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Discussion Starter · #1 ·

I will put my story in the story form later, but in a nutchell: Here is what happened

3 Years ago I used to smoke lots of "weed" with my friends and brother----- I was working and was lucky enough to work for my father and I made more money than anyone "that I knew of at my age", I skipped my Grade 11 and did grade 12" So I finished school a year earlier than my friends.

I did Tax planning and Marketed my father's, Wrap Funds,I bought myself an exspensife sports car and life was great!!!

I studied part-time and decided to stop smoking, 2 weeks before my final exam, "i used to smoke a joint after work". I told my brother weed makes you lazy and that he will see I will get a better exam result.

The weekend came and my friends were smoking, i couldn't resist it and smoked a joint. THAT JOINT FELT LIKE LSD,i never used LSD but have heard about the effects. It wasn't laced, i used the weed i always used and folded the joint myself!

I couldn't sleep for 2 days, hiding it and pretending that nothing is wrong, but in fact my mind kept on racing day in and day out. (If i told my parents i would have lost my job, and my brother aswell.)

I couldn't smoke anymore :cry: I was very close to my brother ,he worked for my father aswell. One of the reasons i skipped a grade was to start working with him.

Our friends wanted to know from me why I didn't smoke with them. I used to say, it made me more lazy during the day. But in fact one pull would freaked me out!!

I went and wrote the exam, and failed it. I needed to get help-------
The Bubble burst, I told my parents and my brother lost his job.

I became Agrogrophic---DP/DR and It was just to humiliating to tell anyone. My brother said that he stopped smoking and my father said that we can work for him again.

Being DP/DR I couldn't keep up, and told my parents that, I wanted to study full time Computers.

I started seeking help in every known direction. I went too see a Psycaitrist, only my mother and father knew and 1 very good friend of mine.

I went to the Computer classes and started to feel better, in such a way that i thought i am going to smoke a joint again, i did it alone, and it was great it relaxed me and made me outgoing again. Ironicaly my brother at that stage decided to stop, i started to go out again partying and clubbing on weekends. "I was just 18 years old"

I did coke a few times and it was great!! Me and my best friend had a deal never to take it more than once a month, and only on special ocations such as birthdays. We never broke the pact.

My 21 birthday came. ------- I smoked my handfolded joint "definatly unlaced" AND IN A SPLIT SECOND I EXSPERIENCED THE TRIP I HAD TWO YEARS AGO I WAS TERRIFIED >>>> THE COKE WAS READY >>>>>I TOOK A BIT BUT FREAKED OUT >>>> I JUST WANTED TO GO HOME. To ashamed to tell everyone I am feaking out on a joint.

I went too see a Psycaitrist only my mother and father knew. The pills helped but not enough ----- I self medicated from every known Andi depressant known --- Until I found Xanax and clonopin.

The dosage went up and I am currently on 100mg Xanax not 10mg 100mg! and 60mg Clonazepam. And are feeling more DP/DR than the day I smoked the joint.

I am trying to get of the high dosages, but are afraid I will go psycotic or schizophrenic.

I am turning 23, November 24. ----- I can't keep up a conversation for more than 10 seconds, I can basicaly only answer questions and not comunicate at the moment.

If i go out to watch a movie I feel depressed afterwards, I went to watch Spiderman 2 yesterday and couldn't quite recall the first movie.

It feel as if I have braindamage!!

A good computer game can relax me, but i can't beat my old "High Schores" With a lot of effort and no one around to distract me maybe!,
but then it feels like a fight to do it where as before it was relaxing and entertaining. I would have done it with music going and poeple partying around me.

Sometimes music sound just like iritating noise. Instead of a beatuful song.
If i buy myself something nice I feel good for awhile and then depressed--

It feel as if the world is moving at 20x and I am moving at 1x, except my mind are moving at 400x.

Sometimes nothing makes sense.

I feel emty hollow and without love, like a robot with no soul.

Thoughts pop up in my mind that are NOT ME or the way I was

Sometimes my voice dosn't feel like mine.

Currently I am studying full time from 8-4pm. I am doing IT Engineering,
I passed tests that 90% of the students normally fail, the first time. But didn't enjoy 1 second of it.

I am tapering the Xanax and Clonazepam. I know I have to get off it, but what a humuliation will it be if I start to fail my exams, I am currently tapering and can't seem to consentrate on my work, I am 22 days behind --- and made an exscuse that I had Flu.

I also can't handle the sadness if i taper at home "because i see my brother but can't speak to him the way i did.

To keep on such high dosages cost alot 300$ a week, and i am running out of money.

Well that is my story in a nutshell

Any comments and sugesstions would be highly apreciated.

I am planning to commit suicide nexs't week.


Johan Delport

Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Don't commit suicide!!! I've never wanted to commit suicide but one thing I read somewhere was...what if your brother, or parents or someone close to you commit suicide how would you feel? Most likely terrible and I'm sure you don't want to make them feel like that so just don't give up.

