[enngirl5]

This is kind of an add-on to a previous post but it got my attention. I never realized it until I started having panic attacks at almost 21 years old but I had severe anxiety as a child. I mean, I realized it, but not the extent of how bad it was and how it was probably just a matter of time before I got something like panic disorder.

In the first grade, this boy used to constantly bother me, probably just flirting, but I started breaking out in these hives. No one knew what was causing it until my teacher told my mom, "I know what's causing it. I can watch Travis start bugging her and she'll start breaking out." First grade. Second grade comes along and I start getting migraine headaches. I had 3 cat scans from about 9 until 16 with docs thinking I had a tumor because these migraines just kept on. No one had the bright idea that it was probably caused by nerves. I had IBS in high school, was constantly missing my first few classes because I would wake up with my stomach in knots. I remember I was always worrying about something. Always something stupid, like I knew some kids that had head lice and for about 2 years (literally) I was worried to get my hair cut and felt like my head was itching (completely psychosomatic) convinced I had lice. It seemed logical. These girls were neighbors always at our house. But I never got it. I have a string of worries I had as child where I would stay worrying about something for a year straight sometimes. Worry about one thing. And it was stupid stuff now in retrospect but when you're like 8 things were different.

Does anyone else remember instances of being a worrier as a child?

 

[Depersonalized]

I remember feeling very anxiuos when I was a kid, usually it was extreme when I changed the school or went to a new class, sometimes before the tests or exams. I think that having anxiety is normal to some extent as long as there is always a psychological reason behind it(like before an interview for a job or a date), I also worried about a lot of different things, a few times I made myself believe that I had cancer and was gonna die from it so it kept my anxiety going for a while. Anxiety is a part of our lifes.

 

[falling_free]

Yes ive always been very anxiety stricken even from a young age, my anxiety would manifest itself in several ways

fidgeting
Going red ( a lot)
Extreme sweating
Fear of losing control of coucious control of mind

I also had several episodes when I was younger when I used to think that I might be a robot instead of a human, and that I may have been designed and that my family, friends everyone I knew was merely an illusion and I was hooked up in a lab somewhere as a test, these type of imaginary thoughts were with me wayyyy before the matrix or the like was around and I have memories of having these kind of weird sensory experiences and strange vivid thoughts from about 6 onwards.

One of my favioute films when I was younger was actually this film about a boy who was a robot (no not A.I) as I always had these strange reoccurring thoughts of being a cyborg or robot, in a dream in a lab etc etc.

I guess I was preety imaginative but looking back at some of those thoughts such as being robotic, in a dream world may have been some early signs of depersonalisation.

 

[Guest]

Enngirl you've posted some good topics (also the one about Instability when growing up).
I was anxious as a child, because I had a skin disease (psoriasis) pretty severely from birth. My whole body was covered with this, so it was visible to the outside world. I didnt get bullied, but I was asked a lot of questions about it, by kids, by adults. Had to deal with disapproving or disgusted looks of people. I answered all the questions I was asked about my skin, almost daily. I think for a little girl thats pretty much to deal with. I dreaded it and I thought that people thought I was 'dirty'.
I was often anxious in public, especially at summer when I was at the swimmingpool (one of my passions) after schooltime. I was very aware of the looks and stares (and wonder now if that is where my paranoia comes from) and of myself. Yet I couldnt escape myself and my environment.
But I had gotten used to it too. It was part of my daily life. This lasted untill I was about 15 years old. Then it disappeared. But by then the psychological abuse by my father had started.

I always got along fine with other children in my class, outside of school etc. I think those skills have been of great importance in not developping into an 'outcast'.

 

[dakotajo]

Hi,

Yes, your childhood sounds alot like mine. I was a CHRONIC worrier. If something that I worried about resolved I would just move on to the next thing. I know all this stuff fits together. I also had the migraines. Ive read that many people with depression and anxiety also have migraines which makes perfect sense. Ive read that migraines are thought to be caused by fluctuations in serotonin levels. Besides its role in depression and anxiety, serotonin is also a powerful vasoconstrictor so it constricts(and even dilates) blood vessels which is thought to be the cause of migraines. Im convinced all this stuff, dp/dr included, is serotonin related.

 

[enngirl5]

I still notice that I do this where when one of my worries resolves I move on to another thing to worry about. It's crazy. The small worries are bearable but when something really bad happens that I worry about, I stay on it forever.

 

[Guest]

Im not a chronic worrier by the way, and I dont suffer from migraines.

