Why was I so convinced that the reality I was in before was the realest way to experience reality? This has made the idea of recovery seemingly nonsensical. I try to imagine that If one morning I woke up, and my brain came down from its dissociated state completely... would everything feel real? I feel like this disorder has brought me to a cognitive state that realizes every perception of reality is completely arbitrary, even the one I was in before this disorder.

 

[imsofucked]

couldnt read all the way through without fear of triggering myself deeper than i already am (if thats even possible at this point) but i can tell you from the last paragraph alone that it is 100% part of the condition. That is one of the things i have struggled with the most aswell. Its like, how will i know if im even progressing towards normality if i completely dont even know what normal is supposed to feel like. But i can tell you from reading multiple books and "manuals" that they all mention that part of the condition is wondering if you were even normal before everything happened; or that reality has always been this way and you're just now seeing into it. Hope i helped a little.

 

[Findmywayhome]

couldnt read all the way through without fear of triggering myself deeper than i already am (if thats even possible at this point) but i can tell you from the last paragraph alone that it is 100% part of the condition. That is one of the things i have struggled with the most aswell. Its like, how will i know if im even progressing towards normality if i completely dont even know what normal is supposed to feel like. But i can tell you from reading multiple books and "manuals" that they all mention that part of the condition is wondering if you were even normal before everything happened; or that reality has always been this way and you're just now seeing into it. Hope i helped a little.

Hey, thanks for the response. I read it last night and it certainly helped me a lot in that moment to ground myself.

I was reading through your posts and from what I gather our existential state is almost identical- at least, in terms of how we describe it. My most unsettling symptom is exactly like yours: The idea that this disorder has brought us to some sort of "awakening" that allowed us to realize that true reality doesn't even exist, and life before was an illusion. I also read that you were actually on your way to recovering but you got knocked back down to the worst state of DPDR in your experience. The fact that you can make progress is a good sign. From reading hundreds of recovery stories, setbacks are all a part of the process.

thankyou and best of luck.

 

[forestx5]

That's just the black hole syndrome manifesting itself. At the center of every galaxy is a black hole. Everything revolves around the black hole, on paths of ever smaller circumference.

Eventually, everything crosses the event horizon and goes down the hole to become part of a singularity. The black hole burps out some Hawking radiation, and that is the end of space-time

for you, my friend. You will stay a part of the singularity until the next big bang when we can all do it again! Until then, eat, drink, and be merry, and spend a little time playing in the dirt.

 

[Findmywayhome]

That's just the black hole syndrome manifesting itself. At the center of every galaxy is a black hole. Everything revolves around the black hole, on paths of ever smaller circumference.
Eventually, everything crosses the event horizon and goes down the hole to become part of a singularity. The black hole burps out some Hawking radiation, and that is the end of space-time
for you, my friend. You will stay a part of the singularity until the next big bang when we can all do it again! Until then, eat, drink, and be merry, and spend a little time playing in the dirt.

You are an interesting person. Genuinely curious: you reported being symptom free for years from any sort of mental illness, so why do you still go on this forum? I don't mean to come off as hostile, in fact, I have a lot of respect for you. Suffering through severe undiagnosed mental illnesses for 40 years is almost heroic in my opinion. You are like one of the few people on this forum whos made it to the other side, enjoying all the fruits of life with a mental equilibrium, all the while making frivolous- sometimes helpful posts on this forum towards all the people who are still stuck in the ditch. It almost seems like you have too much fun on here lol.

Yeah, well, I hope the reborn rapidly expanding and cooling universe can bless me with a consciousness that doesnt suffer from a mental disorder, it might make it a little easier to play in the sandbox of the universe.

 

[forestx5]

I blame it on high school. In high school, I took a class which taught shorthand as well as typing. The teacher was gay. I was the only boy in the class of perhaps 30 females.

I never did my homework for shorthand, so I was failing the class at midpoint. I ended with a C+ in the class, as I found I enjoyed typing. In the military, someone learned I could

type. I was then "typecast" into working the desk of one of the busiest US Military Police Stations in Europe. I had an IBM ball and I could make it sing. I worked rotating shifts, and

when I worked the 3-11pm shift, I could get off as early as 2am, but only because of my speedy typing. Things didn't start getting busy until 10pm, and I wasn't done until the blotter

and reports were finalized. So, now I can transmit my thought process to this forum at a speed which doesn't include much restraint. I find myself thinking and typing things I probably shouldn't.

Oh well, what the hell? As for sticking around post recovery, I do so for the next generation of me. The guy or gal who would otherwise be mentally ill for 40 years without understanding how or why.

I'm a bit of a rarity, but I know I am not unique. Knowing I could not be unique was what kept me searching and finally resulted in my finding my answers. I learned some things along the way that

could help others. I passed a psychologists office on the boulevard the other day. I hadn't noticed his shingle for many years. I thought back to the time I visited with him every other week for 6 months.

What a waste of money. He's still in business, wasting the time and money of people with neurological illness, no doubt. He has to be 70 years old now. When the pickings are so good, it is hard to stop.

And I often suggest that those who feel they are suffering serious neurological symptoms, to get an EEG and sort yourself out. Nothing wrong with being neurotic, but if you have a neurological treatable

illness, you should probably start there.