I have most of the things you described...when I'm feeling anxious or have bad dp music dosen't relax me at all, it kind of makes me feel worse. And I feel like a robot with no soul too...I don't really care about the good stuff anymore I just dwell on the bad stuff and that's no good. Sometimes, when I do things I wonder where I got the motivation to do them. I don't really have any specific examples but I just don't feel like me anymore and wonder if I am a totally different person and will never be the same. But I doubt that is true. It is just a symptom I guess. Ok sorry I'm no help at all but just wanted to tell you to hang in there because even though my situation might not be the same, I can relate. Sorry I don't have any advice with the meds because I'm not on any and I've never taken any so I don't know. But I am pretty sure when you get off the meds you will not go psychotic or schizophrenic so don't scare yourself with those thoughts.

hope this helped a little and hope you have a better day tomorrow!


Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I know one thing for a fact Lauren, and that is when we get over this we will be stronger, because we know what suffering is.

Thanks for the reply, I will reconsider it to comit suicide. :)


Discussion Starter · #4 ·
well good i was hoping you would reconsider!! :D

we will for sure be stronger. i know i definitely won't take for granted things i used to.

331 Posts
Hi whitegoldenqueen

My story is very similar to yours in many ways.
But lets concentrate on the important facts...the Xanax !
I took some very low dosage of Xanx for less than 3 months and it got my DP/DR and anxiety 10 times worst than it was before.

I tapred very fast...over 1 week (I saw hell) don<t do that !
I wasnt even able to walk...I just wanted to die.
Now It's been 3 months since I stopped the Xanax...still having some withdrawal symptoms...mainly DR but each day I'm getting better.
So there is a way out...or throught :wink:

I alos had DP/DR before i took Xanax so...I know even when I'm completely recovered from the withdrawal...I'll have another ennemy waiting for me...
I hope you feel better soon.
I never tought I would but I am now standing strong. (stronger at least=)

95 Posts
Seriously reconsider doing the unspeakable. I have been there and you have to consider the effects on not only your family, but yourself. You dont want to die, you just want to stop feeling this way. You remember how it feels to be happy and yourself, dont cheat yourself permanently because you can get there again. And from what you've said you are actually headed in the right direction.

I am 22 and know EXACTLY what you are going through. At one point you were on top of your world, friends around, work/school going well, able to party without incident, then one mistake brings on this HUGE change in your brain. It not fair but life tends to often not be fair.

You are in school, stay with it. Be an IT engineer. Even it feels meaningless in the face of this illness, truthfully it is very important. Keep going to class, keep studying.

It sucks hard to look at your brother and not be able to communicate like you used to, we all have the same problem with even family and friends. Don't be so hard on yourself, though. They probably have a lot of trouble understanding your exact symptoms, but you know they have NO way of. Things will get better and better. Just keep showing up.

the ultimate hypocrite,

Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You gave me new encouragment!! I actually stopped going to my classes for about a week now, but i am certianly going tomorrow!!! :!:

And Inflamed yes that is one thing that stopped me to try and withdraw from the benzos!
I'll have another ennemy waiting for me...
But I have heard of poeple that have been taking benzos for anxiety for years, and they said when they got completaly off the benzos, their ORIGINAL problem were gone :?

Thanx to you all!!!

Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Hi Johan,

I have felt suicidal before so I know how you feel. Please remember that you can get better from this. There are people here who have felt as bad as you and who have recovered. Stay away from the weed. Seriously. There are certain people who cannot handle it and you sound like one of these people ( I can't handle it either). There is no need to be ashamed of that. Its your body's reaction to weed and that has nothing to do with how weak or strong you are as a person. Some people can die from eating peanuts and it's nothing to do with their worth as people.

In my early twenties (im 31 now), I drank a lot and most of my friends did a moderate amount of pot. Nowdays I find that a lot of people have gone off pot because they admit that they didn't really like the way it made them feel (paranoid etc). Your lifestyle would have probably changed later on anyway . You just had to stop partying a little earlier than other poeple around you. It doesn't matter. There is more good stuff out there for you. I hope you realise that suicidal feelings are just that ...feelings. All feelings change. Nothing stays the same. Just keep going. Keep getting support and hang in there. I wish you well.


Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I really like the way you wrote that original post, the format somehow just felt good to read.

Very recently I was on the edge of suicide, just as you are now. I hid and hid all my problems in hopes of avoiding the shame... but since my attempts I have come to accept that I simply cannot do it, I cannot harm my parents or my sister in that way. None of them know of my attempts, and I continue to hide hide hide my problems away, but one day perhaps i'll find a way out. When I do I hope I could share it with you.

Your story sparked a hint of recognition within me, and thus gave me this warm feeling. you're a great person since you can work so hard, and you can perform with such wonderful results. Keep at it, you'll be whole again one day.
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