 

[dakotajo]

If everything was going smoothly I still would seem tor figure out something to make myself miserable. This stuff sucks.

 

[Guest]

I don't recall being overly anxious as a child.I was very afraid of my father.Fortunately he left when I was six.
I became very anxious of heights and winding roads after I was in a car accident (I still am).

I recall feeling shy at times and often enjoyed playing alone even though I had friends and a large family.
I would seek peace and quiet(at my grannies) so I could indulge in my fanatsy world.
For many years I was busy running a small hopistal LOL I had 21 dolls to take care of,I could hardly stop for lunch.LOL

 

[livinginhell333]

yea when i was like 15 or so i was scared to be home alone in the dark because i was always worried that some guy was going to come in the house and kill me. i was literally paranoid and scared out of my mind of every little noise i had to carry a knife with me just in case someone came in the house. with any noise i would be ready to strike. i even checked every room and closet to make sure no one was ready to strike me or anything. it was pretty bad. i was like this for a little while until the fear eventually went away, but i was always a worrier about everything, but the past 2 years i noticed i wasn't worrying about things as much really and i just went with the flow and it felt good until this hit me.

 

[livinginhell333]

o yea my anxiety used to be so bad in high school i hated speaking in front of a class i used to actually sweat and shake and couldn't speak right and i would get extremely red when speaking in front of a class or even talking to a girl, espiacially one that i liked, but that ended in senior year kind of. as of now i don't get anxious or anything or if i do i don't notice. i was a pretty ugly and nerdy child all through high school. i wore glasses now i wear contacts and i am not ugly anymore, but i don't feel confident about the way i feel and the way i turned out.

 

[enngirl5]

Yeah I forgot about that, I was always afraid a murderer was in the house. Every little creak or sound. But I think all the 80's horror movies contributed to that. Also, in the 7th grade I was a terrible sweater. My armpits sweated like crazy. I couldn't wear any kind of silk blouse. Embarrassing but true. It only happened when I was nervous. I forgot about the sweating thing. It still happens if I'm really nervous. I went through 20 kinds of deoderant in middle school because of this, and now I've found one where I don't sweat, but I strictly use that deoderant and have for probably 10 years now. I also used to scratch my head really bad in the 6th grade. This was before my lice scare in the 7th. I would scratch my head so bad I would get scabs on my scalp. You couldn't see them obviously because of my hair but it worried my parents and grandparents to death. But it was just nerves, me scratching my head. I eventually stopped after about 6 months and it healed. What's wrong with me?? I'm remembering all these things. I think my anxiety was just a timebomb waiting to go off. I also was a compuslive eyebrow plucker, cracked my knuckled for a few months in high school but didn't want ugly knuckles (you know the stories your mom tells you about popping your knuckles) so I stopped that, an on and off nail biter (stopped that too)... Sigh... Am I too far gone? Someone else share some neurotic stories so I don't feel so alone.

 

[enngirl5]

I think all this is why i liked smoking pot so much and became a complete addict. I liked pot the way some people like crack. Because it made me not worry so much. It gave me kinda a "who cares? let it go" attitude. I wouldn't worry about school so much. Now here I am having to make straight A's again. I have made all A's in every class for the past 2 years, my junior and senior year of college (taking summer school and 6 class semesters), because my grades kinda sucked when I was a freshmen and sophomore and I have to make up for it now. Again, all these worries seem logical to me at the time, but I just take them to an extreme. It's like I'm a perfectionist that has failed miserably at it. But I read somewhere that a common myth about perfectionists is that they are these stand-up citizens that make perfect grades and have perfect jobs, etc, but often this isn't true because perfectionists actually do worse in school and other things because they put so much pressure on themselves that they end up messing up. I have to study ten times more for an A now, than I did when I didn't want one so bad.

 

[Dreamer]

Dear Enngirl,

You're not crazy. One of my first memories of feeling like a failure was in second grade. At that point I decided it wasn't smart enough, not as smart as my best friend.

I remember walking into the Middle School library, for the "big kids", LOL, and thinking, My God, I have to read all the books in here, A to Z or I won't be smart enough.

Every morning I woke up and said, "What problems do I have today?" Literally every morning, as a little girl. When I think about that now, when I see my friends kids who don't have this problem, I'm astounded.

Yup, I was anxious as Hell. I look back and think what a waste, because I liked entertaining people, and being everybody's friend. But I was a bag of nerves underneath.

