At the beginning, I must say I feel very weird just writting this. I´ve been reading all kinds of stories and experiences, bud I didn´t write mine.
After I finished my exams in college (it was really hard and stressfull month and a half) my anxiety started to increase. I started to feel some anxiety most of the day. (Stress time is not over for me- I have to finish my bachelor work in very short time, because I didn´t start when I shoud. And after that, there will be another exams, so no real free time until june I guess). And my anxiety and depersonalization was allways worst in times of lot of stress.
So, now I feel constantly anxious, like really anxious and I have panic attacs too. I feel exhausted, tired and like I can´t imagine to get through another day, because these feelings of overwhelming fear are so horrible. And I feel sick and nausea from shaking by fear. The worst is that it feels like it will never end and that there is nothing to save e, to make me feel better, to relax for a while.
And besides anxiety I have depersonalization, or sometimes maybe derealization also. I don´t feel like me, I always have existencial questions like:What
am I? How is it possible, that I exist? How can I move my legs and hands? How can I speak? It feels so weird to speak or move or even think. Sometimes if feels like it is not me who is speaking, or moving, because I am observing it. How can I speak and in the same moment observe myself speak like if that was someone else? It feels weird and scary to exist, just to be. And sometimes I feel something like "heaviness" of existence. But that doesn´t mean I would want to die. No,actually when I think I might die for whatever reason, I feel sad and like "I want to live".I just don´t know how to right now. As someone wrote: "I was frozen in fear of life, and just as afraid of death." - that is exactly how I feel.
Sometimes I have this scary sensations when in one second nothing and in another I feel like if I just woke up in another dimension or something, or more likely I just woke up here and realized that I am here, I exist and there is world that exist also. And this sudden realization of existence is so scary for me (doesn´t matter how many times it happened, every time it´s the same frightening feeling, when I am so aware of my existence, that I am actually afraid of it, of myself. And when I realize I can´t hide from myself, my thoughts, because it is just not possible, I feel even more scared.
And I have an intrussive thoughts like: "What if this is not reality, but dream?" "What if everything I know, is not real and I just imagined it, because I am crazy?" -this happens when I am alone "What if I come home and find out I can´t get inside because I dont live here and I just thought I do, because I am crazy and everything was just a hallucinations" - yet I know it is just a thought and I do live there. I know that, but that "what if" feeling does not go away until I get there to be 100% sure.
This thoughts and feelings and everything makes me wonder, if I am going psychotic or something, because I feel like that. I feel like I am going to lose my mind in any second. Even if my psychologist told me I don´t have schizophrenia or something similiar, I feel so crazy I can´t belive it. And I am so scared of an idea being psychotic.
I don´t know what to do anymore. I know what is real and what is just my head messing with me. But knowing that doesn´t stop me from being terrified from these thoughts and feelings, because they feel so real. And when I was about 12 I suffered from non diagnosted OCD (I was not at psychologist back then), so I guess these intrussive thoughts may be from it?
Do you have this too? Or something similiar? Do you think it is really just anxiety/DP/OCD?
Thanks for reading (and sorry for grammar English is not my first language) and if someone would like to talk or share feelings, feel free write to me, I would be glad.