Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited by Moderator)
Hello. I've started meditation with a mantra style and used it wrong for sometime, I tried to reject thoughts etc., then I've returned to mindfulness meditation then started using it more correctly, during both these meditation I've started to experience DP/DR and got emotional numbness, I had the emotional numbness or lack of positive emotions before the practice of meditation(I had depression or maybe childhood trauma also too but many years ago, so I'm not pure in that sense), so I tried only to lightly focus on emotions in the body so I could accept them in the sitting and they would open up more(that was my plan because I tend to resist experiencing emotions unintentionally because of past traumas). But after each session of meditation even slight mindfulness paying attention makes me feel like lose perception of time, loss of inner voice, constant blank mind, and I don't even experience any anxiety, and my past memories dreams tend to get shallow, I can't use imagination. My theory is: in meditation , my past pain or trauma trying to come up to the surface and the body doesn't allow it or the mind doesn't want it to take the impact so it dissociates itself or makes me go dp/dr and makes me fearful of the process. Would love to hear other perspectives also. Right now I feel like shit, which normally I'm quite non-symptom regular person. What do you guys think? Should I quit meditation and my emotions will return slowly because the numbness caused by this DP/DR or should I keep going with meditation and open up the feelings. I think meditation is risky because it is basically the process of purifying/observing/destroying the ego, which DP people feels weak in that sense. So how come can meditation would beneficial for anypone who experience these symtomps of DP? I feel that after each session my self or ego whatever screams to not go there again. When I quit meditating for 1 week or so, my feeling of body comes back better, my anxiety and anger also comes back, so is it a sign to not go back meditating? After meditating there is no anger and a fuzzy feeling, not feeling secure with myself, it is weird. Sorry for the long post. You probably see I'm very confused. Thank you for reading. I'm waiting for perspectives.