And yeah, old story everyone knows... my family was truly a mess. I won't recap.

I think it's more than coincidence that so many of us say we were anxious as kids. I always say, nothing comes out of a clear blue sky. I'm certain I was born an overly sensitive anxious kid. My environment didn't help matters.

I also know that I knew how to dissociate.

I was a hypochondriac -- name an illness I had it, but especially brain tumor or appendicitis. I felt I couldn't breathe, felt I had a rope around my chest or my throat. Didn't speak up in class even when I knew the answer to something.

What saved me? My private school which was very nurturing, and music, and theatre. Not my family that's for certain.

The diagnosis I got in 1994, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, fits me to a "t", oh, down to chronic sore muscles, tension -- as a kid. Chronic worry over EVERYTHING. Thinking my mother would die. Thinking my father would die. Thinking my dog would die. Thinking I would die....

or ... name some other catastrophe.

It astonishes me that when I first went to a shrink, I didn't say, "I'm anxious, or I'm depressed", I talked only about the DP/DR. That was so horrific, I didn't "notice" I was a bag of anxiety to begin with.

I just thought that was "normal". And my mother reinforced that by NOT acknowledging problems she knew were there, and/or criticizing me for them or making fun of me.

But the anxiety was there first. I'm certain of it.

When I see healthy, confident kids -- I'm jealous. I think I had a great childhood, but it would have been amazing if I didn't have this infernal crap.

Best,
D

 

[Dreamer]

Yes, forgot about absolutely obsessive perfectionism which damaged my school grades, didn't help.

I was a smart enough kid, good writer, but I NEVER had faith in myself.

I had times, less and less now as I've really used CBT on myself where I would be writing the rough draft of a paper, for a book report, in sixth grade. I would get to the bottom of the page, and misspell a word. Instead of crossing it out and rewriting it and going on I would start the page all over again.

There was a time there where this was compulsive. I had this more as a kid and teen. It got less as I got older. Still have feelings of a need for everything to be in perfect order. I need to have "control" of everything, or everything feels out of control. I need to be prepared, every at the ready, ever vigilent for the next catastrophe.

 

[Guest]

Dreamer LOL did you get to hang out with the cool crowd LOL
You sound so sweet,so many worries on your little mind.

I was lucky in a way because I had two older sisters to show me the ropes at school.
They kept an eye on me and filled me in on the law of the jungle.
They also taught me how to smoke,wag school (truancy),forge a signature,and wear my skirt short.
I turned out to be a minor rebel .Wagging school was one of my favourite adventures.
Perhaps I ascribed to the Margaret Mead school of thought"if you want a good education,stay out of school."

Oh yes public speaking LOL a fate worse than death.
I remember writing,directing and producing a musical play in my last year of what we called here primary school(age 12).
When I stood up on the stage to say my lines try as I like no words came out.My poor cast were horrified that their leader had so humilated herself.
That was the end of my attempts at public speaking.
To this day it terrifies me.
No I don't want to go to Toast Masters LOL

 

[Dreamer]

Dreamer LOL did you get to hang out with the cool crowd LOL
You sound so sweet,so many worries on your little mind.

LOL. Actually what's interesting is I went to the same school my whole life, Pre-K through High School, and it was a small school, graduating class had 75 kids. Some of us had known each other for at minimum 4 years, and upwards of 15!

Interesting is that as a young girl, I was pals with some of the gals that became "the cool gang" later in Middle and Upper School.

But no, I was "different", that's for sure. I was a "good girl", hanging with the "good girls", no real boyfriends save I went to many proms. I had a million crushes though 8) on both certain boys and certain teachers.

I was a theatre and music geek. We were the Artsy outcasts in 6-12th especially. Nope not with the sports group, or the "cool group." But I loved my friends and my teachers and performing.

Got me through a lot of rough stuff.

Yup, school was my real family.

"... so many worries on your little mind..." I like that, because it's true and it infuriates me now. It shouldn't be that way.

Richard Rhodes said, "A good childhood shouldn't depend on luck" -- that isn't quoted properly, but he had a mess of a childhood.

I agree with what he says. But I wonder how many 100% functional families there are. There are "good enough" familes, and I would have taken that.

L,
D

 

[mcsiegs]

I worried constantly as a child....My mom was the biggest worry wort I knew. I firmly believe that childhood patterns never die, they just refine. Then, during adulthood, when you understand and study, you wish you could change your childhood. But, the key is in changing the patterns. As hard as it sounds, it has got to be some of the solution.